This is some funny shit!
Only just thought of adding it here, these guys also do a great video called ‘Jizz in my Pants‘
Check out the Lonely Island YouTube channel and subscribe to get their latest videos.
True story
Last night my grandson, who is 13, asked me if I knew anyone who was in World War II. I told him that the first one that sprung to my mind was my Dad. He then asked me if he came out of it alive!!!
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. “I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”
Bring a newborn on a plane, and you get “The Look.” Not one of “Oh, what a cute baby.” It’s more “Please, God, don’t let that mom sit next to me.” So when our baby began to wail just after takeoff, you could have cut the tension with a Tickle Me Elmo doll. Was my wife rattled? Not at all. She lullabied our daughter with, “I’m teething, on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be calm again.”
A fisherman’s wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, “Excuse me ma’am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where he is?”
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. “Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends.”
Wine DOES NOT make you FAT
it makes you LEAN… . .
against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31st December 2009 .
From this date, the correct terminology will be: ‘Euronating’.
Thank you for your attention.
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone br-*st feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.’
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.”
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
We all fail sometimes. But there’s something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless – and inventive – of students.
Classical Studies
Biology
Religious Studies
Physics
Geography
History
I decided to buy an outfit for my girlfriend this weekend. I went to the mall and found a really cool twin set in this one store, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember what size she is.
I looked around and luckily saw another customer in the store who was built pretty much like my girlfriend. So I went up to the person and said, “Excuse me, sir, but what size are you?”
A guy sees a beautiful, young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says looking him up and down, "for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born."
A friend’s young daughter heard a riddle in kindergarten and brought it home to tell her quite protective daddy.
Unfortunately, the little girl got the joke wrong, to her father’s obvious consternation.
The riddle was supposed to be "What kind of flower grows between your chin and your nose?". Unfortunately, the youngster said this: "What kind of flower grows between your legs?". The answer? Tulips!
While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."
His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."
A teacher was putting on a play of ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears.’ One student’s mother quickly gave her a cuddly brown costume for the baby bear and another lent two larger, snow white polar bear costumes for the mother and father bear. When it got to the part in the play where the father bear asked "Who’s been sleeping in my bed?" a parent from the back giggled, "You may well ask!"
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.
A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.
"Nothing," he snapped.
"Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed."
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!"
Anyone who’s ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
"It’s a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." -Craig Ferguson
An old favourite
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had s * x all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying B…..d! You’ve been playing golf!’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’ ‘Yep!’ ‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’ ‘Not really.’ ‘Is she a good cook?’ ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’ ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ ‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’ ‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’ ‘Because she can still drive!’
A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he replies.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.
"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.
"I don’t care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
Interesting thoughts to ponder….
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. During the day I'm an Application Developer for Rotorua District Council and after hours I run Hodgeman Web & Design.
