The Fabulous Friday Funnies
I dialled a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.” —Woody Allen
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, ” I am a Father.” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.
The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
“Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. —George Burns
Famous Last Words: “Unfortunately I can not totally agree with comrade Stalin.”
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’ make any difference. —Steven Wright
A blond’s cookbook.
Monday: It’s fun to cook for Ron. Today I made an angel food cake. The recipe said to beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to lend me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Ron wanted fruit salad. The recipe said to serve without dressing, so I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Ron brought a friend home for dinner.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said to wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it helped the rice any.
Thursday: Today Ron asked for a salad again. I tried a new recipe that said to prepare the ingredients and lay on a bed of lettuce an hour before serving. Ron asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Ron did the shopping today and brought home a chicken and asked me to dress it for Sunday. Oh boy! For some reason Ron keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Ron’s folks came to dinner today. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Goodnight Dear Diary: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe for Ron. If I can talk Ron into buying me a larger oven, I am going to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit… When she tries it on, he says, “I love that middle-aged look it gives you.”
“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”
“Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.”
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?”
The agent replies, “Just a minute..” “Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
“In England this week they recorded their highest tem- perature in history. Good thing they can all cool off with a refreshing meat pie.” –Conan O’Brien
There were two good ol’ boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.”
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got.”
The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”
“Not very well at all,” he said. “We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet.”
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grand-children and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her br east’s were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her chest and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said…….
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday”
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. “You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch.”
“I can’t play fetch with my dog,” the blonde said.
“Why not?” the doctor asked.
“Because,” she replied, “He can’t throw.”
