The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin

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"A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong."
—Milton Berle

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I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

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Teenager Daughter Owner’s Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner’s Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:

1. look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
2. refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
3. Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

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A grade 2 teacher was teaching her students about probability. She had a masking tape line on the classroom floor with ‘likely’ at one end, and ‘impossible’ at the other. When she made a statement, the students had to stand on an appropriate place on the line. "I will see a flying pig today" had one child on "impossible" and another dithering between that and "unlikely". The teacher tried some open-ended questioning- "What would a pig need to fly?"

The answer- "A cape?"

True story, and tired teachers in week 11 of a 12 week term fell about laughing in our meeting last night.

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!"

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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. ‘She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’

Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’ ‘An arm and a leg.’

Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib ?

Of course the rest is history….. …….!! !!

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When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!"

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A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell"
assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A resourceful pooch is on the run in northern England after using a trampoline to catapult himself out of his fenced yard. Harvey, a squat Staffordshire bull terrier, apparently bounced his way to freedom after being unable to make it over the fence of his family’s yard in York.

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Pilot: “Have you ever flown in a small plane before?”

Passenger: “No, I have not.”

Pilot: “Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears popping.”

Pilot (after the plane landed): “Did the gum help?”

Passenger: “Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.”

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Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you’re at a big, high-class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

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I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

“Now,” she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”

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I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, “What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?”

“Morning Sickness.”

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An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said.
“Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!!!”

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When insults had class

• “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” Winston Churchill
• “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
• “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” Groucho Marx
• “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” Oscar Wilde
• “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” John Bright
• “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” Irvin S. Cobb
• “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” Samuel Johnson
• “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Paul Keating
• “He had delusions of adequacy.” Walter Kerr
• “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” Mae West

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Our local paper runs a popular column called “10 Questions”that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, “What’s the ‘strangest’ thing you ever bought?”

She answered, “Dog toothpaste.”

Next question, “What is the ‘most common’ thing people say to you?”

Her answer: “Where did you get such white teeth?”

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, Teach a person to use the Internet And they won’t bother you for weeks

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Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, “I don’t know about this. We’ve been out here all day and haven’t caught a single duck. Do you think we’re doing something wrong?”

“I don’t know,” replied the other. “Maybe we’re not throwing the dog high enough.”

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During a history lesson on the French Revolution an inattentive young lad was asked by his teacher if knew the nationality of Napoleon Bonaparte. Without thinking the boy answered “Course I Can”.

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One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me, “Well, did he?”

“Did he what?”

“Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?” she asked.

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “I believe it’s Wedding Cake?”

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Here is a funny story from me, well it was when my 3 year old granddaughter told it.

Both grandchildren sitting at the dinner table, 5 yr old grandson told mum that he had pins and needles in his hand, she told him to give it a shake and they would disappear.

3 year old granddaughter was also at the table and taking too long to eat her dinner, mum told her to hurry up but her reply was “I can’t I have peas and beans in my hands”, I think she meant pins and needles like her brother.
Needless to say my daughter and I were laughing so much we were crying.

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Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, “These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst….my wife came home with no panties!!”

That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said…..”From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

This was so cute I had to share it…. I was explaining to my class of Australian six-year-olds that we wouldn’t be returning to school until Tuesday because of the Queen’s Birthday long weekend. They looked blank. I told them I meant the queen of England. Still blank. She is Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles’s mother and we are having a day off to remember her birthday, I added hopefully.

At last one little girl put up her hand with a smile. “So are you going to her party?” she asked.

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These were results for an Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition. You’ll need to be an Aussie to understand.

• billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
• bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work but is kept as a pet. (this one’s gotta be the winner!)
• dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.
• fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.
• flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.
• yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.
• bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
• shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep
• technicolour lawn: the front yard after a rave party

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My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. “I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”

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Some years ago our family was showing our new puppy to the grandparents. Grandad (whose nickname was Gaa-Gaa) remarked that the puppy looked like she had a bit of whippet in her. He also said he used to race greyhounds. My four year old who was running around the car at great speed then asked “Did you beat them, Gaa-gaa?

