The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A Catholic guy goes into this confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, it’s been a long time since I’ve been to confession. I didn’t know that they were so much more inviting these days." The priest
replies:- "Get out. You’re on my side."

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Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really,"
Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot." — Russ Tompkins

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Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn?

It gave birth to mittens!

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"Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect; it just means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections."–Unknown

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A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read . ‘and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly …’I think the Man would have said – ‘Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room .

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An oldie but a goodie

A teacher at college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.

‘Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

‘What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

‘Well, I suppose you’d have to write with your other hand’!!

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Mary: There are two men sitting alone at the bar over there.

Jill: So?

Mary: Well, we’re two women alone sitting over here at a table. What do you think that adds up to?

Jill: Four losers?

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The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

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It’s generally not a good idea meeting guys in a bar. It’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry; you bring home stuff you don’t need.

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Noted the following quote by Dame Edna Everage yesterday and wanted to share it with you: "I think if you can’t laugh at yourself, you could be missing the joke of the century, couldn’t you?" Dame Edna Everage.

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Another oldie but goodie

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. ‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, ‘but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

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The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . .
of stalwart . . .and virile . . . young men."

The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying, and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two test icles?"

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My husband seems to feel one should get their money’s worth on vacation. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to frolic every minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day – and you sit there reading a book!"

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A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn’t know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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One of my fourth graders asked my teacher’s assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"

"You should never ask an adult’s age," I broke in.

"That’s okay," Harriett said smiling. "I’m fifty."

"Wow, you don’t look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do." — Katherine Norgard

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A Friday Funnies exclusive… President Obama’s first email to the American people: “All whites please report to the cotton fields for orientation.”

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It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”

“If it was put there without my knowledge,” I asked, “how would I know?”

The agent behind the counter smiled smugly. “That’s why we ask.” — Kate Vetter

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You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you do it, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize . . .

You’re listening to your iPod

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A man once spent days looking for his new hat.

Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments.

He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

“Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”

The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?”

The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat!”

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“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” –Milton Berle

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Reading the joke from the 4 year old in these funnies reminded me of something my 4 year old said when he was 2

He was in the bath and going through the stage of being fascinated with his male appendage (I think they grow out off that stage don’t they) he grabbed hold of his doodle and said

“look mummy, I have a tail”

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A couple just got married and on the night of their honey- moon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.”

The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s that possible? You’ve been married three times before.”

The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

“Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”

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Jill: What happened to you and that last boyfriend?

Mary: Well, you know how men are supposed to be hunters, and women are supposed to be gatherers?

Jill: Yeah, I know about that.

Mary: Well, he couldn’t hunt enough money to keep up with my gathering.

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Husband says: When I get mad at you, You Never fight back.

How do you control your anger? Wife says: I clean the toilet… Husband says: How does that help? Wife says: I use your Toothbrush…..

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25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 2)… from Anthony

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. ‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. ‘Stop acting like your father!’
15. My mother taught me about ENVY . ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. ‘Just wait until we get home.’
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . ‘You are going to get it when you get home!’
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. ‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.’
19. My mother taught me ESP. ‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. ‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . ‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. ‘You’re just like your father.’
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. ‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. ‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE ‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

Thoughts from Garfield

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. Infact, just bugger off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse …then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

i’m bo yo

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-ap5Fp2T6c

This kid has some talent for word play.
Very funny stuff

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O’Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn’t you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ he’s only speaking to the groom." -David Gunter

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Right before Christmas our 4 year old son, Nathan – ok, he’ll be 5 on March 3rd 09, surprised us at the dinner table with this one:

"How did the crocodile eat the brick?"

… pause and use a slow, growling voice (as he did),

"With very sharp teeth and plenty of time!"

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"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.

“But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I’ve tried that – it’s never worked."

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BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

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Q: What goes cloak, cloak?

A: A Chinese toad.

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I’ve just signed for parachute school. I asked the instructor, "How many jumps do I have to make successfully before I graduate?" He said: "All of them."

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An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

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"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin

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My daughter has had a terrible time. First off she got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that she got rheumatism, and to top it off they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. Those primary school spelling tests are really hard these days.

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I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.

The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes."

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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency."

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25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 1)… from Anthony

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . ‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
7. My mother taught me IRONY ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. ‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. ‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. ‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. ‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

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This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don’t they?