May 21
Edward Stafford Southwick 
Hot of the press from Jason & Jane’s recent weekend away to Wellington.
The latest pics of Edward at 4 weeks old.
Edward Stafford Southwick
May 18
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Stress Buster No. 11
Keep moving
Brisk walking for just 30 minutes a day, can increase your restance to stress and your ability to recover more quickly.
“Miami was voted the worst road rage city. You have 20-year- olds doing 95, and 95-year-olds doing 20, that’s why.” -Craig Ferguson
“New York City was hosting a four-day Global Warming Summit. But today was such a nice day, they canceled it.” -Dave Letterman
“If I’d have known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.” —Unknown
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long- term capital gain?”
A woman was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, ” Ma’am, you had twins – a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no! Not Mike; he’s an idiot!”
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, “Wow! That’s a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.
“What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “Denephew.”
A woman in my office who had recently divorced after years of marriage, signed up for a refresher CPR course.
“Is it hard to learn?” someone asked.
“Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don’t expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years.”
American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you’d like to know.
A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver’s license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.
“Could you get a little closer?” the examiner asks.
The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. “Now what?”
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 200 litres of milk. When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2 litres. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 200 litres of milk. Did you mean 2 litres?” The blonde said, “I want 200 litres. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits will be fine.”
Wife: What are you doing?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : “What do you mean, nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour now.”
Husband : “I was looking for the expiration date.”
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?You ring up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s sermon. What…? Say that again…? I’m cured?”
From the ‘Odd Spot’ in The Age (Thursday 10th May)”
Two Norwegian vandals overlooked a small detail as they started to smash up a station lift, they were inside it. The lift at Lillestroem north of Oslo, played its part, sealing its doors and holding them for police. ‘Vandalism is always sad, but a lot of people do see the humour in this’ a railways spokeswoman said. “
Sometimes life itself is funnier than any created joke, isn’t it.
A little boy opened his refrigerator door and saw the Easter Bunny there He asked “What are you doing in there?” The Easter Bunny replied “Is this a Westinghouse?” The boy said “Yes.” The Easter Bunny said “I’m westing?”
I thought that was cute on it’s own then one of the radio announcers said”What happened to Mrs Easter Bunny?”
“We don’t know”
“Kelvinator”
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is anything all right?”
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.
He said that, “Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.”
May 18
Update 18th May ’07
Big news from Rotovegas
Well, my time at TUMONZ is drawing to a close…
For those of you who do not know already, I’ve been offered a job working for the Rotorua District Council in the Tourism department as their Web Development Coordinator.
Should be a drastic shock to the system after happily working for TUMONZ for nearly 5 years.
I’ll be concentrating on web design & development, which I’ve been developing after hours and will be able to further my skills in online and email marketing.
So it’s my last week in the office here at TUMONZ next week, and I start at the council on the 28th, the following Monday.
So, what will you be doing there you ask?
Here is a little extract taken from my job description manual.
Position Purpose
- To effectively administer, maintain and develop Destination Rotorua’s Tourism Marketing external websites.
- To co-ordinate, support and train internal and external content providers, maintain quality control of content, monitor statistics, promote and develop DRTM’s presence via the web.
- To explore and develop web-based marketing and revenue opportunities to fullest potential.
- To develop, administer and maintain DRTM’s internal client management databases.
So Kim and I are very excited about this, but at the same time are sad about leaving TUMONZ, as we have been a part of that happy family team for so long.
Kim and I want to wish TUMONZ all the best for the many years ahead.
In other news,
Joshua is now 6 months, 3 weeks old and has 6 teeth!
Check out the latest 3 photos of Joshua here
He is an awesome little man, we can’t go on and on about it enough.
A big shout out Happy Birthday to the big fella Reg Hawthorne today, he’s celebrating his 33rd birthday today, no doubt there will be Tui flowing freely around at the Hawthorne residence tonight. Hope you have a great day today brother and can explain why we didn’t get an invitation…?
Also a big Happy 24th Birthday to Kate Betteridge on Sunday, our little niece has grown up so fast, and is now married and living in Pinehaven in their own house. Well done Kate, and have a great day on Sunday.
