Random thoughts from people 25-35 years old

• Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do! 
• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away? 
•  - More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me. 
• I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
• Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
• But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
• I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
• Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know”
• feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.
• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
• earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
• How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
• Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”.
• What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem …
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
• There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
• When I meet a new guy, I’m terrified of mentioning something he hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
• Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles…
• As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
• Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his pay cheque.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’

The entire congregation rose to their feet and said, ‘Amen.

---

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What’s he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife." replied the hunter.

---

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You’re running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You know you’re the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you’re doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

---

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

---

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful s * x appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’ Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

---

Three disabled men, a blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair, are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled men, the only survivors, are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one shows.

They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the man in the wheelchair;. Eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and en- courages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he is refused. The man in the chair is skeptical and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!

Now the man in the wheelchair is getting really excited and starts pushing with all his might. He goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold … NEW TIRES!

---

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.

"No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

---

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he’s doing.

---

"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, ‘Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?’" -Dave Letterman

---

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small member. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’ The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’ ‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’

---

Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple

• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
  turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
  illegally.
• Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
  The red nails will be much easier to spot on your
  bathroom carpet.
• Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
  Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you
  don’t know.

---

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

2009 Suzuki SFV650 Gladius

Today I had the chance to take out a demo 2009 Suzuki SFV650 Gladius from Boyd Motorcycles in Hamilton.
First impressions were not too bad, some similar styling and performance to my brother in law’s Triumph Street Triple.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Iz0xlLDpjU

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A primary school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to debating the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,”
said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

---

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

---

Two guys are in a bar talking.

"I fought over a girl last night."

"Oh, yeah? With whom?"

"With my wife."

---

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You’re three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I’m a 27 handicap."

---

What is the difference between Bird ‘flu and Swine ‘flu?
For bird ‘flu you need tweetment and for swine ‘flu you need oinkment.

---

Some Harry Potter riddles

Q: What do you call a boy wizard with a really bad case of the runs?
A: Harry Plopper.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is really good at absorbing ink?
A: Harry Blotter.

Q: What is the name of the author who has made billions and billions and billions of dollars out of Harry Potter?
A: J.K. Rowling-In-It.

Q: What do you call a film about a boy wizard who is deeply unhappy with the level of service he has received from a one-hour photo lab?
A: Harry Potter and the Half-Dark Prints.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is planning the overthrow of the government?
A: Harry Plotter.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Harry Potter.
Harry Potter who?
(pause) What, are you kidding?

Q: Why is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the cleanest campus in the world?
A: Everybody has a broom.

---

"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look any better." –Margot Black

---

So what have we learned in 2,063 years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." – Cicero – 55 BC

Evidently nothing…

---

Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

Harry says, "Yeah, all the time–her own and mine."

---

I called the local newspaper’s classified section to complain about an ad I’d placed.

It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.

"I said ‘ewes,’" I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale – USED."

---

Thanks very much for the ongoing humour. I take them to read to my 82 year old mother in the nursing home to cheer her up. She has been a source of a few stories in the past and I have now one more to add.

My mother was having a dream and was yelling out loud "
mother where are you" The women in the next bed to her in the nursing home answered in her sleep " I am here"

The nurse came in hearing voices and asked what’s the matter? Where’s my mother she asked, I just heard her call out to me?

---

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don’t rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!"

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It ‘In.’
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write ‘For Smuggling Diamonds’
7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy.’
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go.’
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won!, I Won!’
17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The car park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!’
18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’