A friend’s teenage son sat down at their kitchen table at 10 o’clock at night and poured himself some cereal. His mother asked him if he wanted some more dinner, as there was some left over in the fridge. He told her that he wasn’t really hungry but that he had to leave the house early in the morning and wouldn’t have time to eat breakfast then.
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house.
When he gets close he hears one say to the other, "Here’s to 17 days!"
Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What’s so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we’ve been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8….
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Paterson about enlarging her breasts.
Dr. Paterson advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest" and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning, she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened, she might lose her lovely BOOBS if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Paterson’s? "Yes I am…. How did you know?’
He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock"
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to The Kingdom of Heaven ?’
The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .’
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the Priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom..
‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?’
‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.’
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, ‘If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.’
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, ‘Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die..’
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careering around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. ‘Who are you?’
‘I am your guardian angel,’ the voice answered.
‘Oh, yeah?’ the man said ‘And where were you when I got married?
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"
"Yes," she answered. "Come to thik of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."
"And, when was that?"
"When he asked for the second cup."
Q: Where do sheep go for haircuts?
A: The "baa-baa" shop.
Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish with two elephants?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Why were all the dairy cows mad at the farmer?
A: He had no consideration for the feelings of udders.
Q: What did the little porcupine say when it backed into the cactus?
A: Is that you mom?
Q: What happened when a dog sneaked into the flea circus?
A: He stole the whole show.
Q: What do you call donating your body to a medical school?
A: A Dead Give-away
Q: What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: Ughs and kisses.