As a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog’s heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn’t harm her, but by law, I’m forbidden to give medical advice. “If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you’d call me,” I explained. “In this case, you really should consult with your own physician.”
“But it’s one in the morning!” she exclaimed. “I can’t wake my doctor.”
“An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.” –Edgar Wallace
Joke of the year.
Two women were sitting together, quietly.
One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
“Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving,” I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, “Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied. ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nip p les, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both Br easts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don’t have any milk.’
I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself : Man: ‘May I buy you a cocktail?”
Maxine: ‘No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.’ Man: ‘Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?’ Maxine: ‘No, they spread.’
“You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.” –Jeff Foxworthy
An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”
“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”
She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”
I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called him back. He was like, “Hello?”
I said, “Hey, buddy, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?”
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
“I have good news and bad news,” the defense attorney told his client. “First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”
“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is only 140.”
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: One is from New York, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Florida All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The New York contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The New York contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government contracting works!
3 pieces of string were walking along the street and decided to sit in a beer garden and have a few beers. String #1 walks in and orders 3 beers but the barman told him in no uncertain terms that they do not serve pieces of string.
Disappointed he goes out to tell his mates that they have to move on. String #2 says that he’ll try reasoning with the barman and will be back in a jiffy with the beers. But alas, he too came back empty handed. “You’re right – he simply won’t serve pieces of string here”.
String #3 is dying for a beer and stands up, twists himself into a big knot, messes up his hair and goes in and demands 3 beers. The barman eyes him suspiciously and asks “Are you a piece of string?”
To which the reply came “I’m a-fraid-not”