Stress Buster No. 39
Energise with achievements.
As the year draws to a close, make time to reflect on all you’ve achieved this year personally and as a family. Make a list to share, discuss and celebrate.
On a queue in a bookshop yesterday, Patricia decided to have a bit of a grumble with the women next to her. It was about men not understanding the work involved in Christmas. All the women agreed and one of them said “The trouble with Christmas is that it only comes once a year, so you don’t have time to train them up.â€
Arthur is 90 years old.
He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it”, he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad… once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cup of tea.
As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try”.
“That’s no good” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help”.
“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect”.
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law.”Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!”
“Where did it go?” says Arthur.
“I can’t remember”.
“Men, like nails, lose their usefulness when they lose direction and begin to bend.” —Walter Savage Landor
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, “How could you possibly have found this man innocent?”
The foreman replied, “Insanity.”
The perplexed prosecutor asked, “All twelve of you?”
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, “What are you doing with those?”
He looked her in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Student: “A teacher.”
Thought you might appreciate this little woopsie from an email report-back on a recent volcanic conference held in Japan:
The latest investment news indicates that we’re in for a bumpy ride, now that problems in the sub-prime lending market in America have now spread uncertainty into the Japanese economy.
The trend over the last month adds weight to rumors that the Origami Bank is likely to fold, the Sumo Bank could go belly up, while Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.
The Karaoke Bank is ripe for a takeover, with analysts predicting that it will go for a song, while overnight reports reveal that trading in Kamikaze Bank has been suspended after shares nose-dived.
Five hundred senior Karate Bank executives have got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, with shareholders likely to get a raw deal.
But in all this concern it’s worth knowing that people who say they don’t care about money will usually be careless with the truth about other things as well.
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back.”
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”
“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.” — Sir Francis Bacon
The tale about the old couple where the lady left her glasses behind at a restaurant reminded me of Denise & I when we go for a drive. On the odd occasion she has left her glasses at home but we must go back and get them as “she needs to wear them for me to drive properly”.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said,”You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s pa n ties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize??
The man replied, “These are Carols.”
Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.
Elderly Husband: Whatever happened to our sexual relations?
Elderly Wife: I don’t know. I don’t think we got a card from them this year.
“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” —Ira Gassen
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ‘Why?’ my daughter asked.’
Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs’ I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Mummy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’ I was thinking quickly. ‘All mums know this stuff. It’s on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mummy.’
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ‘OH… I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the daddy.’ ‘Exactly,’ I replied back with a big smile on my face.
Got this email today and thought it was very good.
I know someone who could use a guide like this when they go out into town in Rotorua.
Hope you all have a great Christmas festive season and a prosperous new year. Don’t drink and drive and enjoy what fine weather we may have.
SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION |
|---|---|---|
Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
Feet warm and wet. | Improper bladder control. | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. |
Drink unusually pale and tasteless. | Glass empty. | Get someone to buy you another drink. |
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.. | You have fallen over backward. | Have yourself lashed to bar. |
Mouth contains cigarette butts. | You have fallen forward. | See above. |
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. |
Floor blurred. | You are looking through bottom of empty glass. | Get someone to buy you another drink. |
Floor moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. |
Room seems unusually dark. | Bar has closed. | Confirm home address with bartender. |
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. | Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. | Cover mouth. |
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. | You are dancing on the table. | Fall on somebody cushy-looking. |
Drink is crystal-clear. | It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. | Punch him. |
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. | You have been in a fight. | Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. |
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in. | You’ve wandered into the wrong party. | See if they have free alcohol. |
Your singing sounds distorted. | The drink is too weak. | Have more alcohol until your voice improves. |
Don’t remember the words to the song. | Drink is just right. | Play air guitar |
I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.
I named him Mohammed.
This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.
My question is, “Have I made a prophet?”
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 100 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denominations?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 28 Catholic, 22 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, 22 Baptists and 18 Atheists.”
Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.
The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.
“Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?”
The counselor scowled. “Well young lady,” he said, “maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line.”
Vegetarian – Indian word for bad hunter
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. ‘He’s a funeral director,’ she answered. ‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20′s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40′s, later on a preacher when in her 60′s, and now in her 80′s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.” -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer.”
After his exam the doctor said to David, ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’
‘In fact, I do,’ said David’ After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.’
After examining his elderly wife Roberta, the doctor said, ‘Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’ Roberta replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: ‘Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having s e x with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?’
‘Oh that crazy old codger ,’ she replied. ‘That’s because the first time is usually in December and the second time is in July.
“I don’t mind coming to work,
But that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch.”
A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up. She replied, “You mean imagine that it’s good?”
“I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.’” –Kathleen Madigan
A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instruct- ions. That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. “Any time,” the doctor replied. “Why do you ask?”
“It says here in your instructions, ‘no relations until after your post-op checkup.’
Wife to Norm: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Norm to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to Norm: “What? At 2 am?!”
Norm to wife: “Yes. We used night clubs.”
Q. What’s the main difference between a woman and a dog?
A. The later you are, the more excited the dog is to see you
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids”.
A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, “Good God give me some food!”
As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.
Puzzled he looked up… There was a leper painting the ceiling.
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
Funny stuff by a NZ comedian. Great covers, really talented, so funny…
Enjoy.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Babypu3kT68
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
