Jul 31
Touche 
Jul 25
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, ‘You must be a dentist.’
The guy, surprised, says, ‘Yes…. How did you figure that out?’
‘Easy,’ she replied, ‘you keep washing your hands.’
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, ‘You must be a good dentist.’
The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, ‘Sure, I’m a good dentist, how did you figure that out?’
‘I didn’t feel a thing.’
Had a funny incident happen at the movies the other day.
I went to see Mama Mia and sat in front of three young girls about 16yrs old. The were fine, chatted a bit and made a few comic comments but towards the end as Colin Firth is taking his shirt off in one of the scenes and I am having flash backs to Mr Darcy, I hear from the girls behind me ‘ew gross’. It made me laugh out loud!!
Wish I could think so quickly.
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, ‘Are all of those kids yours?’
He replied,’No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.’
A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.
"I’m really depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I’m always bored, I feel listless and I am always tired."
"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.
"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I’m not allowed on the couch.
This is a true story:
My 5yo niece wanted to watch a movie advertised on TV that was rated M. She asked why she couldn’t watch it when told it was for adults only. Her grandfather said it might have sex and violence in it. She said that would be OK. When asked if she knew what they meant, she replied with, "Sex is when you look all sexy, and violence smells nice (she meant ‘Violets’).
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I’ll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Q ,What do you call a Muslim that fly’s an airplane ?
A. A pilot
The Cowgirl went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being "well endowed".
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don’t be flattered," she said, "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks . . . "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What’s the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy but…I have the breasts of an 18 year old.
"The husband replies . . . "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’ ‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently…… ….but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’
The bloke perks up at this.
‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’
‘I have.’ says the fellow.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’
‘She has’ says the bloke.
‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . .
‘We’re having a new kitchen.
"My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’" -Thomas Friedman
Jul 18
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.
As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, ‘What’s this?’ It’s a Lion,’ the boy replied. ‘That’s good,’ said Grandfather. ‘And what’s this in the next one?’ ‘Its tiger’ replied the boy.
‘Well done,’ said Grandfather ‘you’re so clever. And what’s the big one over there.’ ‘It’s a fricking elephant.’ Said the boy gleefully. ‘What did you say,’ queried the Grandfather? ‘A fricking elephant,’ he repeated. ‘And where did you learn that?’ asked Grandfather sternly. ‘Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’
the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken!
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish city office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a cent to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army ?’
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, ‘Uh… no, I didn’t know that.’
‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘my brother, a disabled Vietnam veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and their six children.’
The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. ‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’
The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’
And the lawyer says, ‘So…if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?
While watching a movie recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
‘Excuse me,’ I said, ‘I can’t hear.’
‘I should hope not,’ she replied sharply. ‘This is a private conversation.’
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’ Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……
……. . . .
“Bug gers won’t let me far t.’
‘According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.’ -Jay Leno
Funny things are all around us……….
I was standing in a shopping centre and a young dad walked past me with a toddler in a trolley. The toddler was earnestly trying to tell him something important but it just came out as babble. The dad stopped walking, looked straight at the little guy and said ‘I’m sorry mate but I don’t speak Swahili!’
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO…..,’ answered the blond. ‘They’re watch dogs!’
Two guys are in a bar talking.
‘I fought over a girl last night.’
‘Oh, yeah? With whom?’
‘With my wife.’
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tam pons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’ ‘Eight,’the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me.
They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either one.’
Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he’d tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the ‘Irish Times Newspaper’
said…………………
“OYSTERS KILL PATRICK”
My Pop is so forgetful he once spent three hours in a grandfather clock trying to make a phone call.
Jul 15
Reporter flips out 
Heard this on Keith and the Girl, funny as ever…
A nice well spoken african-american television reporter flips out after a bug flies into his mouth. He quickly turns ghetto and lets lose while the camera man continues to record and laughs at him.
httpv://nz.youtube.com/watch?v=Xp9WtTi4TaA
Jul 15
Joshua snoring loudly 
This is an audio clip I extracted from some video Kim took of Joshua today while he was having his daytime sleep.
It definitely seams like a few of his grand parents traits are well ingrained into Joshua now.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Reminds me of my parents snoring chorus they once performed…
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Adrian Hodge
About
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
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