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I’ve noticed a number of real-life experiences in the Friday funnies lately, so here’s one you may consider. Early in the year, a new Year One student who was immaculately dressed, with flowing blonde curls and the biggest blue eyes, was sent to me with a note stating that she had spoken ‘inappropriately’. Often when notes are couched in this way, I am reticent to ask the student what they actually said, however on this occasion her look of demure innocence led me to take the risk.

Eye’s lowered, she replied, ‘I said ‘Shut-up’. With some relief I gave a sad though severe look, stating, ‘Oh dear, that’s not very nice is it?’

With some affront, she looked me straight in the eye and replied, ‘But I didn’t say s h i t’.

Guess I’d better go back to not asking.

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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise.’ The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. ‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. ‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you did you order?’ The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’ You’re going to love this………………

‘Ah! So solly,’says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’

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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

“And what will your third wish be?”

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”

“Sheesh! I wish you’d make up your mind,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “That was your first wish, too!”

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“I think it’s finally starting to sink in to Hillary that she didn’t get it. Today she went down to Ikea because she realized this was her only chance she was going to have to put together her own cabinet.” -Jay Leno

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Invented by a four year old beginning comedian

Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. To get to the bottom

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My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he crowed, “I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath.”

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, “When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest.”

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“Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had what they called a secret meeting. One of the topics rumored to be discussed is Hillary’s $20 million campaign debt. Obama may help her cover some of that. Today she outlined a plan for recouping that money: She plans on marrying, then divorcing, Paul McCartney.” -Jimmy Kimmel

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A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, “Man, what a rip off!. It was all over in four minutes!”

The wife replies, “Now you know how I feel.”

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the Night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not Be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.’ Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Shoite’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘Shoite, Shoite!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No fockin’ way’.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed.’

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says ‘Fock it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?’.

Paddy says, ‘I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?’

‘Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?’

‘What dear?’ She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you’re bad luck, bugger off!’

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The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?”

“Oh, yes” the mother answered. “They do wonders for me.”

“And how is your son now?” he asked.

She replied, “Who cares…”

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I prefer to describe myself as a “Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer” because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides….”stalker” is such an ugly word.

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I recently passed a convoy(of 3) septic tankers. Their personalized number plates read Peepee, Weewee and Poopoo. Someone who owned the business had a sense of humor.

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A guy meets a childhood pal. “What are you doing for your- self these days?”

“I’m a fireman,” his old friend replies.

“Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman,” says the guy.

“Well,” says his friend, “if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

“Well, did your son become a fireman?”

“No,” moans the guy, “but my daughter is a stripper.”

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"Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.” —Robert Heinlein

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-A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, “Excuse me, but if it’s not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?”

Our good samaritan replied, “Just a minute.” He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, “Yes, I can see you fine!”

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Random thoughts

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you in a movie, but you’re on TV?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”, calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice boobs,” says the man, “Where do you want the blinds?”

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“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” –Aesop

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I met an older woman at a club last night.

This isn’t usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear.

She asked me if I’d ever had a sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter 3-some?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: “Mom, you still awake?”

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An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.

There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out ‘My God, I know who that man is. It’s Jesus!’

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, ‘Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?’

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

‘Yes, I am Jesus’ he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him ‘I’d like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.’

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, ‘Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?’

Jesus smiles and says, ‘Yes, I am Jesus.’

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus.

This the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, ‘Oi, you! D’ya reckon you’re Jesus, or what?’

Jesus nods and says, ‘Yes, I am Jesus.’

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Schooner of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement

‘Oh God, the arthritis is gone,’ he says. ‘The arthritis I’ve had for years is gone. It’s a miracle!’

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman’s eyes widen in shock.

‘By Jove’, he exclaims, ‘The migraine I’ve had for over 40 years is completely gone. It’s a Miracle!’ Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers. ‘P!ss off mate, I’m on Workers Comp’