"Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant"
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
That’s the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree…he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver
I find it’s a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can’t see the Woods for the trees.
Tiger’s wife went for him over a birdie.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
I was asked to participate in a video for work, so I brought in a couple of outfits and played thespian for a day. At the end of the shoot, the receptionist eyed me suspiciously as I walked around in outfit number two. "Have you changed clothes?" she asked. "Or did I forget to go home?"
A snail was slithering along the street one day when he was attacked by two turtles. Later, the cops asked, "Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this to you?"
"No, it all happened so fast."
The game show contest ant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question — worth 500 points!
"To be today’s champion," the show’s smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa’s reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and … Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain ‘Olive’?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing,
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer…
Dear Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favourite politician is Kevin Rudd.
"This is little strange. A couple in England named their new daughter Kia because she was delivered in the back seat of a Kia. No one was happier than her older brother — Hospital Bed." -Jimmy Fallon
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher
asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays, and prays for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t til next Wednesday!"
One for golfers
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What’s the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron!
You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron."
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
CHRISTMAS PARTY
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 21st October 2009
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 22nd October 2009
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline.
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FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 23rd October 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2009
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, L*sbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply ‘No Sugar’
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!
Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fuckng Employees
DATE: 25th October 2009
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.
Vegetarians… I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Witch from HELL!!!
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FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 26th October 2009
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
John Benson.