Finest media double-entendres

12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him. “
3. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator – “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – ” Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”
5. US PGA Commentator – “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ….. Oh my god!! What have I just said??”
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ” So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters – “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.”
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1′s UK eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 15

Go for colour.

Why do so many people wear black? Avoid black, grey and brown, those colours might look smart but won’t enhance your mood. Wear red, yellow, green, blue and pink to lift your mood, choose colours that make you smile.

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The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to retire six over- aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh…I’m sorry to hear your mother will be out of work."

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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We’ve been waiting for you. Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love." The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I’m surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

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"I guess you heard, there’s a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went down. Pretty scary. But they’re hoping they can fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India." -Jay Leno

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What do you call two full beers occupying both hands of a person?

Irish handcuffs.

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What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A feminist who won’t do what she’s told.

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"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O’Brien

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a handsome, retired Firefighter in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I’m not going to sugar coat it, this is one ferocious lion. He killed my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to go first?"

She walks right past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles, finally resting his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He says, "I’ve never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the firefighter and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old smoke-eater replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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"More problems today for Paris Hilton in prison. Apparently she saw another woman wearing the exact same outfit that she had on." -Jay Leno

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When a woman wears leather clothing…

A mans heart beats faster… His throat gets dry… He goes weak at the knees… And he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new ute.

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Dan went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don’t laugh!"

"Of course I won’t laugh," the doctor said."I’m a professional. In more than twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘willie’ the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Five minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I’m so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don’t know what came over me.

On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It’s swollen," Dan replied …

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It’s the international T-V challenge "Mastermind of the World 2007". The finalists, in their respective sound-proof booths are an American, an Englishman and an Irishman.

The compare turned off the sound to the Englishman & Irishman, and said to the American, "For Mastermind of the World 2007, complete the saying and spell the word: "Old McDonald had a …."

"Ranch," said the Yank. "R..A..N..C..H"

Well, the judges considered and eventually decided to allow the answer as "that’s what they call them over there". "Ding"

Off went the sound to the Yank, and on came the the Englishman. "For Mastermind of the World 2007, complete the saying and spell the word: "Old McDonald had a …."

"Estate," said the Pom. "E..S..T..A..T..E"

Once again the judges had to consider and allow the question because "we gave it to the Yank". "Ding"

Finally the Irishman’s sound was turned on and the question repeated. "For Mastermind of the World 2007, complete the saying and spell the word: "Old McDonald had a …."

"Farm," said Paddy, really pleased with himself. "E..I..E..I..O"

Hodge ‘get together’ 2007 – Punakaiki

It’s now Thursday, and we’ve been in Punakaiki for 4 days.
We’ve been staying with my parents who manage the Paparoa Park Motels.

The weather has been so so, but you can’t expect tropical temperatures on the west coast, especially in winter.
It’s been great spending time with the family, as we get together every year. This year has been the year of babies. Joshua is now 7 1/2 months old and my sisters baby Edward is now 7 weeks. My cousins baby Zach Wilkins was also around on Tuesday night (he’s 5 months old) when all the Greymouth relatives came out for dinner (and drinking, as only Wilkins’s know how…)

Yesterday we journeyed out to Hokitika to visit Kim’s uncle and then on the way home we caught up with Kim’s long lost west coast cousins who she hadn’t seen for over 20 years. It was great to catch up with all of them and Kim’s dad will be mighty pleased we did, as we were.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 14.

Ask for help

We sometimes expect that people around us should see that we are overwhelmed and offer us help. Most people have no idea how we are feeling, but will gladly help if asked

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A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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“Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.” —Ogden Nash

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Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”

The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door.”

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Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, “What are you looking for in that closet?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he answered.

“Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed.”

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A cop is patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer Magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”

The cop says: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… And nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says “I’m 18, sir.”

The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

“She’ll be 16 in 11minutes"

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My son is 23 years old, 6′ 2”, strong and fit as a lion, thin as a stick insect, knows just about everything about everything, works very hard as a cattle man/stock and stock agent on the edge of Victoria’s high mountain country and of course is “extremely cool”.

We were having an animated discussion about someone who had annoyed him and about life in general -(and when trying to share a little of my wisdom with him asked if he understood the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

Instantly he retorted with a smile as big as the world –”of course assertive is when you grab them by the throat because they will not listen to you and aggressive is when you have to punch them!”

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Puns from DC

• Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
• A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
• Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
• I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
• A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
• When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
• Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly”.

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An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: ‘Do you men know Jesus Christ?’

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, ‘Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?’

One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?

The worker yelled back, ‘His wife’s here with his lunch.’

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Funny seen on a blackboard outside Lifeline in Rockhampton – “There are only three mens hair styles – The parted, The Unparted, and the Departed!!!”

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A little old lady went out on a date after meeting a lovely old gentleman in their retirement village. A lovely dinner led to coffee at his place, which led to the usual. Afterwards, lying in bed, the old gentleman thought to himself “Wow, if I’d known she was a virgin I would have taken it easier with her!”

The little old lady lay there thinking “Wow, if I’d known he could get it up at his age, I would have taken my pantyhose off!”

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