The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, ‘You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.’ The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’ The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, ‘When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, ‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’
"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." – George Clemenceau, 1841-1921
After a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had had it. "Why," she cried out in exasperation, "do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!"
An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
‘If at first you don’t succeed, do it the way your wife told you!’
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
" The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning." "Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought she was having her picture taken."
Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends’ and relatives’ birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.
I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.
"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye’ll no bring it back!"
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but….. something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did…better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.’
The man perks up at this. ‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’ The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. ‘So,’ says the doctor, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’ ‘I have,’ says the man.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’
‘Yes, she has,’ says the man. ‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. ‘We’re getting a new kitchen.’
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the Children’s’ sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat Down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’
The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on Microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’
My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway.
Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener."
"I love mine too," my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage. — Gene Ward
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I’m afraid I can’t", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can’t stand to cook."
I read this statement….
"How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you can afford."
Having been through a divorce settlement, I believe it should read…..
"How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twice as many as you can afford." !!!!!
