The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she once could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

A GOOD FRIEND HELPS YOU MOVE

A REALLY GOOD FRIEND HELPS YOU MOVE THE BODY

Think before you lie

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The woman knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at her and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin–it’s a mistake.”

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should have been here at 8:30!” He replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn’t work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry. —Planojo

“In politics stupididty is not a handicap.” —Napoleon

In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: “That’s the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger.”

“Then I don’t want it,” retorted the matronly customer. “I certainly can’t afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!”

Kiwi farm hand radios back to the farm manager…….

“Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig’s OK, but he’s stuck in the bull-bars and is wriggling and squealing so much I can’t get him out.” The manager says: “Ok, there’s a .303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you’ll be able to remove him.”

Five minutes later, the farm hand calls back. “I did what you said boss. Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can’t go on.” “Now what’s the problem?” raged the manager.

“Well boss, it’s his motor-bike.The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.”