The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Following the promotion of “Talk like a Pirate Day” last week, I am grateful to Nathan who sent me a graph to demonstrate that there is clear correlation between global warming and the decline of pirates!.. Let me know if you would like a copy.

About Generation Y

on the TODAY SHOW…" let’s face it they’re the generation that got a medal for coming seventh in the egg & spoon race"

"Today, the MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual ‘Genius’ awards. This year’s awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago." -Conan O’Brien

Q: What’s the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.

My son, age 13, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house.
Worried, too, that he was missing so much school, I went into his room to see how he felt.

There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game—while the tape recorder coughed on and on.
The next morning he was in school. James S Woods

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse."

"Today is Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day. ADD organizations say if you think you might have the condition, check out their Web site, then click on one of the ads, then Google the lyrics to a song that’s bugging you, then check Facebook." -Conan O’Brien

Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to
counseling and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice
urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John

My husband bought a bicycle on e-bay, so we went to the park for him to try it out. As he rode along, he kept looking backwards. I asked if anything was wrong with the bike. "I was just wondering if my behind looks big on this," he called over. He looked surprised when I started to cry with laughter!

True story

Our State has a campaign to educate people and reduce the amount of illicit drug use affecting so many young kids.

On a recent drive up to the mountains for a snow skiing weekend, my 7 year old daughter Izsabella, somewhat confused reads out aloud one of our State’s roadside warning signs, "Speed and Ice will kill you".

To which my youngest son Brannon responds with some authority, "That’s so true!" My wife and I question in our heads what would a 6 year old know of illicit drugs, so turn to ask him to explain.

Without faltering he responds "because if you go too fast, you’ll fall over, get cold and turn into an iceberg."

I’m so glad my kids are not the target audience for these signs.

Told by Vicar ( female) at my sons wedding.

On the morning of a wedding the mother of the bride noticed that her daughter was very nervous. It’s alright Dear she said, all brides feel this way on their big day. Now the trick is that before you walk down the aisle take a deep breath and remember three things . First, remember the aisle that you are about to walk up to the man you love.
Just keep saying to yourself the word aisle as you walk up the aisle. Then as you see the alter just keep saying to yourself the word alter.

And finally as you come closer to your handsome husband to be think of their wondrous hymn you have both chosen and just think of the that hymn. This will keep your mind off the nerves and you will be just fine.

The bride duly arrived and as the congregation stood the bride with her father arm in arm commenced the bridal walk up the aisle. As she walked slowly up the aisle passed the congregation a faint chuckle followed as the congregation overheard the bride saying in quiet deterined tones I’ll alter him – I’ll alter him – I’ll alter him.

Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
A. A crazy b*tch who will find you

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." -Unknown

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." –P. J.
O’Rourke

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead…

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

True story

My seven year old grandson was telling me he was tha fastest runner in school , the best football kicker, the best at playing tiggy etc at a number of activities in the school. I said ‘ i would like to hear you are the best reader in school or the best at maths"’ He looked very plaintive and said ‘there are thousands of kids at my school!!!

A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking himself a bride.

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Any why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."

"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can’t find a good man, raise one." –Unknown

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ”It’s my fooken wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve fooken killed her!”

Operator: ”Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!”

*click* … *BANG*

Irishman: ”Okay, I’ve fooken done that. What next?”

If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share withthe same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me young man, I’m in a hurry.
Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned around, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits lady."

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

"I don’t have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won’t let me."

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don’t know them."

I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

Deep down I probably don’t want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her. I parked my Harley next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine were leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I’m fat."

"No, you’re not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I’ve never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied.

3 on Grandparents

My grandson was visiting one day when he said "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old," he replied.

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize. "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."

Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that ?’ ‘Don’t you start.’*

What’s the difference a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes "Thwack! …Darn" ……………..

while the other goes "Darn! …Thwack."

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Some true ‘nurse’ events

Nurse Meg, noticed in friend’s property a man working in a large digger doing a very spectacular excavation job, while smoking a cigarette. So asked the digger "are you digging your own grave?" … with a few choice comments on smoking cessation!

The staff at the local After Hours Medical Centre were wearing dancing piggy stickers attached to their name
badges- great for camaraderie during the Swine Flu epidemic, and put a few smiles on the patients faces.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde.." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, ‘What’s your name?’ asked the chicken.

‘Bond, James Bond. What’s yours?’

‘Ken, Chick Ken.’

We have a teacher at our school who is a genius at fixing computers. When a student complains that their computer isn’t working, he just says "That’s okay, you can use the encyclopedias instead". Instantly the kid has no problems.

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 2 years with 500 men." Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What’s that" said the Texan. "That’s the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan’s attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What’s that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday."

2007 Suzuki GSX-R1000 K7

Made a special trip away from the office today, I hoped on an Intercity bus in Rotorua at 8:30am and headed to Auckland. I did this to pick up a Suzuki GSX-R1000 K7 (2007) motorcycle from Haldane’s motorcycles in Penrose, Auckland.

My first impressions were damn!, this thing looks mean as and sounds ever better!

My first ride was 100m down the road to fill up the 17 litre tank for the trip back to Rotorua. The noise this thing makes is incredible, it’s hard to believe this thing is legal.

After a quick top up it was back onto the road making sure to put my earplugs in first so as to reduce the damage to my ear canals!

The ride back to Rotorua was great, the weather was fantastic, the traffic was minimal but there where heaps of police around. Mind you I wasn’t going to be stupid on my brand new bike that has 162bhp at the rear wheel. I’ve been told by the guys at AMPS who dyno’d it last September that it creates 77ft lbs of torque.

I’m glad I had my ear plugs in as this is makes quite a noise. The exhaust is a Taylormade and is obviously very unrestrictive as it doesn’t take any prisoners.

Visit bikepics.com to see all the photos I’ve loaded of all the bikes I’ve owned.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Canada could have had French culture, American know-how, and English government. Instead it got French government, English know-how, and American culture." –John Colombo

While I was working in the men’s section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don’t know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"It’s a surprise for Mother’s Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
–George Bernard Shaw

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said ‘Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked ‘How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!’

The wrestler answered ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of test*cles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’

The trainer exclaimed ‘That’s what finished him off?’ ‘Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
–Bernard Bailey

"My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can…she’s always on my back." –Scott Wood

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter,"
he shouted, "Didn’t you hear me say, ‘well done’?"

"Oh, thank you, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You’ve got male!

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity."

"Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’"

Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.