The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Some petrol jokes…

Jay Leno: "After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts … regular, premium, and unleaded."

 

I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.

 

All in favor of conserving petrol, please raise your right foot.

 

I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, "Wife and 2 Cars to Feed."

 

For our holiday this summer, we’re thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.

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A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said… "Quit your complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"

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I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

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A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

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A woman calls her lawyer and asks… "With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."

"And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

"Neither," says the women. "I just want to know if I can sue Fosters for all the ugly men I’ve slept with."

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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ he said, ‘How much will you charge me?’

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?’

He responded, ‘That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?’

The wife replied, ‘You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.’

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. ‘You’re finished already?’ the startled husband asked.

‘Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.’

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

‘And by the way, ‘ the blonde added,

‘ it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.’

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The Archbishop of Canterbury has finally got his way . . ..

British weather has been declared Muslim . . .

It’s partly Sunni, but mostly Shi’ite.

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"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." –Gene Perret.

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A Sheriff ambles in to the local saloon & says. ‘I’m lookin’ frrr the Brown Paper Bandit’. The saloon owner asks ‘What does he look like?’ ‘He’s got a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, brown paper clothes & a brown paper horse’ The Saloon Owner asks ‘What’s he wanted frrr? The Sherrif replies ‘Rustlin’

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you’re 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

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‘Housework’ ‘I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible…

‘Aging’ ‘Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

My husband seems to feel one should get their money’s worth on vacation. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to frolic every minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day – and you sit there reading a book!"

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The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

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Two Indians injected themselves with curry powder by mistake. They are both in intensive care, One has a dodgy Tikka, and the other is still in a Korma.

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Robert Mugabe was asked when he’s going to bid the Zimbabwean people farewell.

Looking puzzled, he answered. ”Where are they going?”

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Sean and Paddy are walking past the timber yard. There is a sign on the fence that reads "TREE WORKERS WANTED".

Sean turns to Paddy and says, "Sure ‘n it’s a pity Michael isn’t here….we could have applied!"

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A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate im- mediately.

One of these phones had a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"

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Did you hear that Charlton Heston’s funeral is likely to be bigger than Ben Hur?

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The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining customers, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Cindy!" whispered the girl lying beside her… "This is a stick-up not an office party."

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"Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arrising from contem- plating the misery of another." –Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

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I was just thinking – if Peter Jackson made yet another Lord of The Rings movie, would it be because he needed the money, or just farce of hobbit?

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A Scotsman and his wife were on honeymoon in Canada , they decided to visit an Indian reservation. In the middle of the reservation there was a tepee with a sign advertising a memory man. The sign read "The amazing memory man knows everything and forgets nothing ". The Scotsman decides to try this out and steps inside. He greets the young Brave "How ".

The brave points to a jar full of $20 bills and says "If you ask me a question I can’t answer you get the jar. If I answer it you put $20 in the jar ". The Scotsman figures he can beat him and asks "Who won the Scottish FA cup in 1878? " The Indian thinks for a minute and says "Vale of Leven beat Third Lanark 1-0 ". The Scotsman is truly amazed at this correct answer and pops his 20 bucks in the jar.

The couple return to Scotland and live a full and happy life for 50 years. For their golden wedding celebrations they decide to retrace their tour of Canada . After visiting their relatives they once again end up at the reservation. They are amazed to see that the tepee of the memory man is still there. "Wonder if he will remember me? " says the Scotsman.

So he goes into the tepee and says "How ".

The Indian replies "Penalty in the 52nd minute "

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My Father always said…"Money can’t buy you friends……but, you get a much better class of enemy!!"

As opposed to my Grandfather who always said….." You can’t buy love….but, with enough money….you can rent it for as long as you need it..!!"

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You may enjoy this true story:

Two friends of ours were returning to Invercargill from their holiday house on the shore of Paterson Inlet, Stewart Island. This involved a trip down the Inlet in their rigid inflatable boat (RIB) before catching the ferry across Foveaux Strait. Paterson Inlet can get quite choppy and on this occasion it was.

On board the RIB were Pete and Liz (names have been changed) and their dog. The dinghy lurched and caught both Liz and the dog off guard. Both tumbled over the side (one port, one starboard).

So – the moral dilemma – who should Pete pick up first? Which was his first priority, his wife or the dog? Who is man’s best friend – his wife, or his dog?

Pete picked up the dog first. Liz had a life jacket, the dog didn’t. It took a little while for Liz to see it that way, though….

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This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?"

Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.

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An inflatable boy goes to his inflatable school with a pin. Later that day in the office the headmaster says to him. “I am very disappointed with you, you’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down but most of all you’ve let yourself down”

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One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that’s so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about about him?"

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Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is for washing our hair."

The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer. "Here you go, sister," she said, "don’t forget the curlers."

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Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don’t you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it."

