A new US Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
“Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sometimes the men have “urges.” That’s why we have the Molly. The Camel.”
The Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about “urges.” The camel can stay.”
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own “urges” and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with Molly. When he’s done, he asks the First Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”,
No not really, sir.. “They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”
I love your jokes and humour, and share them with many friends. Thankyou !! I know they help lift the spirits all of us each week.
A true story you may be interested in,..
I was teaching a First Aid Class for some very senior citizens at a Retirement Village here in Gippsland. One older gentleman in our group, did not seem to be willing to respond to questions about other possible actions, that might be taken, if something we thought might be an effective method of treatment did not seem to be working.
I tried to motivate him by bringing the example closer to home. I said, “come on ‘Harry what would you do, now,.. Imagine you’ve woken in the morning, to find your wife beside you still & unmoving, showing no signs of movement, or life.
You decide to pump and breath for her. She is still unmoving, totally unresponsive to your efforts. You have been trying hard, but only for about a minute, Now, what do you think you should do ?”
Harry said, “Well first tell me what’s different than normal,…………. she never responds.”
I was speechless for a few moments, as he was as dry and serious as it was possible to be in his reply !! I had to call a short break whilst I tried to stop laughing.
Q. How does a butcher introduce his wife?
A. Meet Pattie.
Reasons for Divorce
- A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she “beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission.”
- A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: “I have gone to the bridge club. There’ll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o’clock on Channel 2.”
- A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife “was always nagging him in sign language.”
- A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to “duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend’s house.”
- A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he “stayed home too much and was much too affectionate.”
A husband answered the phone, “No, I’m afraid she’s not in at the moment. Whom shall I say was going to listen?”
Tell your friend a lie. If he keeps it secret, then tell him the truth. —Portuguese Proverb
“You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn’t it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends.” —Scott Ostler
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny’s imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, “He’s been around here a long time–we’ll miss him.”
“Yes,” Mom replied, “But he’s too much work for one person, and since I’m that one person, I say he goes.”
Another child offered, “Well, maybe if he wouldn’t eat so much and wouldn’t be so messy, we could keep him.”
But Mom was firm. “It’s time to take Danny to his new home now,” she insisted. “Go and get his cage.”
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, “Danny? We thought you said Daddy!”
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well,” said the Director, “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
Children’s Science Exam If you need a laugh, then read through these Children’s Science Exam Answers.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this !)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean? (I do love this one…)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
“Paris Hilton’s private diaries have been stolen. Whoever stole the diaries had access to her bedroom, so it could have been anyone.” –Conan O’Brien
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely caucasian, white baby boy.
“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents. “Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him ……..Sum Ting Wong
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out, “Good bye, Mom”, as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout . and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mother.”
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk,
“How come so much?! I only bought 5 items.”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d pay for her things, too.”