The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

I always find that the first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

So good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, sure dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub in Westport in the County Mayo, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.

At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.

He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?” There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

True story

A friend’s teenage son sat down at their kitchen table at 10 o’clock at night and poured himself some cereal. His mother asked him if he wanted some more dinner, as there was some left over in the fridge. He told her that he wasn’t really hungry but that he had to leave the house early in the morning and wouldn’t have time to eat breakfast then.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, ‘Cool, I saved $380 this year!’" -Jimmy Fallon

It’s just dawned on me….

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes." -Jay Leno

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room.

“It’s me or the magazines,” Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.

Barry calls his boss and says, “I’m having trouble with my eyes.”

“What’s wrong with them?” the boss asks.

“I can’t see myself coming into work today,” says Barry.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can’t forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn’t pretend to care about you." -Jay Leno

Traveling is a major part of my wife’s job as a saleswoman, and it’s not unheard-of for her to visit four or five cities in one week.

I hadn’t thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last long business trip. As her head hit the pillow, she sighed, "It’s so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband."

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them..’

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, ‘Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’ After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’

I returned from my normal round of golf late last Sunday and my wife asked me why I had been so long. "All was fine "I said "until at the 11th hole, Fred had a cardiac arrest and died on the spot." "That’s terrible" my wife said.
"No kidding. For the rest of the round it was a case of hit a shot, drag Fred, hit a shot, drag Fred".

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while … then said, "You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks … "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said … "Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I’m Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles..

"Police officers say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing petrol from parked cars. Victims said they hadn’t felt that robbed since they put the petrol INTO their car." -Jimmy Fallon

A friend once complained to my sister about the difficulties contained in child rearing, especially the lack of peace and quiet rest.

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," my sister suggested.

So my sister’s friend bought a playpen. A few days later, my sister called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can’t believe it," she replied. "I get in the pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!"

Two asparagus are walking down the road when one is hit by a car. The other goes in the ambulance with his friend, sits in the emergency room, waits for some news.

A doctor comes to him. "I have good news and bad news. The good news – he’ll make a full recovery. The bad news – he’ll be a vegetable for life."

Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.

One woman complained that she remained an ‘apple-shape’ and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.

Her buddy agreed, saying, "It’s true. The lard works in mysterious ways."

A buddy of mine works in an office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience.

Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

After a busy day commuters settled down on their train train trip home, when a chap hauled out his mobile and loudly started up:- "Hi darling it’s Peter, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting – no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart" etc.
This was still going on after many minutes , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"

Q. What do you call a Greek parachutist?
A. Con Descending.

Q: Why did the leper baseball pitcher retire?
A: He threw his arm out.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A Roaming Catholic.

Q: Why didn’t Superman know he could fly?
A: Because he didn’t know his "Cape Abilities"

Q: How do you catch a rabbit?
A: Hide in a bush and make a noise like a Carrot.

Q: What is hairy and coughs?
A: A coconut with a cold.

Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
A: Because it was too heavy to carry.

Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new survey reported that 40 percent of people think it’s a good idea to get engaged on Valentines Day. The other 60 percent were men." -Conan O’Brien

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.

After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We’ll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ’10,000 Shekels on Goliath.’"

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, …Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!

That was a lovely story and I have one of my own that might make you smile too. Our 6year old grandson has just finished prep and although he can spell a lot of words correctly he often gets the right letters but in the wrong order. Consequently his Christmas wish list began, "Dear Satan,…"
One for his 21st don’t you think?

Harry is at his local discussing nicknames with his mates—George has started calling his wife "Harvey Norman" he says..

Why is that??? "No interest for 18 months"

(Harvey Norman is a huge retail store)

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"

The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?"

The redneck with he sack answered, "I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right."

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them.."

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I’m from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug that thing in."

A backwoodsman was making his first visit to a city hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, "What’s that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don’t know nothing now."

There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A: A pinch hitter.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stray cat with a crocodile?
A: An alley gator.

Q: Where do cows go on their first date?
A: To the moo-vies.

Q: Why did the talking bird join the air force?
A: He wanted to be a parrot-trooper.

Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father and his young son were out walking one afternoon when the youngster asked how the electricity went through the wires stretched between the telephone poles.

"Don’t know," said the father. "Never knew much about electricity."

A few blocks father on the boy asked what caused lightning and thunder.

"To tell the truth," said the father, "I never exactly understood that myself."

The boy continued to ask questions throughout the walk, none of which the father could explain. Finally, as they were nearing home, the boy asked, "Pop, I hope you don’t mind my asking so many questions…"

"Of course not", replied the father. "How else are you going to learn?"