The Fabulous Friday Funnies
A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. ‘You are all part of our team now’, said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. ‘You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees’.
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, ‘You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?’
The cannibals all shook their heads indicating ‘no’.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, ‘Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?’
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, ‘You fool!!!!! For four weeks we’ve been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!!!!
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No!’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ ‘Yes!’ she replied. Then I said, ‘I’d like to phone a friend.’ That’s the last thing I remember.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left chest and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
"Be alert…the world needs more lerts." — Anonymous
"Be aloof – the world has enough lerts." – Denise
Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.’
Ian says to his pal, ‘Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.’
Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’
‘No worries,’ smiled Craig, ‘I’ll keep my mouth shut.’
They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’
The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand, aren’t you?’
‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’
The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’ The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is’.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an ugly, fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them Into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the Numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son…..’Go get your mother.’
"I’m not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" –Emo Philips
You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They call him "Doctor". –Abe Lemons
"The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you’re interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."–Amy Poehler
"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be- tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that?
President Bush commented on this today, he said, ‘Why do we need our kids to find the U.S. on a map? They’re already here.’" -Jay Leno
Paddy met Mick in the street and said,’Paddy, in future you should draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife !’
‘And why would I be doing that?’ Paddy asked. ‘Because,’
said Mick, ‘all the street was Sniggering when they saw you two making love all yesterday.’
Mick said, ‘Nosey bug gers, anyway, the laugh’s on them. I wasn’t home yesterday.’
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It’s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!"
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with a lucky foot." –Jay Leno
Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.
She said to her mother, "I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."
Her mother shrugged and said, "Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right.
Just look how much he loves his mother."
