52 things you would love to say out loud at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a sh*t.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different………
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what’s behind door ……….1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute – I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren’t you a black hole of need.
42. I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand………then place it over your mouth.
46. I’m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don’t let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You’re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. You are as pretty as a picture, I’d really like to hang you.
51. Don’t believe everything you think.
52. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of no-one caring. 

Proper English

English Signs from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I’m going to a lecture."

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife."

---

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.

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An oldie but a goodie

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

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A follow up from last week’s idea about returning junk mail from Kevin

An even better use of "reply paid" envelopes from the junk mail people – wrap up two house bricks and paste the reply paid envelope to the package – you will not get any more junk mail from that company !!!!!

I know it works from experience.

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True story

I was minding my 7 year old grandson at his house for a week. I asked him if emptying the dishwasher was part of his jobs for pocket money.

He looked up at me in horror and said "No way, they only gave me an extra 50c for doing the dishwasher, so I quit. I did start again when they offered me a $1 but it still wasn’t enough so I quit again and don’t do it now."…………. A Union Delegate in the making perhaps?

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These fit so well they should be in a dictionary!!

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

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Another oldie but goodie

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping …….

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Try these on your young children…

Q: What did the farmer say when he saw his cows coming over the hill?

A: "Here come my cows coming over the hill."

 

Q: What did the farmer say when he saw the cows coming over the hill wearing sun glasses?

A: He didn’t say a thing. He didn’t recognize them.

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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. ‘It’s a period,’ he replied. ‘I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?

‘Darned if I know,’ he said, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.’

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I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?" I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what’s in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It’s wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I’m very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and
- poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!… the husband became 92 years old.

---

I called the local newspaper’s classified section to complain about an ad I’d placed.

It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.

"I said ‘ewes,’" I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale – USED."

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Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite.

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"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.’" –Kathleen Madigan

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Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Brisbane.
His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?" his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn’t know planes had parents."

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Blonde Cookbook

It’s fun to cook for Steve. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Steve wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Steve brought a friend home for dinner.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Steve did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Steve keeps counting to ten.

Steve’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius..
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week!
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Steve. If I can talk Steve into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

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In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as Muslim Weather.

In other words – partly Sunni, but mostly Shi’ite.

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked. ‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’she replied.

‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’

Three days later he was watching the football on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’

She replied…….’Your horse just phoned ‘

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The Age Odd Spot – Friday 12th Sept

The Democratic Republic of Congo’s deputy justice minister has ordered a Kinhasa jail to release a dozen goats that were due to appear in court on charges of being sold illegally. The minister said police had serious gaps in their knowledge and would be sent for retraining.

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Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What’s this?" she asked.

"It’s a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It’s for holding up stockings."

"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we’ll use it next Christmas Eve."

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From Audrene Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car. Paddy ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken’

Operator ‘What is your location sir?’ Paddy ‘Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street’

Operator ‘How do you spell that sir?’ Silence.

After a minute:- Operator ‘Are you there sir?’ Silence.

A minute later:- Operator ‘Sir, can you hear me!!?’

This goes on for another few minutes until:- Operator ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?’

Paddy ‘Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street’.

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True story: What works exceedingly well for junkmail: When you get junkmail with a "postage paid" return envelope, take all the other junkmail, stuff it into the envelope, as much as you can fit in, and mail the envelope!

36 Guidelines for Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
9. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.
14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
32. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
34. The one thing that unites all human beings regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are above average drivers.
35. Your friends love you anyway.