The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

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True story

I rang my plumber for a gas leak and he promptly came.
After working on my gas oven for a few minutes he asked me for an old cloth. Having just moved into the house a few months ago i replied "we don’t have anything old in this house""…he looked up and said what happened to you?

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Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended.

One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "what’s his name?"

Mick replies "Miles from London!"

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It’s really humid in the woods, so the two hiking buddies remove their shirts and shoes. But when they spot a sign saying "Beware of bears," one of them stops to put his shoes back on. "What’s the point?" the other says. "You can’t outrun a bear." "Actually," says his friend, "all I have to do is outrun you."

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A farmer had to count his sheep for taxation purposes, so he got his border collie to do it. The dog came back and announced that there were 400.

The farmer thought that maybe he shouldn’t take a dog’s word for it, and very carefully counted them himself. There were 397.

He scolded the dog "I gave you a very important task and you said there were 400 sheep. I’ve counted them, and there are only 397"

"I know" said the border collie "I rounded them up"

Truely groan-worthy

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"This weekend several people were seriously injured during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. Turns out unleashing angry bulls onto a crowded city street is dangerous."
-Jimmy Fallon

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Last night on the telly a gentleman comedian of Irish descent said:

If an Irishman throws a pin at you, run like hell away from him. He is holding the grenade.

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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
–Jay Leno

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"It all began with Adam. He was the first man to tell a joke–or a lie. How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant." —Mark Twain, 1867

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There is a knock on St. Peter’s door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.

A short time later there’s another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.

"No," the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. "They’re trying to resuscitate me."

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I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.

Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.

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A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached."

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.
After- ward, the man says, "You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?"

"Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says.

"That makes sense," says the woman. "You’re an anaesthesiologist, aren’t you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man.

The woman replies, "Because I didn’t feel a thing."

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A few bad jokes

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?"

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

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I’m dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I’m tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The funniest thing I heard this week was a mother calling into a radio station complaining about the school holidays.
She said, “Life is short… but school holidays seem to go on forever!”

Another woman suggested that all you need is a large supply of riddles…. Here is one from Joy…

Q. How do Teddy Bears start a race?
A. Ready, Teddy, Go

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Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."

"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

"Would you?"

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Q. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A. About half way.

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"What they put women through today when they’re having a baby! They don’t want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn’t wake up till I was seven." –Dennis Wolfberg

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A chicken and a duck were standing on the side of the road.
The chicken turned to the duck and said "Don’t! You’ll never hear the end of it."

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Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.

"Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked.

"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.

"I know," I said. "It’s supposed to."

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There was once an doctor who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch – this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"

The doctor replied, "That’s no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri." "OK", said the genie, and a Ferrari appeared in front of the doctor. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferraris’," the genie told the doctor.

The doctor remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for 10 million bucks." So 10 million bucks appeared in front of the doctor and the genie said, "remember, every lawyer in the world now has 20 million bucks."

The doctor was non-committal and then said, "I always wished I could donate a kidney!"

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At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?"

"No," I told him. "We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic."

He arrived early.

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A while back I was reading an engineering magazine which contained an advertisement for "microtunnelling". I wondered what microtunnelling was until I realised it was a little bit boring.

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Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?"

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate maths, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers I’d say zero." He handed me back my license.

"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

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The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I’m not that kind!"

"Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.

"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"

"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

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Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons,
88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.

"What’s the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q. What do you call two straight days of rain in Auckland?
A. A weekend!

Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once we’re worriers

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"To promote the use of clean energy, a Swiss adventurist is going to fly around the world in a solar-powered airplane. He’s just praying that nothing bad will happen…like night." -Jimmy Fallon

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In a brave and decisive move, disregarding the counsel of many of his conservative advisors, President Bush asked Congress to increase the penalty for corporate malfeasance from not going to jail for 10 years to not going to jail for 20 years.

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Q. What do you get if you cross a doberman with Lassie ?
A. A dog that rips your arm off and goes for help.

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Today I attempted to explain to my class what a mobile library is. "If something is mobile, it means that it can move around, and not just be in one place, such as a mobile phone," I hinted, "so, what might a mobile library be?" One little fellow put up his hand with a big grin. "It’s a library full of phones!" he declared.

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The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break- fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he’d finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start."

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"My mother used to say"….. Actually it was my father in law who used to say when he finished a meal "I’m totally fed up". We knew what he meant!

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The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it’s superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."

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A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Get outta here, man–we don’t serve your kind here." The mushroom responds, "Why not? I’m a fun-guy."

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Following on from the euthanased/anaethestised story: I once took my sick 10 year old daughter with me to work, and on the way had to take her tiny chichihua to the vet to have a grass seed removed from its ear. Vet examined the dog, and said "To get that out, we’ll have to put her to sleep." Of course, daughter only hear the last part, and became instantly hysterical, assuming it was the euphemism for euthanasia rather than anaesthesia. So I’m trying to separate hysterical child from grabbing hysterical dog, yelling at both of them, while the poor vet is standing there wondering what he just said.

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The saying that I remember from way back was:

Have you the ordassaty to insinuate that I would tolerate such bombastic faciology from a low down no good ninkenpoop like you. and still to this day, I don’t really know what it means, but I’m a mother of 3 teenager daughters and 1 male toddler and I say it to them and it puts them in line, cause they don’t know what I’m saying either, but they sure listen.

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Q. What do you find on small beaches?
A. Microwaves.

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ALL MY LIFE I WANTED TO BE A FAILURE…UP UNTIL NOW I’VE BEEN A ROARING SUCCESS!!!

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How would you pronounce this child’s name? "Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Detroit, MI. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It’s pronounced "Ledasha"; When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don’t be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If they axe you why, tell them "the dash don’t be silent."

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A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.

The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I’m tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."

"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie…"

"You’re not listening to me," the director protested. "I don’t want to make any more movies."

"But we’ve got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed.

"I don’t want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.

"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!"

"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare…How can I go wrong? I’ll do it!"

"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There’s only one small hitch… I’ve got a girlfriend who sings…" With The Ashes about to start, this is from Dugald.

In order to assist people who not familiar with the game of Cricket, we offer this explanation . . . . . Cricket is a game in which there are 2 sides – one out on the field, and the other in. Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out until he’s out and then he comes in. When the side that is in is all out, the side that has been out goes in, and the side that was in goes out and tries to get out the side that went in. Sometimes there are men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out. When both sides have been in and out, including those not out and no longer in – that is the end of the game . . . .