Time for a bit of Q&A

These come care of Jane, my sister-in-law

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.

Q What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A For traction in the mud.

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the difference between a girl friend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don’t have balls to scratch

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing?, I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing ?”
I told him I was a light bulb.

He said “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, ” and where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”

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Mary: “My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.

“Jill: “Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?”

Mary: “I said, ‘If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to really annoy two?’”

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Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don’t really care for them.
4. Although they don’t really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don’t learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just “an old rag”.
6. Although their clothes are always “just an old rag”, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don’t believe you.

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“Life is like a toilet roll – the closer you get to the end, the quicker it goes!

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“Al Gore told the United Nations that cigarette smoking is a significant contributor to global warming. To be fair,you have to blame us, the non-smokers. We’re the ones that made them go outside, right?” –Jay Leno

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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device… a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent rat,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:”I’ll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.”

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“I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, ‘We’re going to be taking off in a few… Whoa, here we go!’”–Unknown

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Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.”

“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.

“Oh, that …, Ralph was too tired..”

God is good.

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I have been receiving the funnies since working here(November 2005) and have been circulating them to a slowly increasing list of people, however I am now leaving this company. Guess what, the first thing that was said was “who is going to send us the funnies now?”, they quickly followed up with “Sorry to see you go” – but it was too late, I could now see my importance to the team! and what a good thing to be important in – shame about the work they had been paying me for!

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“The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for supper and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator.” –Bill Lawrence

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Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, “You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico.

“Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord,insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch the mat work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd,they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes backup, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces backup. This time, she comes back pretty messed up — she’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says,”What happened? Was the cord too long?”

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, “No, the Bungee cord wasfine…it was the crowd!….What the H E L L is a piñata?!”

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“He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”–Mark Twain

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After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with her.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

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Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.

“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

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We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

“Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?” she asked.

“It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’”

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Zen Sarcasm

1. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
2. Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet
4. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
5. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
9. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Joshua Due Tomorrow

Due Day, Drop Day, call it want to call it, officially it’s tomorrow for little Joshua.
That being said, our midwife thinks he’ll arrive next week, which would suit my parents just fine as they arrive into Rotorua on Wednesday next week for their 10 day, grandparent royal visit.
Of course, Kim would like him to arrive a.s.a.p as she is getting bored just waiting.
Then there is the lack of sleep, which isn’t bound to get any better once he arrives, but maybe being dead tired, Kim will get whatever sleep she can, when she can.
Our cats are acting all weird at the moment, which could be due to us looking after Kims Dads Dog ‘Jack’ since last Wednesday until this weekend.
Kim found Lucy sleeping in the bassinette today, so she stripped it back and we have put a large container of water in there, to freak the cats out if one of them jumps up in there again. That’ll teach em!

Will keep you all posted as the pregnancy unfolds

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

What a woman says:
“This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes
to wear if we don’t do laundry right now!”

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, “C’MON!
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!”

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A guy was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

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Q. What type of car did Moses drive?
A. A triumph of course! The bible states “Moses came down from the mount in his triumph”

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“Starbucks is raising the price of a cup of coffee to $5.00. Don’t worry, you’ll still get the sneer from the girl with a nose ring serving your coffee.” –Jay Leno

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“Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it.” –Dave Letterman

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Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, “How do you like your new baby brother?”

“Oh, he’s all right,” the child shrugged. “But there were a lot of things we needed worse.”

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“Here’s to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.” –Ambrose Bierce

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Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. “I’d like a pint of canary-colored paint,” he says.

“Certainly,” says the clerk. “Mind if I ask why you need it?”

“My parakeet,” says Jim. “See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he’s sure to win.”

“Well, you can’t do that!” the assistant says. “The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!”

“No, they won’t,” Jim replies.

“Listen, Buddy, I’ll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him.”

“You’re on!” says Jim.Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.

“So the paint killed your bird?”

“Indirectly,” Jim says. “He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn’t survive the sanding between coats.”

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Strange how much you’ve got to know before you know how little you know.

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The preacher headed out early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half- hour late, he saw the backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and l lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”

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A woman walks into an expensive dress store and announced to the owner, ” I am the greatest salesperson ever, and I want a job.”

“Well, that is quite a statement,” the owner responded, “but right now I just don’t have any openings.

The assertive woman continued, “How many dresses does your best salesperson sell in a day?”

“Usually 5 or 6″ the owner responded.

The woman persevered, “I’ll sell 15 without pay or commission, just to show you how good I really am.”

Well, the owner knew this was definitely in her favor, and that she couldn’t lose. An hour before the dress shop closed, the dynamic sales person had sold 18 dresses.

She asked the owner, “Do I get the job now?”

Hesitantly, the owner replied, “Well I have one more test for you.” The owner went to the back and returned with just about the ugliest dress you could imagine. “Sell this dress by the time the store closes, and the job is yours.”

Thirty minutes later the woman approaches the owner, with the sales receipt from the dress in hand.

“I’m impressed,” said the owner, “how did you do it?”

“Getting the woman to buy it wasn’t that hard, but distracting the seeing eye dog was a challenge!”

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Do You Speak Computer-ese?

• Home is where you hang your @.
• The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
• You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
• C:\ is the root of all directories.
• Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
• The modem is the message.
• Too many clicks spoil the browse.
• The geek shall inherit the earth.
• There’s no place like http://www.home.com
• Don’t byte off more than you can view.
• What boots up must come down.
• Windows will never cease.

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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about,he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

“Get well quick…..from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

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The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine.”