Fabulous Friday Funnies – Easter Double Up (Part Two)

"You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap." —Dolly Parton

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When I was in an antique shop in a Victorian country town recently I saw this sign….

“Any unsupervised children will be given unlimited red cordial and told they can take a cute puppy home.”

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"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway." -Jay Leno

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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and dis- appeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

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I heard a funny one on St Patrick’s day

Paddy goes down to the Police Station to do the written test. The Sgt comes in after he’s done & says ‘You didn’t even answer the first question correctly – who’s the Queen of England? Now get out here & don’t come back until you find tat out!’

Paddy goes home to his wife. She asks ‘Did you get the job?’ ‘I think so’ says Paddy, ‘And they’ve put me on a case already!’

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"There was one nursing home that each night gave it’s elderly male residents a Viagra Tablet. It was much to help their sex life but mote to stop them rolling out of bed each night."

While I’m on poor Viagra Jokes, my wife took one the other day and she woke up with a stiff neck.

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Two country boys were driving a truck and trailer down the highway when they came to an overbridge with a sign saying "Clearance 3.1 metres". They measured their rig to find that it is 3.5 metres high. "I don’t see any cops around," said one, "let’s go for it."

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A man complained to his teenage daughter that the modern generation had no modesty. "When I was your age," he said, "girls still knew how to blush." "Good heavens Dad," replied the daughter, "what on earth did you say to them?"

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Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you? She agreed, and they had sex.

Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her!"

Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

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Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for. —Unknown

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On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a se xy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ‘It’s Lent.’

In tears, she remarked, ‘Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?’

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"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an energy drink. It’s for people who get tired while waiting in line at Starbucks." –Conan O’Brien

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A guy walks into his Dr’s rooms & pulls down his trousers & shows the Dr his backside. He has a lettuce growing out of it! The Dr says “I see the problem” The guy replies, “Dr that’s only the tip of the iceberg!!!!!”

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Just had to share a story from my staff meeting this week. One of the lovely older ladies who works for me had her sister visiting from the UK and together they went to visit our Parliament in Wellington. They had a tour around the building and at the end the guide told them that Parliament was in session if they wished to have a look. So having stowed bags and other belongings they had to walk through a metal detector and the guard asked my lovely staff member to remove her top.

She looked down and decided that the metal rivets on her top were the problem and quickly checked to see what she had on underneath, decided that she would still be decent if she took her top off and as she went to lift her top to take it off her sister leaned over and told her that the guard meant the cardy that was tied around her waist not her top!!!

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As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What’s that stuff all over those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That’s what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

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Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You’re smiling now cause you are an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. Theres still a stupid smile on your face.

Fabulous Friday Funnies – Easter Double Up (Part One)

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, ‘Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?’

The other guy says, ‘Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’……….. So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, ‘Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of cereal, honey.’ But I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you evil bit-ch!’

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The snow fell at RAF Scampton and a grounded OCU crew decided to make a snowman. A rare creature soon appeared in a Land Rover – an RAF Policeman (Snowdrop), who thought he had a sense of humour. To demonstrate his sense of fun, he ran over the snowman!

To show that they would not be daunted, the gallant aircrew rebuilt their snowman – around a concrete bollard and guess what, he fell for it!

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If you don’t hear the knock of opportunity – build a door. Anon.

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Brenda and George took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their Little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small thingy. After examining the child, the! doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’ ‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied.

‘The rest are for your father!!

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You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They call him ‘Doctor’. –Abe Lemons

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The owner of the pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the blonde sales girl: ‘What’s with the guy over there by the wall?’

The blonde responds: ‘Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative’

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: ‘You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!’

The blonde calmly responds: ‘Of course you can!, Look at him, he’s afraid to cough.’

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For many months I have been a grateful recipient of the Friday Funnies. Working in Radiation Oncology is not a bed of roses, so the Funnies provide much needed light relief to our workforce. I heard this one the other day and had to share it:

An old man went to the doctors and asked for V I ag ar a tablets, then said, ‘Could you direct the chemist to cut them into quarters please’. The doctor said ‘A quarter of a tablet is not going to give you a full erec tion’. ‘I’m 96 years old, I don’t have much use for one – I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t pee on my slippers’.

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Four people took a private flight one day. There was a doctor, a lawyer, a priest & a 6 year old boy.

Half way through the flights destinated course, the plane began to beep and blink and make bad noises. So they all went to the planes cupboard and opened up to find the parachutes. Unfortunatly, there were only 3 chutes left.

The doctor grabbed one and said ‘I’m a doctor, i save peoples lives’ and jumped out the planes dorr to safety. The Lawyer said ‘I’m a lawyer. i’m the smartest man in the world’. The Priest looked at the boy and handed him the last parachute kindly saying ‘ it’s alright, take this and save yourself, it’s my turn to die’. But the young boy gave him back the chute.

The Priest then asked ‘why did you just give it back?I thought that you wanted to live’. The boy smiled and said ‘ well the smartest man in the world just took my backpack’.

