The Fabulous Friday Funnies
In the sauna – TODAY
Enjoying a sauna can be your reward for having a decent workout and it’s worth taking the time to do this, to detoxify, relax and feel great! It’s also a FUN way to have a chat with others. You actually hear some priceless things like I heard TODAY between eight guys in the sauna at one of the Auckland clubs. Guy one “Yeah, I get the doctor to do an anal inspection on me once a year. It costs $100. The check-up takes an hour” Guy two “Cripes mate, that’s a long time to have a finger up your b u m!”
Conversation switches to longevity. Guy three “I was actually at a funeral for a war veteran who died at the age of 105. Prime-minister Helen Clark spoke. The poor guy had only recently had the last bullet removed from World War Two. When Helen spoke about this it was on the tip of my tongue to shout out ‘Gees that’s a long time on the hospital waiting list!”
At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is this really a good place to live?"
"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That’s wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
I received today a very interesting looking envelope in the daily mail. It bore all the hallmarks of material posted in a "plain brown envelope" although this one was a black plastic bag with the address window in clear plastic with a slim magazine inside. Ooo, I thought,as I feverishly tore open the envelope, someone has finally sent me some salacious material.
What a let down we have just become eligible for the Commonwealth Seniors Card and this is the first Seniors Australia magazine, bah humbug!
"There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. What would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I need some Space Mountain." -Craig Ferguson
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
- His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
- His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
- The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
- The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n’ Gogh.
- The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
- The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
- The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.
- His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
- His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
- The Mexican cousin’s American half brother, Grin Gogh.
- The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
- The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
- The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
- The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
- His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
- And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.
Having spent the school year impressing upon her class that maths can be found in everything, Mrs Reynolds had the class seated on the mat whilst demonstrating a maths concept on the board. She noticed one student sitting on the mat directly behind her which meant her view of the board was obstructed.
"Tash, how about you move to where you can see the board better. There is nothing mathematical about my bottom." A quick retort from one her boys was "Yes there is Mrs Reynolds. Two halves make a whole"
One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
For all of us who are seniors—For all of you who know seniors—and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
"Where is my Sunday paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was. "Ma’am," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday—the Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow on Sunday."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition—as she was heard to mutter, "Well sh*t—so that’s why no one was at church today."
I’ve just thought of another contemporary Latin phrase:
Tempus fugit non: don’t lose your temper
It was raining at school so I invited the class of Year 1′s beside mine to come through our connecting door and watch a D.V.D. with my class while we all ate lunch. As they walked in, I noticed in the other room that one child had brought in a couple of large plates of wonderful looking cup cakes for her birthday and that several remained untouched. I wished the girl a happy birthday and asked if there might be a cake left for me.
"Yes, I do have lots of cakes left over," she told me, "but they are all for other teachers
