The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 30

Humour Days at work

Fun decor, cartoon posters, jokes at meetings, balloons, funny hats, email humour, fun tea breaks, talent competitions, comedy DVDs, fun logos and signs, decorate lifts, award prizes for effort.

Explain to people, we take our work seriously and ourselves a little less seriously.

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“Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘Who’s the bald chick in the dress?’” -Conan O’Brien

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I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards. —Unknown

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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”

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At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? —Unknown

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Drawbacks of working in a cubicle

• Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who’s behind you.
• The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
• Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
• When you quit and walk out, there’s no door to slam.
• Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a freakin’ box all day long.
• 23 power cords – 1 outlet.
• If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say “What? I didn’t hear you.”
• You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they’ve gone.

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Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite.

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I don’t know if you know much about a town by the name of Queenstown in Tassie, but it’s ecological history is somewhat bleak. First they logged every single tree from every hill for miles (lots of hills by the way), then they discovered copper and some other useful metals and ripped into the hills.

They also used some pretty potent chemicals in their mining processes and the naked, rocky hills are now permanently stained in shades of purple and pink. It is one of the ugliest places I have ever seen and if the road sign is anything to go by, I’m not the only one. The sign should have read “Welcome to Queenstown” but someone with a sense of humour and a liking for Tolkien scratched out the correct name and wrote “Mordor” instead. I have never seen more apt grafitti.

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his full time carer!’

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What’d you buy?’

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A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out- side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

“No,” replied the man, “That’s my ball!”

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One morning at church, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyerof the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with little flags mounted on either side of it.

The six year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”

“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor, what is this?” he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,

“Which service, the 9:30 or the 11:15?”

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Quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible — George Burns

 

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you. — Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller

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Have you heard about the latest Viagra?

It comes in powder form . You can put it in your tea or coffee so that when you dip your biscuit it doesn’t go limp

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John Howard Stamp

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of John Howard to honour his achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged our Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, the investigation revealed three findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

Nymphomaniac convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, ‘business trip or vacation?’

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said ‘Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States’.

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’

‘Lecturer,’ she responded.. ‘I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.’

‘Really’, he smiled, ‘what myths are those?’

‘Well,’ she explained, ‘ one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,’

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name.’

‘Tonto,’ the man said… ‘Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A man went to the Patent Office trying to register some of his inventions. He went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down his personal info and then asked him what he had invented. He said, “A folding bottle.”

She said, “Okay. What do you call it?”

“A Fottle.”

“What else do you have?”

“A folding carton.”

“What do you call it?”

“A Farton.”

She snickered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”

He was so upset by her comment that he grabbed the form and left he office without even telling her about his folding bucket.

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“I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them.” – George Bush

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Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, “Let’s all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position.”

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Six months after a French waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the man in the great beyond.

During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter’s outfit.

“Arnold!” she cried. “Come closer and speak to me!”

A ghostly voice drifted from the corner… “I can’t. It’s not my table.”

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The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining customers, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

“Turn over, Cindy!” whispered the girl lying beside her… “This is a stick-up not an office party.”

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I wondered why nobody did anything, then I realized I was somebody~!

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Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.

“Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?”

“Certainly,” answered the minister, “why shouldn’t I?”

“Well you see, it’s like this,” replied Tony. “When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate ‘Thomas.’

This boy I want to name Jack.”

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NZ humour

If you are going to New Zealand I must tell you a story I heard. A big sporting event was held in New Zealand.Someone wrote on a wall in large letters – AUSTRALIA SUCKS. Underneath someone else had scrawled. New Zealand seventh.

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“I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.” —Laura Kightlinger

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“My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! —Sarah Silverman

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There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, “Tick – Tock”, over and over. After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn’t even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, “Tick…Tick.. Tick…”

The German officer in charge went up to him and said, “You thinks you iss so schmart! But I’m telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK!”

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“The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” —George Deukmejian

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Continuing with interesting road signs in Australia:

Noticed many years ago in far North Queensland. On the southern bank of the Daintree River was a very large formal sign that read: “Beware, man eating crocodiles inhabit this river”. Also on the sign, written in chalk, by, obviously, a feminist were the words “What about the women then?”

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THIS EXPLAINS THE ORIGIN OF WHY MEN STARTED WEARING EARRINGS

A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” “So,” he says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make a big deal of it, it’s only an earring,” the co-worker replies peevishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

I always wondered how this trend got started and now I know.

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Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.

“Who was it?” he yells.

“That alta kakker Goldstein?”

“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Goldstein.”

“Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?”

“No, not him.”

“Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!”

“No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…”

Morris was now fuming. “What’s the matter?” he cried. “None of my friends are good enough for you?”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 28.

Time together and time apart

Only you can judge this. When you have time apart, you bring new experiences and a freshness back into the relationship. However balance is important, if you have too much time apart, you can start to live separate lives.

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"Here’s to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands." –Ambrose Bierce

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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They’re n a k e d, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

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"A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other." —Unknown

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A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it’s me."

"It’s really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

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Paddy and his wife were in bed trying to get to sleep when the neighbours dog began to bark. After 15 minutes Of constant barking, Paddy bounds out of bed. "I’m going to go and see about that dog".

Not 5 minutes later Paddy is back in bed, and the dog can still be heard barking. His wife says, "Paddy your back, what did you Do?" Paddy says, "I put him in our yard. Let them put up with it for a while."

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She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to Leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

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There is a new group established for obsessive speakers, it is called On and On Anon

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I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

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A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library… The librarian quips after checking the books…

"Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book…"

The surgeon replies, "I can’t stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one."

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True observation

On a recent trip down the Stuart Highway from Katherine to Tennant Creek noted the sign "TICK FREE AREA" – some wag had added "LUNA" prior to the Tick! Some great humour in the Aussie road signs which we appreciated.

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Just a quick true story for you: My friend at work has a very cute 3 yr old daughter. After going to kinder for the day the little girl told her mummy about the plays they had been doing that day and now wanted to perform for her mum. She gets ready and sits her mum down and starts off by saying "Ladies and GERMANS……" Her mother tried to tell her that it was actually ladies and gentleman, but the little girl was adamant it was "Ladies and Germans"……..

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This is hot of the press from Gai my friend in the U.S. I’m not sure how she got hold of Australia’s new Citizen Questionnaire, but here it is.

Do you know the answers to these:

LANGUAGE

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of the term "died in the arse"?
2. What is a mole?
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

CUSTOMS

1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
2. Complete the following sentences:
   1. "If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother …
   2. You’re going home in the back of a …
   3. Fair suck of the …
3. I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss
4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD

1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
4. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
5. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE

1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
2. Who would you like to crack on to?
3. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
4. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
5. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?