“The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called “democracy,” from the Greek words dem, meaning “everybody gets to vote,” and ocracy, meaning “except of course women, slaves and poor people.” –Dave Barry
A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy- Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken.”
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women’s breast implants.
A company spokesperson declares this a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts without listening to them.
In Paris recently, a thief almost managed to steal several paintings from the Louvre. But during his escape, his van ran out of gas and he was captured. After the incident was televised, a reporter asked the would-be thief what happened.
He replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!”
Saturday night — I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore! He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can’t putt for nuts. Got laid though.
“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.” –Rita Rudner
Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds
- Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.
- A grandfather is a man grandmother.
- Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run.
- When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
- They don’t say, “Hurry up.”
- Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
- They wear glasses and funny underwear.
- They can take their teeth and gums out.
- Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
- When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
- Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
- A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived ”Oh,” he said, ”she lives at the Airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the Airport.”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”
“This is the Tax Department. Can you help us?”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
When a woman wears leather clothing, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new car!
There once was a snail who liked to visit people in his street, but because he was a snail, he earned a reputation for being very slow in getting there. He decided the solution was to buy a really fast sports car. He went to a car dealer and ordered a bright red one. But he had an extra request for the salesman.
“I want you to paint a big, black letter S on the door,” the snail said. “Whatever for?” asked the car dealer. “So that when I drive up the street, everybody will see my car and, say ‘there goes the snail’,” said the snail. It cost a little extra, but the sports car was painted with a big letter S on the door and delivered to the snail’s home.
“At last,” he thought. “Now nobody will say I am slow.” The snail got in, revved hard and sped noisily up the street. And all the people turned around and said “Wow, look at that S-car go!”