Why men don’t write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He’d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. Bu t when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely

Mrs. Sheila Usk

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Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

Joshua turns One today!

Well, it’s been one of the quickest years of my life!

Our little boy, Joshua Ethan Hodge, is celebrating his first birthday today, with a party to follow tomorrow.
Should be great celebration with family coming from Auckland, Wellington, and as far away as Punakaiki to celebrate with Joshua.
What a milestone, the big 1.0, Joshua has been such an awesome addition to our life, he is a real joy to interact with, brings a smile to our face anytime we play with him and melts our heart everytime we check on him in bed.

If you’re interested, you can follow Joshua’s life in the photo gallery from day one to the current day. As I’ve uploaded over 120 photos of Joshua from the past year, on average 2 or 3 each week. So sit back, relax and watch Joshua grow before your eyes. Watch Joshua Grow.

Joshua shares his birthday with Hillary Clinton, born in 1947.
Also happening today, Apple is releasing it’s new OS – Mac OS X Leopard.

Read all about the birthday party and see photos here

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 31

Seek out quiet Low level noise such as keyboards, chatting and the hum of photocopiers can lead to raised levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Find ways to retreat from noise in your lunch break… the park, a church or a conference room.

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Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?” asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: “Are you Irish?” “If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?” demanded the Irishman indignantly.

“Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?” Then, warming to his theme, he went on: “Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?”

“Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?” The assistant said: “Well, no.”

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. “And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?” “What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?” “Well no, I probably wouldn’t” conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?”

The assistant replied: “Because you’re in Bunnings”

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Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” Ed said to his lady friend.

“I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.”

Dorothy responded, “If we’re being honest with each other, here goes………. I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”

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True story

Tom and James came into my classroom very annoyed with each other. I asked what the matter was and Tom complained bitterly that James had sworn at him. James, with great indignation, said that he hadn’t. Accusations of, “Did!”, “Didn’t!” flew too and fro.

Finally I asked what had actually been said. Tom replied that James had used the ‘F’ word. They set too again, “No I didn’t!”, “Yes you did!” with increasing animosity, until Tom finally exploded, “Yes you did, you called me ‘Fathead’!”

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A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had fired him. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old!”

By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday!”

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After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart- ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.

“Father’s date of birth?” she asked.

When I told her, she said, “Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?”

“No, I hadn’t thought about it,” I responded, “but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date.”

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, “Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday.”

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A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

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“Did you hear about that actress who was stabbed? … Reece, Rhys … reece ??? oh … Witherspoon?? … no, with a knife!

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One day Joe decided that he would like to have a dog. Being a modern guy, he looked at e-bay for a bargain and sure enough he found a Belgian guy who offered puppies for sale. He decided to go there and take a look at the puppies. As they were just old enough to be separated from their mother and the prise was right, the sale was made and Joe went home with his new companion. At home he immediately tried to teach the puppy some tricks. The first one was to fetch a stick that he would throw away. The puppy was very quick to learn this trick and Joe took his puppy out to the park to play with it. The puppy was delighted to fetch the stick and Joe was throwing it ever further. One time however, he accidentally threw the stick into the pond. The puppy went after it and – much to Joes surprise – the puppy walked over the water, fetched the stick and brought it back to Joe. Joe could not believe his eyes, so he threw the stick into the pond once more. Sure enough the puppy ran out to the pond, walked over the water, fetched the stick and brought it back to Joe. When Joe returned home, he decided to inform the Belgian seller of the dog about the unusual quality of this puppy. This guy was not surprised at all! What is so special about that, he replied. In a litter of ten dogs, there is always one or two that cannot swim….

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I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an- nouncement posted on the bulletin board: “All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.

Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren.”

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The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.

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There is a website that greatly amuses me… Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About by Mil Millington.

Here is an excerpt….

We’re in the car. Margret’s driving. Just up ahead a woman is beginning to walk out onto a zebra crossing. I sense from Margret’s general aura – also from the fact she’s not easing off the accelerator to allow us to dip under the sound barrier – that, though I have, she hasn’t spotted this person. ‘Look out!’ I say, pointing with one hand while preparing the other to meet the airbag. Now realising the situation, Margret pulls up sharply and we come to a neck-rocking halt: ambling across in front of us, entirely unaware of her good fortune, the pedestrian lives. Margret turns to me and, prickly, says, “You’re always looking around at other women aren’t you?”

You can see heaps more at …. mil-millington.com

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The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, “Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I’m fine.”

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Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I’d gained some weight and I didn’t feel so hot. My doctor said that I needed to eat right and that it didn’t have to be complicated. It would solve all my physical problems, he said, if I just think in colors.

He told me to fill my plate with bright colors – greens, yellows, reds, etc. So I went home and did just what he said. I ate a whole bowl full of M & M’s and you know what? He’s was right, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

Hell explained by chemistry student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student however, wrote the following…

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the  temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it???

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I  sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

This student received an A+.

Ace Ventura Laugh

I was looking through some old files and folders tonight and found this which made me laugh.
I made this on September 3, 2003. It was funny back then and it still brings a smile to my face now.
To watch it again, press F5 to refresh the page.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.adrianhodge.com/flash/laughter.swf" height="400" width="300" /]

If you’re wondering who that handsome devil is, who looks like Billy Idol, yep, you guessed it. It’s Me!