A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the First time, her father’s nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn’t be here."
Puzzled, she seeks out her mummy and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mummy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?"
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.
When you get out, I’mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has gone missing. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following a pattern.
I have travelled a bit in the world. Over 60 countries BUT:
I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to be in Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
I have been in Deepsh*t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
Let’s hope that my latest visit to the doctor is not in Curable. But it will not be as the chiropractor claims that I am fixed.
"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really." –Jay Leno
A colleague was heading out for yet another visit to the dentist. I wished him luck, but he said "The guy is just drilling to see if he can find the bottom of my wallet
Paul Keating was doing a bit of a tour and visited a nursing home. He stepped up to one of the old biddies sitting in the lounge area and said "Do you know who I am?"
"No" she said, "but if you see the lady at the desk I’m sure she can help you"
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat’s nothin’," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they ask, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
True story
My girfriend’s husband is Maltese, this comming weekend he will be in a lawn bowls competition here on the Central Coast NSW against a Maltese Bowls club from Sydney.
My friend asked her husband if he felt like he wanted to throw the game so the Maltese from Sydney could win.
Her husband said " No way, I’ll do all I can to win, I’ve always wanted to get a Maltese cross.
Some lawyer jokes
- What is the difference in between a good lawyer and a great one?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. - How does a photographer makes a lawyer smile for the camera? He says: say ‘Fees’.
- In almost every case, you have to read between the lies.
- A lawyer is a gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it for himself.
- A man is innocent until proven broke.
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’
No one moved.
The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now, stand and confess your transgression.’
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "’Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Q: If you are American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
A: European.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter?
A: They wear snow caps.
Q: Why did it take the monster 10 months to finish a book?
A: Because he wasn’t very hungry.