Nov 30
Movember – Day 30 
Well, in support of Movember, I grew a mo, not a too shabby effort if I do say so myself. Here is the final result, all photos where taken by me in my best americas next top model poses.
Movember – Day 30
Nov 30
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Stress Buster No. 36
“The highest drug in the world is givingâ€. Patch Adams.
When we do a good deed we feel good, today find a way of
doing something special for someone else. For example…
Praise people, smile at a stranger, make a coffee for
someone busier than you, thank people or let someone into
the traffic.
An oldie, but I love it.
“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the
employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”
“Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to
work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety
complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.”
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a
co-worker in the hospital.
“How are things at the office going, Claudia?” she asked.
“Well, they’re all sharing your work. Jody is making the
coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Cathy is
making it with the boss.”
Joke of the Year – 2007
Two women were sitting together, quietly.
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational
toy.
“Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked
the salesclerk.
“It’s designed to ease the tot into living in today’s
world, madam,” the shop assistant replied. “Any way he
tries to put it together is wrong.”
Q. Why is Cinderella such a poor tennis player?
A. She had a pumpkin for a coach.
An Aussie Love Story
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac bikkies wafting up
the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac biscuits.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he
left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards
the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His
aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a spatula.
“No!!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”
“I hope I don’t sound like an old-fashioned
stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast
fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing
anything to society, my reaction is: ‘How can I get in on
that?’” –Dave Barry
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of
the men walked in the office and said, “We need some
four-by-twos.”
The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go
check.” After a while, the customer returned to the office
and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
Oh! And a first-grader joke for you:
Q. “What’s white and smells like blue paint?”
A. White paint!
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian.” –Dennis Wholey
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a
little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in
the chin.
Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he
ordered a martini?
A. Olive or twist?
I guy walks into his Doctors office and he has one ear full
of jelly and the other full of cake.
The Doctor says, “What can I do for you today Mr Jones?”
The man says, “What.”
So the Doctor repests himself, “What can I do for you today
Mr Jones?
Mr Jones, lookling slightly befuddled says, “You will have
to speak up a bit Doctor, I am a trifle deaf.”
Q. “Why did everyone run out of Wendys?”
A. “Because someboyd dropped a Whopper”
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be
really good friends.
“There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and
ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it,
he said, ‘It was all right but I liked the book better.’”
—Johnny Carson
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben
and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down
the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the
ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it
crash before the had taken three steps. the second threw
his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch
shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower,
went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the
street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch
the watch.” How did you do that?” asked one of his friends.
“My watch is 20 minutes slow.”
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a
six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class. She came to the part of the story where first
pig was trying to gather the building materials for his
home. She read … ‘and so the pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?’
The teacher paused then asked the class ‘And what do you think the man said?’
One little boy raised his hand and said very
matter-of-factly …’I think the man would have said -
‘Well, me!! A talking pig!’
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Things people hate
- Waiting to go straight ahead at a red light behind someone
who doesn’t indicate they’re turning right until the light
goes green - How about being told that you’re repeating yourself?
- I hate is getting hurt by an inanimate object because you
can’t hurt it back! - Having to travel 2 or 3 kilometres out of my way just to do
a u turn or turn right. - People who just walk in on a conversation, interupt it and start talking about other
things. - Anyone who absolutely must have the last word no
matter what. - People who have an art of turning things
around and reversing things to put blame on the other
party. - People entering my workspace and immediately starting into
what they want done – regardless of what I might be doing
at the time - Sports speak BS (Still):inevitably during an interview
Aus/NZ sports folk will say “Yeah-na” What does that mean? - At the movies – TEXTERS. I will give them one or two – who
knows what emergency it might be? After that I say in
normal conversational tone loud in a theatre (quite) “Please, if you are here for the movie turn off your phone.
If you want to text go outside so we can enjoy what we paid
for”.
Nov 23
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Stress Buster No. 35
Things people hate, part 2.
We’ve included a few more for this week, but we’d love you to send in the favourite things that YOU hate.
- Being corrected for a mispronounced word.
- Being pushed into something you don’t want to do.
- Being corrected for a mispronounced word.
- People whispering or rustling at the movies or theatre.
A guy goes into the doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you’re not eating right.”
Our local paper runs a popular column called “10 Questions” that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, “What’s the ‘strangest’ thing you ever bought?”
She answered, “Dog toothpaste.”
Next question, “What is the ‘most common’ thing people say to you?”
Her answer: “Where did you get such white teeth?”
“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” —Demetri Martin
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
—————-
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
—————-
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh… I was gettin’ laid!
—————-
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
—————-
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
—————-
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young well endowed blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.
One Liners
“I still miss my ex – but am getting better with practice”
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke!
