Tiger Woods Jokes

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

Tiger is changing his name to “Cheetah”

Tiger is the first golfer to hit a water hazard and then a tree in the same drive!

Tiger just got kicked off the Ryder Cub team. …. He keeps getting beat by a European

Might have been worse Tiger, you could have lost your putter!

What was the points on the citation given to tiger by the Florida State Police?
Tree-under

That’s what happens when you put your driver in someone elses bag.

What course gives tiger the most trouble?
Intercourse

I hear that their relationship is in the rough!

If only Tiger had hit a mailbox and stop sign as well, he could have completed the Grand Slam!

I heard Tiger’s wife is now being sponsored by a golf club manufacturer.
The tag line: Get the club that beats Tiger!

When asked by the police how many times she hit Tiger, Elin replied “I’m not sure, put me down for a 5”

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common?
Both were clubbed by a Norwegian.

Why was Tiger in such a hurry at 2:30?
He was late getting to the next hole.

“Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty – if the cops would have arrived a minute later he’d have lost the other one as well”.

Tough year for tiger. 2nd time he has been beaten by a nine iron

Nike wants to drop their endorsement, apparently Tigers balls go everywhere.

What’s the difference between Tiger’s Escalade and his pitching wedge?
He can hit his wedge over water hazards and trees.

New Nike “TW” hat……..$25
New Nike Golf Shoes……$125
New Cadillac Escalade….$60,000
New Nike Iron, wrapped around your head, By jealous wife..
……PRICELESS ! !

Random thoughts from people 25-35 years old

  • Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do! 
  • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away? 
  •  – More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me. 
  • I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
  • Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
  • Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
  • But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
  • I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  • Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know”
  • feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.
  • Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
  • There is a great need for sarcasm font.
  • I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
  • earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
  • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  • I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
  • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
  • How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  • Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”.
  • What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
  • While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  • I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
  • If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
  • Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem …
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
  • There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  • I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  • “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
  • I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
  • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  • When I meet a new guy, I’m terrified of mentioning something he hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
  • I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
  • Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles…
  • As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
  • Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  • I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
  • I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
  • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  • The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

  1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
  2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
  3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
  4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It ‘In.’
  5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
  6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write ‘For Smuggling Diamonds’
  7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy.’
  8. Don t use any punctuation
  9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
  10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
  11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go.’
  12. Sing Along At The Opera.
  13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?
  14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
  15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
  16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won!, I Won!’
  17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The car park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!’
  18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

Man Rules – for Woman

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys’ side of the story. ( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)

We always hear ‘the rules’ From the female side …Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

  • Men are NOT mind readers.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  • Sunday sports: It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides… Let it be.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
  • If you think you’re fat, you probably are.Don’t ask us.
  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
  • You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  • Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
  • Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched..We do that.
  • If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  • If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
  • Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball ormotor sports
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this, Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh

Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny’s at it again….. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mummy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’


The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’


Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum.’

Thoughts from Garfield

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. Infact, just bugger off and leave me alone.
  2. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
  3. No one is listening until you fart.
  4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
  7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
  11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
  13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
  14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
  15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it
  19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse …then things just get worse.
  20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

52 things you would love to say out loud at work

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.
  2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
  10. Ahhhh. I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.
  11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a sh*t.
  14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
  20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
  24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?
  25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
  27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
  31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different………
  32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
  33. Can I swap this job for what’s behind door ……….1?
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
  36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
  39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.
  40. Wait a minute – I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  41. Aren’t you a black hole of need.
  42. I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
  43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
  44. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
  45. If you have something to say raise your hand………then place it over your mouth.
  46. I’m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
  47. Don’t let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
  48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
  49. You’re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
  50. You are as pretty as a picture, I’d really like to hang you.
  51. Don’t believe everything you think.
  52. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of no-one caring. 

Proper English

English Signs from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

36 Guidelines for Life

  1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
  3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
  9. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
  10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
  12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  13. Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.
  14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
  17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
  22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
  26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’
  27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
  28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
  31. Never lick a steak knife.The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  32. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
  33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  34. The one thing that unites all human beings regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are above average drivers.
  35. Your friends love you anyway.