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‘I’m not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?’ —- Emo Philips

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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’ The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

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Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

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Why do Irish men wear three condoms?
To be sure. To be sure. To be sure.

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A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee’s pay.

She said, ‘My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month’s sick leave AND they paid the full premiums.’

‘I can’t help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits,’ the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, ‘The company went bankrupt.’

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‘Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.’ -Bertrand Russell

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‘I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father doesn’t even want to sleep with my mother.’ —Dennis Wolfberg

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A bank robber walks into a bank with a loaded shot gun and robs it. On his way out he stops in front of a customer and says to him ‘Did you see me rob this bank’ The customer replies ‘yes sir I certainly did’ and the bank robber shoots him dead.

The robber then turns to a couple standing there and says to the man ‘Did you see me rob this bank?’

The man replies ‘No I did not see you rob this bank but my wife did.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

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As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings.

“My brother takes karate lessons,” bragged one.

“My sister takes gymnastics,” said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, “My sister takes antibiotics!”

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“I just received this and thought I’d better forward it straight away. I’m not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday”.

“I walked into Bunning’s hardware at lunchtime, wandered down the timber aisle and some old fart dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first half dozen punches in and sorted the blighter out”.

“Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Spread this warning on to all your friends”.

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Sally told her friend, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”

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“The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.” -P. J. O’Rourke

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Why is it, that whenever someone says there’s a million stars in the galexy alone, they always believe you. But whenever you say there’s wet paint, they always have to test it to make sure.

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A boy was in class one day when his teacher asked him to tell him what shin meant. The boy said ” well in my house, a shin is a device for finding furniture”.

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Americans have different ways of saying things. They say “elevator”. we say “lift”… they say “president”, we say “stupid psychopathic git.”…

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“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” -Jeff Valdez

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“For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ he’s only speaking to the groom.” -David Gunter

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I have to relate a true story as real life stories are the funniest. I went to visit my 80 year old mother in the nursing home recently and she was concerned and annoyed there was a fly constantly hovering around her, so I said don’t worry it will be dead in three days. Her reply “yeh, well I saw it having sex this morning so there’s going to be more”

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I used to be part of a barbershop quartet, but we never went anywhere because there were only two of us!

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This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, “What’ll ya have?” The seal says, “Anything but a Canadian club.”

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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

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A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister.

We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”

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I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

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Did you hear what happened to the butcher? He backed into a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.

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A clown is like an asprin, except he works twice as fast – Groucho Marx

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During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby…and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “Damn! And all these years I’ve been chewing gum.”

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After mass the priest noticed that Mary was sobbing. He gently put his hand on Mary’s shoulder and asked, “What’s wrong, Mary? Maybe we can help you.” She looked up and said, “My Frank is dead, Father. He died last night.” “Did he have any last requests,” the priest asked. “Yes he did,” Mary replied. He said, “Mary, please put that gun down.”

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An oldie but a goodie

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said, You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

His eyes lit up and he thought, ‘This is my lucky day.’ Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, ‘What was that all about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’

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“Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages” –Dave Barry

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

“The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” —George Deukmejian

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TODAY’S STOCK MARKET RESULTS

They are as follows. . .

• Helium was up, feathers were down.
• Paper was stationery.
• Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
• Knives were up sharply.
• Cows steered into a bull market.
• Pencils lost a few points.
• Weights were up in heavy trading.
• Light switches were off.
• Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
• Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
• The market for raisins dried up.
• Caterpillar stock inched up a bit Balloon prices were inflated.
• And Scott Toilet Tissue touched a new bottom

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How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hey! Who wants to rides bikes!

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“Happy Leap Year! When President Bush heard that he said, ‘Remember to turn your clocks ahead one year people!’” -Jay Leno

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A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled “COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS.”

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered ‘no.’

“Then why are you checking it out?”

“Because,” said the little boy confidently, “I just started collecting moths last month!”

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Preparing for a family holiday, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, “Are we there yet?”

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up, “Is it dark yet?”

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“As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we’d make sand sculptures of n a k ed women. It was tricky though, cause we didn’t know what naked women looked like. I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. I was 24 before I saw a woman with her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone.” -Craig Ferguson

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“Today was actually a very lucky day for me. I woke up this morning, and I got an unbelievable e-mail. Apparently, a Nigerian prince left me $47 million. And all I have to do to claim it, is pay a $500 filing fee. So you won’t have me to kick around anymore.” -Jimmy Kimmel

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Doug asks, “I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?”

Bill says, “I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear.

Then I’ll say, “Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember…I don’t mind going back to prison.”

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HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

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A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend. “I’m really depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I’m always bored, I feel listless and I am always tired.” “Why not go see a psychiatrist?” suggested the friend. “Well, I would,” said the Bassett Hound, “except that I’m not allowed on the couch.

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“It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure.

“Explain that statement!” demanded the Judge.

“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman — so I showed her.”

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Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”

Murphy asked, “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!”

The manager said, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed.”

Murphy then asked, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

The manager replied, “Well, the American put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”