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Archive for March, 2010

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Mar 28

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-28

@jimboot oh oh me me me !! Does that include return airfares from Rotorua? in reply to jimboot #
@VodafoneTreats Uploading photos taken on the iPhone to Facebook cause friends can't receive my PXTs in reply to VodafoneTreats #
Have a little laugh at my expense. http://bit.ly/b7dZ8E #TGIF #jokes #humour #comedy #
@kimcrossman Have an awesome time! Try not to use mobile data too much, you could unknowingly rack up a huge bill! in reply to kimcrossman #
@PolynesianSpa Wouldn't the chocolate melt in the hot pools? in reply to PolynesianSpa #
@travelbug Would you frown at me if I copied a clients (25000) comments and posted them on their own website with a link back to yours? in reply to travelbug #
@travelbug Is there a way to display an operators comments on their own site? Any widget or code you can provide? #
Ripped off @subwaynz! I only got 7 meatballs in my footlong today. Cutting back for Sub of the Day? #

Mar 26

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Blond on a cruise ship

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship – all my best dresses and make-up… Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today – seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 2,600 lives. Twice.

I teach Kindergarten and my class went to music last week.
The teacher stood up and hurt her back. One of the kids in my class said "my mum can fix your back". She asked how come. He said "She’s a Chirocractor". So cute.

Ethyl was talking to her hair stylist. "It’s silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."

"What do you mean?" the beautician asked.

"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she’d be balled soon."

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on marriage and family values. Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

After being married for 48 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Honey, 48 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 24-year-old gal. Now I have a $900,000.00 home, two cars, nice big bed and flat screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 71-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 24-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis…

"I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." –Sting

"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." –Frank Leahy

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." –Oscar Levy

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis." –Margaret Bonnano

Two old men meet while tottering around the park on their morning constitutional.

"Irving, how are you?" asks one, patting his friend on the arm.

"Terrible, terrible," mutters Irving. "My memory’s going.
For instance, I can’t remember whether it was you or your brother who died."

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her brea-ts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

He said, ‘I found the remote’.

An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce.

The solicitor asks, "Does he beat you?"

"No, sorr."

"Does he keep you short of money?"

"No, sorr."

"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"

"No, sorr."

"Is he unfaithful to you?"

"Ah, we’ve got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child."

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital.

"How are things at the office going, Claudia?" she asked.

"Well, they’re all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Cathy is making it with the boss."

Q: Why was the amoeba prison so small?
A: Because it only had one cell.

Q: How is a cat drinking milk like a track star?
A: They both enjoy taking a few laps.

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.

Q.What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A.Snowballs

Mar 21

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-21

@regentrotorua fabulous day for it! Must be one of the closest outdoor pools to the CBD?! in reply to regentrotorua #
Enjoy a little #comedy and #humour to get you through your day http://bit.ly/cRyguw #TGIF #jokes #
@hostdime My support ticket #11389 has been open for nearly 9hrs in Core with no response, slowest response ever. Care to comment on that? #
@rotoruashot Has to be a 3GS as it's much faster that the earlier models in reply to rotoruashot #
@maggiebarry If they take a couple of seconds to reply, hang up! They are automatically calling random numbers waiting for a reply. in reply to maggiebarry #
@JohnJCampbell Agreed! Hats off to ya @Tasmanrower. You could write a weight loss book! 17kg OMG! #

Mar 19

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They stop in front of Flaherty’s house still singing.

After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, "Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else!"

"Are you Mrs. Flaherty?" asks one of the drunks.

"You know dam well I am," she says.

"Well, can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!!

"A new study from the Centers for Disease Control says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse — only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube." -Jimmy Fallon

"It was on this day that Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by members of the senate, ironically, while pleading for healthcare." -Jay Leno

Recently a young woman came into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven’t had any problem.
This is Benjamin and this is Elizabeth."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

Ron’s Arab sheik story reminded me of an incident during my 1988-90 stint in the Infant Department of an English-medium school in Kuwait just prior to the Iraqi invasion. One of my far-too-young pupils was rebelling vociferously at having to come to prep grade. His father, at parent/teacher interview, confided to me that he had offered to take the child to Paris for a holiday if he would just agree to come to school without fuss!

By the end of the interview I had persuaded the parents to take the child out of school for the rest of the year and try again when he was old enough to cope with the reality of school. Phew!

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days! 61 days!"

The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-to-6 years!"

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.’ Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’

Q: What has eight legs and goes up and down?
A: A spider in an elevator!

Q: Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness?
A: He wanted to get the story straight.

Q: What do you call six stones with electric guitars?
A: A rock group.

Q: Why did the polar bears go to the South Pole?
A: To visit their Aunt Arctica!

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?"
the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone…….."

"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you."

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home, and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!"

Mar 14

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-14

@rotoruashot upgrade to an iPhone! Then you can tweet from anywhere! in reply to rotoruashot #
Is that me listed on your profile page @mediacreationz ? Nice to be mentioned. Any chance of a link back to my site? #
Enjoy some Friday Funnies at my expense http://bit.ly/daYi8b #TGIF #jokes #humour #comedy #
@VodafoneTreats Would ♥ a few more txt's that come w/ my $40 iPhone plan. Since my pxts can't be seen by any of my friends #
Great to meet @Dan2DAYFM today, looking forward to hosting @EllieMobbs and Dan who are coming over with @WinTrip2Rotorua winners. #
Excited as my copy of @keithandthegirl new book has been shipped! http://katg.com/book KATG ROCKS! #
@r_su Great looking icon!, I'm intrigued… in reply to r_su #
@meganleith lol – it's an aphrodisiac don't you know… plus no flies around here. in reply to meganleith #