The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Out driving the other day, my husband and I passed an A-frame sign which was advertising the local psychic meeting being held just down the road. I said to my husband ‘Why do they need to advertise that, if they were any good, they wouldn’t need it.’

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My four-year-old, obviously well brought up granddaughter was hanging out to get stuck into her dinner but politely asked Daddy if could start now please. ”If you wish,” he replied somewhat formally. Adelaide closed her eyes and crossed her fingers. ”I wish I could start eating, I wish I could start eating.”

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?’ ‘I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.’

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘
I have never heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘ Are you taking anything for it?’

‘Yes,’ the woman nodded. ‘Pepper.’

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"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
—A. L. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

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Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

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Thought I’d share this true story with you…

Recently my elderly Aunty and Uncle from Canada visited us her in New Zealand and we had a family dinner to catch up with them. My mother introduced Uncle Hamish to my 7 year old son Kerrin, she told Kerrin that Uncle Hamish talked a bit different as he had what was called an accent (a strong one at that).

A while later I was outside throwing a ball around with Kerrin when he said to me "Uncle Hamish talks funny doesn’t he dad" To which I responded "Yes, that is his accent Nan told you about"

Kerrin then said "Yeah, it’s like he’s Chinese but he’s not"

I couldn’t stop laughing!

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Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her… so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt..so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy… "

And here I am.

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Two young men from Glasgow, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding .

"Och, it’s all going like magic," says Jock. "I’ve got everything organized already – the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night….."

Archie nods approvingly. "Man, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!"

Continues Jock, "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?"

"Oh," says Jock, "I’d imagine she’ll be in white."

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"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
–George Bernard Shaw

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I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I’ll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I’m not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don’t," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care?"

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Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house.
The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there…

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An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.

"Two men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?"

The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you. Akshay will be the lucky one."

My 12,000ft Skydive

NOTE: View photos and video at the bottom of this page

Today I was lumped with the job of looking after six media delegates from around the world on a trip out to the Rotorua Airport for a complementary Skydive with N-Zone while they were in town for TRENZ ’08. A bit out of the usual job description for a humble Web Development Co-ordinator at Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing, but I was up for the challenge, and I thought it would be a good chance to spend a nice autumn day outside.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Two funnies form my teaching days.

“The knife was conceived in his swag.” ….. English Lesson and

"Oh, accouchement leave is when you’re leaving to have a baby? Is that why we say ‘couchie, couchie, coo’ to babies?" …… Maternity Leave farewell comment from one of my Year 9 students -

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True story.

Tea break discussion at a local accountants office: the upcoming shortest day. Blonde question: how does it come to be the shortest day?

Group answer: because we’re kinda tilted away form the sun and don’t get as much.

Blonde question: but how much shorter than a normal 24 hour day is it?

Followed shortly after by much laughter, light dawning, and a confession that the next question was going to be "and how does my alarm clock know?"

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I had to share this true story…

I teach year twelve English. I gave each of my students a pad of sticky notes to use in their novels, and after a week one of my students put up her hand to tell me that her sticky note pad was faulty.

Apparently she would write a note and then find that the adhesive was on the same side. She requested a replacement pad that had not been made upside down…

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Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who’s been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who’s been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "Good grief! – how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first – it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house – it was Momma Bear who made the coffee -

it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, & put everything away- it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper – it was Momma Bear who set the table -

it was Momma Bear who put the blasted cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s food & water dish AND, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs to grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence — listengood, cause I’m only going to say this one more time…..

I HAVEN’T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!"

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After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart- ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.

"Father’s date of birth?" she asked.

When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?"

"No, I hadn’t thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

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Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet…

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush.. .

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Friendship between women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, 8 of whom confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said that he was still there.

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A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to long life was sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning.

The grandson did so religiously and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 93.

When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a five metre hole ion the wall of the crematorium

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Gaye has let us know about a great idea they are using at their doctors surgery…

Love Friday funnies and our favourite “magazine” in the waiting room (doctors surgery) are 2 large folders full of all sorts of jokes and stories. One folder politically correct and the other marked “a little bit naughty”.
Patients almost fight over them. I am thinking of doing one for kids.

