Shayne’s Stress Buster No. 8
Do something you love.
This means that when you’re doing it, you lose track of time. A hobby can be a great stress buster: belly dancing, collecting, painting, gardening, hang gliding, going to the movies or theatre shows.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, “I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!”
"IMPOSSIBLE !!” said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
“WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!”
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, “What’ll ya have?”
The seal says, “Anything but a Canadian club.”
“There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me — I always feel that they have not said enough.” — Mark Twain, U.S. novelist and humorist
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir,” the new employee replied.
“Then that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, She stopped in to see you.”
Why is an expensive but nonproductive possession called a “white elephant”?
This is said to have originated with the king of Siam, who supposedly gave white elephants to members of his court he wished to ruin.
White elephants, at that time, were considered sacred and were not allowed to do work, yet they still had to be fed and cared for. Thus a possession that must be maintained at high cost but that offers no productive output in return is said to be a “white elephant.”
This is sooo old but funny
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : No, because you make me sick.
Some kids advice to kids
- Never ask year 3 year old brother to hold a tomato
- You cant trust dogs to watch your food
- If your sister hits you , dont hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body: “Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, Says the Coroner.
Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one: Seamus O’Reilly from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Well he thought he was having his photo taken”
Sex is the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I’d disapprove of every young man who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend’s pre- diction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
“You know, Dad,” she replied, “we don’t show you everybody.”
An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce.
The solicitor asks, “Does he beat you?”
“No, sorr.”
“Does he keep you short of money?”
“No, sorr.”
“Is he a perpetual drunkard?”
“No, sorr.”
“Is he unfaithful to you?”
“Ah, we’ve got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child.”
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: “This is an amazing octopus. I’ll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it.”
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet.
The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
“Can’t you play the bagpipes?” asked the man. “Play it?” said the octopus, “I’m gonna make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”
One liners
- Word Play Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Some Irish Jokes
Q – Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A – So the English can understand them.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.” “That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
“The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called “democracy,” from the Greek words dem, meaning “everybody gets to vote,” and ocracy, meaning “except of course women, slaves and poor people.” –Dave Barry
A blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and inquires if something is wrong?
“I finished the exam in half an hour but I am rechecking my answers…”