An excited army recruit asked his Company Commander for immediate leave as his wife was going to have a baby. Permission was granted, and when the leave pass had been issued and the soldier was leaving, the officer asked exactly when the baby was due. "About nine months after I get home sir", replied the recruit casually.
The platoon sergeant at roll call one morning asked for 20 volunteers for special duty.
The response was not exactly terrific, but eventually he counted 20 hands.
"OK men", he told the volunteers, "Go back to your huts and take it easy".
He then scowled at the rest of the group, "You men," he said, " can fall out and start cleaning up the parade ground"
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It’s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!"
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost my legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn’t get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, about to die, useless and you’re still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You’re nothing but bad luck!"
Three professors of English were walking through Cambridge, discussing collective nouns, when they turned a corner and spotted a group of “ladies of the night” and wondered how to describe them.
The first one suggested “that might be a Jam of Tarts”.
The second offered “a Flourish of Trollopes”.
The third said “No. That is most definitely an Anthology of Pros”
What do you call a man …
… with a seagull on his head?
A. Cliff
… lying in a doorway?
A. Matt
… who has been mauled by a lion?
A. Claud
… with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
A. Bob
… with a spade in his head?
A. Doug
… without a spade in his head?
A. Douglas
… hanging on a wall?
A. Art
… wearing no undies?
A. Nicholas
… in an envelope?
A. Bill
… lying in a field?
A. Pat
We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”
—Frederick Keonig
To my children who like to argue with me: Where do you think you got your ATTITUDE and STUBBORNNESS from? So….give it up, I have decades more experience over you…….I’ll win!!!
A friend always seemed to lean slightly to the left. It bothered me, so I suggested that he see a doctor and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused, telling me I was crazy, but last week, he finally went.
Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a half -inch shorter than his right. A bit of orthopedic surgery later, both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.
"So," I said, "you didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."
- The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
- Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
- If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
- Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
- How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
- Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
- Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
- Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.
- No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
"It’s always the same with new inventions. I can remember when calculators came out. We weren’t allowed to use them in school. The teachers would say, ‘Calculators prevent you from learning arithmetic.’ I’d say, ‘I’m going into show business.’ ‘Well, you’ll need arithmetic to count your crushed dreams.’" -Craig Ferguson
Have you heard of the mechanic who worked on mufflers all day? At night he was exhausted.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up and tree and act like a nut.
Q: How do you kill a circus troupe?
A: Go for the juggler.
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers!
Q: Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?
A: Because he didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket!
Q: Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
A: Because he was newt to the area!
Q: What do Scottish toads play?
A: Hop-scotch!
Q: Who did the mortician invite to his party?
A: Anyone he could dig up!