A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed
it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘Its golf balls’.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked … ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’
"I found the remote"
"My cousin was visiting from Melbourne and we were watching the Big Bathurst motor race that everyone in Australia watches once a year. I was quite proud of my weight loss, as I was much bigger when I last saw my cousin.
I was standing there, feeling quite good about myself and she asked me a question, with me thinking she asked ‘Are you holding Fluid?.’ I pulled my tummy in and stood up straight, thinking she was saying I was quite fat, holding fluid and all.
I stumbled and babbled a little over what to answer and she asked me again, as we watched the race ‘Are you Holden or Ford?’
No, I am not deaf!! But over the noise of those racing V8 Holden’s and Ford’s, that is what is sounded like. Then I breathed and let my tummy out just a little!!"
The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.
"Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"
The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line."
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for s*x?" the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.
Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.
He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You’re on my side."
Kids in church
- 3-year-old Reese : ‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.’
- A little boy was overheard praying: ‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.’
- One particular four-year-old prayed, ‘And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
- A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’ One bright little girl replied, ‘Because people are sleeping.’
Tommy Cooper…. Part 1
- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
- I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
- I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’ - I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’ I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
- I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.
- I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
- The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says:
SEX FROGS FOR SALE . . . . Only $20 each and comes with ‘complete’ instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter,’I’ll take one!’
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her flat, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what she reads :-
- Take a shower.
- Splash on some nice perfume.
- Slip into a very sexy nightie.
- Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She does it all and quickly gets into bed with the frog . .
. …but she waits and to her surprise… nothing happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She reads the instructions again and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store immediately.’
So, she calls the pet store and the man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions but the damn frog just sits there!’
The man … looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares ‘directly into its eyes’ and sternly says:
‘LISTEN TO ME… I’m only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!’