Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don’t know," the doctor replies. "It’s just a hunch."
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong!
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And that’s how the fight started…..
Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends’ and relatives’ birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.
I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.
"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.
Some one liners
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before
I sponsor a 3 year-old boy in Indonesia, and meaning can become somewhat "skewed" in translation of letters from his parents. In one received recently, his mother told of him climbing a toy stair at playgroup. She went on to say that, "therefore, we have decided to "out" him at playgroup next July! I have been debating whether I should point out to her that Rifki may not appreciate having his parents make such a courageous gesture on his behalf at so tender an age!
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
Yes, Father, it is.
”And who was the girl you were with?”
I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.
‘Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
I cannot say.’ ‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
I’ll never tell.”
Was it Nina Capelli?”
I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
Was it Cathy Piriano?”
My lips are sealed.
”Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
‘The priest sighs in frustration.
‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to a tone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself’.
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?”
‘4 months vacation and five good leads!!!’
"In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for your liver. I’m sorry, did I say ‘scientists’? I meant Irish people." -Tina Fey
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." –Dorothy Parker
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, "We’re supposed to be finding the bludy height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a bluudy ladder." The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, "Isn’t that just like a blonde! We need the bludy height and she gives us the bludy length."
An oldie but a goodie
Hung Chow calls into work and says, ‘Hey, I no come work today; I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt; I no come work.’ The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.’
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon………You got nice house’