Jun 23
Kim’s Baby Bump at 24 Weeks 
Well, progress as normal. Our little bubs is growing up.
But far out! -> Check out our roaring fire!
Kim’s Baby Bump at 24 Weeks
Jun 23
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me… in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman said, “Very sporting of your mother.”
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.
“Don’t they know they’re supposed to let us play through?” asked the first man. The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough.”
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.” The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.”
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, “Small world!”
“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” —George Burns
Well, it’s not a midlife crisis, but here’s how things worked out for me.
Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed…
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”
Oh yeah?”said Charlie “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really,” said Charles, “now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED”
When all is said and done, more is said than done.
Apparently true 911 calls…
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in: Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
THINGS THE MOVIES TAUGHT YOU… part 1
- Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil
- Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut you will always choose the right one
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish
- Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread
It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s mother answers and invites him in.
“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” she says.
Peggy Sue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says “Wha…aaat?”
“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s mother, “We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her!”
Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she’s ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good evening kids,” with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: “Dam mit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It’s called The Twist!”
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it’s always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible.
When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, “Defense contractor.”
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself.
Then, one of them turned to me and asked, “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”
“This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. ..Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking to ‘get off your lazy ass.’” — Conan O’Brien
One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me, “Well, did he?”
“Did he what?”
“Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?” she asked.
Jun 22
The Fat Controller 
Good for a Giggle…
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The Fat Controller
[/coolplayer]
Jun 16
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add “es.”
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.” They were seated immediately.
“According to the insurance companies, you know what the most stolen vehicle is? The Cadillac Escalade.
The least stolen car. The popemobile.” –Jay Leno
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really?
Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
“Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages” –Dave Barry
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. “STOP!,” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?”
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. “OK” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said “On your way, Ma’am.”
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his “You-Know- What” in his hand.
“Oh, good grief,” yelled Ethel, “Not that Dam Breathalyzer Test again.!!!”
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon, the first thing the new bride did was call her mother. “Well,” said her mother. “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, mum,” she replied. “The honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic.” Then she suddenly began to cry. “But mum, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language, things I’d never heard. I mean all these awful four letter words!
You’ve got to take me home” “Sarah, Sarah” her mother said. “Calm down. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words?” “Please, don’t make me tell you mum,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful. Come and get me, please.”
“Darling! Baby! You must tell your mum what has you so upset. Tell me these horrible four letter words.” Sobbing, the bride said: “Oh mum … he used words like dust, wash, iron and cook.”
“I’ll pick you up in 20 minutes,” said her mum.
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”
One Liners
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns
- My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante
- What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. – Henny Youngman
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
- Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan
- We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers
- Mechanic: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder.”
Did you know that the only way to tell the sex of a chromosome is to take down its genes?
I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem, one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery, a growing menace that can be summed up in three words: men doing laundry.
At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem, especially to members of the female species, who generally prefer MDL to WDL. But the evidence is overwhelming. MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes, billions of missing socks, and countless broken relationships.
Wife: “Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?”
Husband: “Yes, of course I did. I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top.”
Wife: “You idiot, you were supposed to wash them separately. You obviously don’t know what separation means, but trust me, you’re about to find out!”
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Navy man assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
“Never better!”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”
“Nope. I shut him up in no time,” said the Navy guy.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Good night, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it”. For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50″. The next day someone stole it.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!” So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.”
The agent says, “Yes, ma’am,” the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?”
The second blonde replies, “They didn’t last year.”
Jun 12
Kim’s Baby Bump at 22 Weeks
Next updated photo, taken tonight. Doesn’t look much bigger than the first, but the little baby is growing fast, it’s nearly 30cm long now.
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Adrian Hodge
About
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. During the day I'm an Application Developer for Rotorua District Council and after hours I run Hodgeman Web & Design.
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