Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
The other replied, "You’re darn right we’re poisonous! We’re rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."
A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."
Alcohol Issues – drink driving
A new way to avoid any DIC alcohol issues while driving: I went out with some friends last night and had a few too many.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before . .
. I took a bus home!
I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have not driven a bus for over forty years.
"I was homeschooled, which meant that I had to bully myself."
-Dave Letterman
Grade four children were shown a video about food processing then asked what is the the difference between home cooking and factory cooked food.
One little darling announced to the whole class, "Food made in a factory doesn’t have any lumps in it!"
My mate’s missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff."
Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.
She said to her mother, "I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."
Her mother shrugged and said, "Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right.
Just look how much he loves his mother."
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."
My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
Twin sisters in St. Luke’s Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?"
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van (roadside emergency) parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint n+ked . . .
In the middle of the project, there’s a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
What do you call a
…. Woman tied up to the wharf? ….. Maude
…. Woman with one leg shorter than the other? … Eileen
…. Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other? … Irene
…. Woman who hangs on the wall? … Muriel
…. A blind deer in the forest? … No idea
…. A blind deer with no legs in the forest? … Still No idea
…. A dog with no legs? …. It doesn’t matter because he can’t come to you anyway.
Q: Why did Dracula flunk art class?
A: Because he could only draw blood!
Q: Why do sharks live in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Q: What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives a woman crazy?
A: Hundred dollar bills.