Fabulous Friday Funnies

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked. ‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’

Three days later he was watching the football on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’

She replied…….’Your horse just phoned ‘

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She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, ‘
Lord, they’re finally together.’ One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ‘ Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? ‘

The friend replied, ‘ I think he means her legs.’

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"The good thing about having a death wish is that you’re much more likely to get that wish than, say, the one about a lingerie-clad Nicole Kidman stopping by your apartment with beer and pizza." –Maurizio Mariotti

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"I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it would be empty with the economy the way it is. But it wasn’t. There were people everywhere. Turns out roulette is less risky than the stock market." -Craig Ferguson

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Stuck in traffic for what felt like eons, I couldn’t help but notice the license plate on the car in front of me. It read BAA BAA. I was clueless as to why they chose this — until I looked at the vehicle the plate was attached to: a black Jeep.

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On the credit crunch

1. How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
2. What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.
3. What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean? – A good start.
4. The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car’sbeen repossessed.
5. The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: ‘insufficient funds.’ Is it them or me?
6. A man went to his bank manager and said: ‘I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?’ ‘Simple,’ said the bank manager. ‘Buy a big one and wait.’
7. Everyone Says Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows onlyone word: ‘Goodbye.’
8. What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets.
9. A director decided to award a prize of $50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $10.

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"Wild horses couldn’t drag a secret out of a woman.
However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses." –Ivern Boyett

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Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You’re three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I’m a 27 handicap."

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News of John Darwin, the canoeist who faked his own death.
Apparently, he’s disappeared from prison! He was last seen in the gym….on the rowing machine.

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When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don’t worry," she said, "I’ll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

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President Bush is the first U.S. President to spend the night in Buckingham Palace, at the request of the royal family. As he was showing the President around, Prince Charles asked Bush if he wanted to see Big Ben, and Bush replied, "Whoa, there, fella. I’m from Texas; don’t try any of that funny stuff with me."

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For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a service station, a kebab shop or a take away.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

He said, ‘I found the remote’.

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,

"Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"

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25 percent of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these, 90 percent will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

Joshua’s bedroom in 360° with Photosynth™

A cool way to virtually explore Joshua’s new ‘Elmo’ themed bedroom using Microsoft’s new Photosynth technology.

To view the following you will be required the install the free Photosynth software. I would seriously recommend it, it’s really quite an amazing way to explore environments in 3D using nothing other than two dimensional photos.

Or view it on the Photosynth website here.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stock market quote of the week

“This is worse than a divorce… I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have my wife.”

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"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." —Mark Twain

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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, ‘I know what the Bible means!’ His father smiled and replied, ‘What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means? The son replied, ‘I do know!’

‘Okay,’ said his father. ‘What does the Bible mean?’
‘That’s easy, Daddy…’ the young boy replied excitedly, ‘
It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

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After 15 years of marriage a husband and wife went to a marriage counselor. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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A guy goes into the doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you’re not eating right."

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Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?"

The man said, "I’ll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I’d better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We’re gonna build a house."

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There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse."

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"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." —Demetri Martin

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"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kind of like being the guy on a date."—Caroline Rhea

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"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." —Dave Barry

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I’ve been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellas, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father’s mouth is agape.

"That was beautiful," said the dad.

The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn’t get into it and I should have faded it a little more."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son says "damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I’ve left a tricky little putt." After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven’t played much lately, and I’m a little rusty. "Maybe I’ll really get into this next drive."

Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde’s ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to the her.
"That’s a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The fortune teller looked up at her customer, sitting across the table.

‘There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.’

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

 

Will I get away with it?

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A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger with his wife. He says, “What the hell are you two doing?”

His wife turns to the stranger and says, “I told you he was stupid.”

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Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots’ hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various “hell rooms.”

“I’ll be right back–don’t go away,” said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain’s every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

“Okay, Mac,” said the devil, “Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?”

“Um, I want door number 3,” answered Mac.

“Sorry,” said the devil. “You can’t have door number 3. That’s flight attendants’ hell.”

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A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. “I told you that my last name is Sweady,” he said, “but you have it listed as Cyirwu.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” the phone company rep said. “I’ll fix it so it’ll be correct the next time we publish the directory. Now how do you spell your name?”

“Just like I told you before,” the customer said. “It’s S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u and Y as in you.”

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When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

“That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’” he said. “And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for about $798,000.”

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Then there was the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and the next morning found she was six months pregnant.

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I was thinking about what Patricia was saying about Australians having a very unique sense of humor and it reminded me of something one of my mates was telling me after coming back from China. He had gone to visit the Great Wall and at the start of the tour, the guide asked if anyone knew why the Great Wall was built, of course there were other Aussies there and someone popped up and said “Yes, to keep the rabbits out!”. The Aussies laughed and everyone else was dumbfounded. Apparently, that has become a frequent response if there are Aussies on the tour.

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A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

‘Then he’ll open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed.. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.’

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile’s open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his privates unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. ‘I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up………. ‘I’ll try it – just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle!’

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Some one-liners…

• Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
• Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.
• Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.
• Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, didn’t know where to shop.
• Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
• You’re not a complete idiot, there’re still some parts missing.
• Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

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Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con- tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in- volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker…”

“Oh,” the waitress interrupted. “Sorry about that.” She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”

“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”

“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter, “We added up your billable hours.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q. What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A. A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari.

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One American to another: "I had trouble with a cheque I wrote last week"

Second American: "Did it bounce?"

First American: "No, the bank did"

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Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, One load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have s e x.

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner, Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.

‘But what about afterwards?’ asked her friends.

Oh, that … Ralph was too tired.

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. ‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’

The Irishman nodded…’I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’

‘From hunger, you mean?’ ‘No, from blooudy skippin’, the Irishman said.

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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would resultin Linoleum Blownapart (and his probable retreat).
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nu dist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

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One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree.

Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don’t do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said.

When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

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A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: "Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That’s your father."

"Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

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"Canada could have had French culture, American know-how, and English government. Instead it got French government, English know-how, and American culture." –John Colombo

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"Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it." – Dave Letterman

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It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."

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A Catholic priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?"