"A new study finds that people who are chipper and happy live longer. Which is surprising because people who are not chipper and happy want to kill people who are always chipper and happy." -David Letterman
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that’s how the fight started…..
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James
I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping. One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers…"
Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store." — Matthew Perenchio
Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you? She agreed, and they had sex.
Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her!"
Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’
The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’
I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I’m dying over here and you’re putting?"
"Don’t worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through."
Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week. That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiful woman comes up to him and says, "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had."
The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"
- Nothing can replace a bikini … and often does!
- How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you can afford.
- I was studying chemistry in college but after about six weeks I was out of my element.
- If we looted our local pharmacy, would they call it pillaging?
- Down at the railroad yard, they can always hear when the locomotive has a problem. They have engine ears.
- What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder!
- Of all the fruits he could have eaten, do you think Noah enjoyed pears the most?
- I heard of a young lady at my office who accidentally spilled her birth control pills into the copier while changing the toner … now we can’t get it to reproduce anything.
I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.
"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.
"I don’t care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
Teenager Daughter Owner’s Manual
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teen- agers.
Teenager Owner’s Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
main- tenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full
refund.)
IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:
- look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
- refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
- Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.