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"According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman
11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time the average woman is aroused the guy’s been asleep for nine minutes." -Jay Leno

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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I couldn’t please any of them.

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"Happy birthday to Cher. She turns 62 today. Her breasts, of course, are only 23." -Craig Ferguson

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Jimmy: ‘Hey, Mike! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.’

Mike: ‘To tell the truth, I’m really disappointed in him.
The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.’

Jimmy: ‘What? Let me get this straight… You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?’

Mike: ‘Well, yeah. After all, you know, he’s a parrot fish.’

Jimmy: ‘Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.’

Mike: ‘That’s what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he’s terribly off-key and it’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?’

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I thought you might like to hear this one. This is a true storey that has been passed on to me.

A group of special needs children where taken on an outing to an aquatic centre (Kelly Tarltons in Auckland). One of the children became separated from the group and when he was found he was quite wet. Because the child had speech and hearing difficulties the caregivers couldn’t find out what had happened to him.

They put all the children on the bus and returned to their home town a couple of hours away. On disembarking the little boys backpack was noted to be damp as well so they opened it up only to find a honest to goodness live penguin inside. The staff promptly rung the aquatic centre to explain what had happened but were quite puzzled when the lady on the other end said “ oh that’s all right it happens all the time. I will just send you a courier ticket and you can pop it in the post”.

The ladies tone changed very rapidly when they explained it was a live penguin in the bag. Needless to say they had two keepers on their doorstep 2 hours later to pick the poor bird up.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?”

“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”

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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asks feebly?

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

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One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. “It’s a boy,”
she announced, “six feet tall, 178 pounds!”

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A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

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My mother had us in stitches on Mother’s Day. She told us the tale of a 96 year-old gentleman who goes to her oil painting classes . Recently, he was finally talked into moving into a retirement unit by his son. A couple of weeks later he returned to his son’s home in a taxi. When asked why he had left he admitted that the food was good but the place was full of boring, old people!

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Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, “Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn’t he?”

The other replied, “He ought to; he hasn’t had a drink in three days.”

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“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” –Ira Gassen

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A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”

“Wow,” said Banker Bill, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked Banker Bill.

“I don’t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint.”

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A husband and wife came for counselling after 40 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. “

She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”

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It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “My God; the cook’s working for the Germans!”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Have you heard that a committee in Canberra has suggested naming the surrounds of The Lodge "The Kipling Gardens". Apparently this is because it’s now Rudd’s yard.

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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a idiot. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age

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Our twenty-two-year-old son, who moved out last year, came to visit his father and I for the evening. He was looking around and smiling, so I asked if he missed living with us at all. "Oh, no," he replied,"I was just going to congratulate you on keeping the place so tidy these days!

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I’ll go right away Father. Do ya ‘think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya Tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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Tom and James came into my classroom very annoyed with each other. I asked what the matter was and Tom complained bitterly that James had sworn at him. James, with great indignation, said that he hadn’t. Accusations of, "Did!", "Didn’t!" flew too and fro. Finally I asked what had actually been said. Tom replied that James had used the ‘F’ word. They set too again, "No I didn’t!", "Yes you did!" with increasing animosity, until Tom finally exploded, "Yes you did, you called me ‘Fathead’!"

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‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

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Here’s a quickie:

At the recent Irish Sheep Dog Trials, only 6 were found guilty.

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"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."

-Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal’s TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"

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Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I’m sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul…and all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies’ tees!"

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I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.

Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money. After the transaction is completed she asks the teller

"Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money; today I only get hunat eighty?" The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly … "fluctuations". The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says …

"fluc you Aussies too"

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The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.

The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie — you might at least stop while I’m talking!"

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"At the recent big consumer electronics show, in Las Vegas, Apple unveiled their first combination ipod and cell phone. They say their goal is to create the most annoying person ever to sit behind you in a movie theater." –Jay Leno

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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What’s wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it’s a wonderful gesture."

"We hadn’t started eating yet."