I’m not a complete idiot – some of the parts are missing
“I ain’t saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.” –Unknown
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’” she asked.
“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”
“Is that a record?” the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.
“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. —Ashleigh Brilliant
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris with a gorgeous woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’”
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Paul Keating
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too
Then there was the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and the next morning found she was six months pregnant.
I went to a store to buy some insecticide. “Is this good for beetles?” I asked the clerk. “No,” replied. “It’ll kill ‘em.”
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor.
“I’m here to do my postnatal exercises,”
The instructor gave me an appraising look. “How old is your baby?”
“Twenty-six,” I replied.
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”
“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.
Answers St. Peter, “We added up your billable hours.”
Nov 16
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Stress Buster No. 34.
Things people hate.
Limit difficult behaviour in others by avoiding what people tell us they hate. Examples include:
- Being told “I told you so.â€
- People pushing in front of a queue.
- Having chips pinched from their plate.
- Being coughed on.
- People who don’t back you at a meeting.
- Being given advice they don’t want.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145 years old!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
Another true school story from Marcia One of my then colleagues had a very disruptive boy in her class of 5 year olds and had ‘words’ with this boy just before the end of the school day. First thing the next morning the boy’s mother arrived at the school principal’s office demanding, in no uncertain terms the teacher should be sacked for calling her son unacceptable names. She raged on for some minutes before the principal could get a word in and offered to summon the teacher concerned. When my colleague arrived the mother accused her of calling her son ‘a scurvy elephant’. The teacher was dumbfounded and maintained she hadn’t and wouldn’t, under any circumstances, call a pupil ‘a scurvy elephant’. The principal promised she would continue to ‘look into’ the matter and the mother, though still irate, left the school. The matter troubled my colleague all day but just on ‘home time’ she remembered the previous day she had referred to the boy as ‘a disturbing element’!
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.” -Steven Wright
An old husband was in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”
Q. Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A. The Meat ball!
I went to the cemetery yesterday, there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking around with it.
I thought to myself:
“These idiots have lost the plot”
A true story
In local hospital they have a cabinet of the more expensive gifts for the patients. Any way an old fella stood looking at the display then asked my wife to take 10 presents out for closer inspection. Then he said he’d take them all for the grandchildren and could she take the price tags off and wrap them individually please?
In view of the size of the sale Noreen rushed to oblige. As she finished the last one she watched in horror as the nurse from the dementia ward wandered in and took the old fellow’s arm and guided him out the door. And to make matters worse, she couldn’t remember which price tag went with which present.
“Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about the seven inches.” —Mae West
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
He’s still in intensive care.
This actually happened – I know the people involved: A vicar sat before his typewriter one morning to write his sermon for the following Sunday. “What will you use as your text, my dear?” asked his wife. “Water skiing,” he replied. She expressed some doubts about his choice but he seemed confident so she went off to attend a meeting. In the event he couldn’t make the sermon “jell” so he gave up after a while and attended to more pressing matters.
Later in the week he tried again and felt quite pleased with a sermon he had written on the subject of s e x education. Unfortunately the pair had a busy week so hadn’t had time to communicate about all of their activiteis and on Sunday she missed the service because she was preparing dinner for a group of visiting clergy.
The following week her long time friend and confidant arrived early for Mothers’ Union meeting. She burst into the house saying, “I am so sorry you couldn’t attend on Sunday, Martha, your husband’s sermon was quite the most inspiring one I’ve heard yet – he was brilliant.”
Martha thought back to her enquiry about his text for the week and when she remembered, said “Go on, Edith, it can’t have been. He knows nothing about it. He’s only ever tried twice – once before we were married and once not long afterwards and he fell off both times.”
An elderly clergiman who retired to a country district used to keep himself active and entertained by cycling half a dozen miles of a Sunday to a nearby church to take a service on behalf of the local vicar. One morning his cycle skidded in the gravel and deposited him ignominiously in a ditch, which fortunately was dry.
A few minutes later Mr. and Mrs. B all came along in their car, rescued the old boy and gave him a lift to the church where he thought a few words of public acknowledgement would be appropriate. “I had an unfortunate experience this morning,” he told his congregation, “my cycle skidded and I ended up in the ditch and if I hadn’t been pulled out by the B alls I wouldn’t be here now.” Then wondered why his congregation cracked up.
If you throw a cat out of a car window, is that kitty litter?
Nov 12
Great panoramas of our house
Over the weekend, we took some great shots of our place to give to the real estate agents to better market the house.
So with a little help of the automated photomerge action in Adobe Photoshop CS3, I was able to whip up the following panoramas from in and around our house here in Rotorua, New Zealand
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Adrian Hodge
About
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
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