Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep h er cool.. "That’s interesting,"
she said, "how do you make babies?" "It’s simple," replied the girl. "You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’."
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a Shell Petrol station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’
My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can’t handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone.
My husband says, ‘Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?’
‘Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.’" –Rita Rudner
True story
A few days after visiting a pet store, my son (6 yrs) said to his mother. "I would really love to get one of those Siberian husky dogs mummy". To try and put him off the idea, his mother said "We already have two dogs and Siberian huskies need walking twice a day". My son’s reply "Gee, that will keep you busy mummy".
A real corny one from a nine year old
Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. He wanted to reach the bottom!
This is bad, but reading some of the puns in this week’s edition has encouraged me to send this …
Did you hear about the concreter who gave up his job because he found the work too hard?
True story
I had to go with my 62 yr old mum to Prince Charles Hospital emergency department here in Brisbane– she had a minor set of symptoms but the ambos said she should go in for a check.
Mum was a bit disoriented, and this loosened up her sense of humor. While waiting in a cubicle for nearly two hours for a doctor to see her, we were watching the passing parade, which happened to include a very nice looking young male doctor. He was probably a few years older than Doogie Howser. I made several comments like “ He’s a cute looking young doctor” and “have a look when he comes by again” when my silver-haired, usually conservative, mother leans forward and says : ”tell him if he comes over here he can look at acute angina”.
Needless to say, I couldn’t breathe properly for nearly ten minutes due to the hysterical laughter this comment caused.
My mother was no better – convulsed on the examination table with tears of laughter rolling down her face. At one point I had to grab a tissue from my handbag and pretend that I was crying and coughing as I thought the duty nurses were going to come in to see what the hell was going on.
I thought I was going to need to see the doctor.
My sister gets to take her next time.
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the V*rgin Mary"
Tiger: "You’re a day late."
"A list has been published of the foods that are most likely to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In other words, America is gonna be just fine." -Conan O’Brien
"Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage." -Jay Leno