Well, hope that fills your tanks of Hodge gossip for another week.
Enjoy this weeks funnies here
Have a great weekend everyone and we’ll see you all next week for the final funnies from TUMONZ!
Over and out
Ciao
May 11
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Stress Buster No. 10.
Be a Joy Germ.
Step outside yourself and bring joy to others.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.”
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
“Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail for driving on a suspended license. She claims her publicist told her she was allowed to drive to work. Which would be great if she had a job.” -Jay Leno
Q. What’s green and sits in the corner?
A. A naughty frog.
Q. What are spider webs good for?
A. Spiders!
“Historic day at the White House. Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with the Queen Elizabeth II. There was an awkward moment when President Bush called her ‘Queen Elizabeth the sequel.’” -Conan O’Brien
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore… In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
When Insults Had Class
- “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” Â Winston Churchill
- “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” Â Winston Churchill
- “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” Â Abraham Lincoln
- “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” Â Stephen Bishop
- “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” Â John Bright
- “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Â Paul Keating
- “He had delusions of adequacy.” Â Walter Kerr
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” Â Groucho Marx
“Disney has opened up its first theme park in China. 10,000 children showed up on opening day – and that was just to make the t-shirts.” –Conan O-Brien
“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.” –Elayne Boosler
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist… for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of “Show and Tell” that day had been parents’ occupations.
The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.”
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.”
Extract from an essay written by a student nurse. (from our book “Doctor, I feel funny.â€
“A woman who is expecting a baby should always go to her local doctor as soon as she has reason to believe she may be pregnant. She must realize that her local doctor is always the person mainly responsible for her condition.â€
Interesting Year 1981
- Prince Charles got married
- Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
- Australia lost the Ashes tournament
- The Pope Died
Interesting Year 2005
- Prince Charles got married
- Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
- Australia lost the Ashes tournament
- The Pope Died
Lesson Learned?
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
It’s really just a Melbourne metaphor for Romeo and Juliet.
Bazza is driving over the West Gate Bridge when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off the top. Bazza slams on the brakes and yells: “Shazza, what the hell d’ya think ya doin’?” Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says: “G’bye Bazza. Ya got me pregnant, so now I’m gonna kill meself”.
Bazza gets a real lump in his throat when he hears this. “Shazza”, he says over his shoulder as he slowly drives away, “Fair dinkum, not only are ya a top root but you’re a real sport too.” Ain’t luv grand.
“According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman 11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time the average woman is aroused the guy’s been asleep for nine minutes.” -Jay Leno
“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”
“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.
“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”
Three senior ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Nellie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Both Betty and Nellie had a stroke.
But Patsy, being older and feebler, couldn’t reach that far.
Bless her heart.
May 04
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Stress Buster No. 9.
Take a break.
As one person said to us, “Some people think they are doing you a favour by working through their lunch break, but don’t realise how grumpy they get because they have not eaten.
Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for. —Unknown
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".
For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?" I asked.
A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done."
Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known. Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
I had to voice my concern when a colleague said she found dates using the internet. "Don’t worry about me" she said. "I always insist we meet at a miniature golf course." "Why there?" I asked. "First, it’s a public spot" she said. "Second, it’s in broad daylight. And third, I have a club in my hand"
I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I’d ever had the "sportsman’s double", a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:
"Mum you still awake?"
Q: What is Pilates?
A: Caffeinated Yoga!
On a whim a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work.
The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes…AND NOW YOU’VE GOT THE NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"
Some Christian Humour
- There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
- "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it’s morning."
- There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets."
- A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked, "You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… "
- People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of the farmer’s time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair, and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result… The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise, as well.
Some of the artists of the 60′s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
- Herman’s Hermits— Mrs.. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.
- The Bee Gees— How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
- Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
- Johnny Nash— I Can’t See Clearly Now.
- Paul Simon— Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
- Procol Harem— A Whiter Shade of Hair.
- Leo Sayer— You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
- Abba— Denture Queen.
- Tony Orlando— Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
- Helen Reddy— I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
- Leslie Gore— It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner."
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Adrian Hodge
About
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. During the day I'm an Application Developer for Rotorua District Council and after hours I run Hodgeman Web & Design.
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