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

English	Chinese
That’s not right!	Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive?	Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP	Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man	Dum Fuk
Small Horse	Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?	Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table!	Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift!	Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here!	Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet!	Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone!	No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week!	Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight	Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile	Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive	Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great	Fa Kin Su Pa

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?’"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘Oh wow, no way! What happened next?’

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"A new article in ‘Newsweek’ is out talking about what it’s like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who’s an atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don’t know why." -Jay Leno

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I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack.

"Where’s your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I’ll see."

Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An sharp yell came from above.

Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she’s in the shower."

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"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called ‘Intimately Beckham.’ Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot." -Craig Ferguson

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My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a bloke in one of the branches who had this question:

‘I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire in the main frame?’

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Well, you see things differently when you go to live in a retirement village. One woman said to another, "I am having an affair."

The second one asked, "Who is catering?"

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A walker noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Twenty-four," she replied.

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"The Clintons released their tax returns. Over the past eight years, they have donated over $10 million to charity. When they asked Bill Clinton why he gave so much money to charity, he said, ‘She’s a really good dancer.’" -Conan O’Brien

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A blonde was weed-eating her yard and Accidentally cut off the tail of her cat Which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to Woolworths

Why Woolworths?

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

Woolworths is the largest re-tailer in Australia !!!

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"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex- boyfriend."

"I know, but I don’t hold any grudges."

"I’m surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she’s Jennifer Lopez’s double." "Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn’t lie. She’s twice her weight and twice her age."

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Irish jokes

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words. Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the surgery’s waiting room. ‘I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I’d hate to feel like this if I was well!’

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Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects. ‘He’s got a great tan,’ Mrs Doolan from next door mused. ‘The holiday did him the world of good.’ And he looks so calm and serene,’ said Mrs McGuiness. ‘That’s because he died in his sleep.’ explained Mrs Murphy, ‘and he doesn’t know he’s dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!’

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‘Your glass is empty O`Flaherty, will you be having another?’ ‘And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?’ Replied O`Flaherty.

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Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding. ‘Are ya dead?’ cried Gallager from above ‘To be sure I am,’ replied Murphy. ‘You are such a liar Murphy that I don’t know whether to believe you or not!’ called Gallagher. ‘That proves I’m dead,’ said Murphy’s voice from the rubble below, ‘because if I was alive you wouldn’t be game to call me a liar!’

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Dublin’s contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question. ‘First, what’s your name and occupation?’ The compere asked ‘Pass’, came the reply.

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Paddy: ‘If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them.’ ‘Three?’ suggested Shaun.

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On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub. The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle. ‘What’s it for?’ asked Paddy. ‘It’s for a poor widow with 13 kids.’ said the barman. Paddy shook his head, ‘No good for me. I’d never be able to keep them.’

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A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child ‘Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?’

Becky replies ‘ I have been playing in the sand box’

‘Very good’ says the teacher ‘if you can spell ‘sand’ on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit’

Becky duly goes and writes ‘s a n d’ on the blackboard.

‘Very good’ says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says ‘Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?’

Freddie replies ‘playing with Becky in the sand box’

‘Very good’ says the teacher. ‘ If you can spell ‘box’ on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit’

Freddie duly goes and writes ‘b o x’ on the blackboard.

‘Very good’ says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says ‘Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?’

‘No’ replies Mohammed, ‘I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names’

‘Oh dear’ says the teacher. ‘That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me – I tell you what, if you can spell ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I will give you a biscuit’.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

“The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for supper and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator.” –Bill Lawrence

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Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, “Let’s all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position.”

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The market

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

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I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself :

“These idiots have lost the plot.”

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Drunk guy: “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!”

Drunk girl: “What’s that mean?”

Drunk guy: “It’s an Irish toast.”

Drunk girl: “Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”

Drunk guy: “Huh?”

Drunk girl: “That’s French toast.”

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Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.

“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.” When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” The Irishman nodded…”I’ll tell you though, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from all the bloooody skippin”, the Irishman said.

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More Home Truths

1. You cannot physically lick the tip of your elbow with your tongue – no matter HOW hard you try.
2. Approximately 95% of people, after being told the above fact – will (while you aren’t looking) TRY to lick the tip of their elbow!

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The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative.

Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: “Customer is looking for two song titles: ‘Shovel Off Two Buffaloes’ and ‘Honey, Suck a Rose.’”

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Three women, one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S & M style, stiletto’s and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged girlfriend: “The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: “You are the woman of my life, I love you”…then we made love all night long.”

The mistress: “Ah! me too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat… he did not say anything…..but we made wild love all night”

The married one: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes….my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says…

“Hi Batman, what’s for dinner?”

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Sean says to Murphy “Ha ha Murphy, caught you out last night, you left your bedroom curtains open and I saw you making love to your wife.

Murphy says to Sean “Ha ha yourself Sean, the jokes on you, I wasn’t home last night”.

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Did you hear about the man that drowned in his meusli? A strong currant pulled him in.

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This is something that my father says. I thought it may be good to add to the Friday funnies.

“Being rich may not make you happy, but at least you can buy your own brand of misery.”