Out driving the other day, my husband and I passed an A-frame sign which was advertising the local psychic meeting being held just down the road. I said to my husband ‘Why do they need to advertise that, if they were any good, they wouldn’t need it.’
My four-year-old, obviously well brought up granddaughter was hanging out to get stuck into her dinner but politely asked Daddy if could start now please. ”If you wish,” he replied somewhat formally. Adelaide closed her eyes and crossed her fingers. ”I wish I could start eating, I wish I could start eating.”
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?’ ‘I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.’
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘
I have never heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘ Are you taking anything for it?’
‘Yes,’ the woman nodded. ‘Pepper.’
"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
—A. L. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Thought I’d share this true story with you…
Recently my elderly Aunty and Uncle from Canada visited us her in New Zealand and we had a family dinner to catch up with them. My mother introduced Uncle Hamish to my 7 year old son Kerrin, she told Kerrin that Uncle Hamish talked a bit different as he had what was called an accent (a strong one at that).
A while later I was outside throwing a ball around with Kerrin when he said to me "Uncle Hamish talks funny doesn’t he dad" To which I responded "Yes, that is his accent Nan told you about"
Kerrin then said "Yeah, it’s like he’s Chinese but he’s not"
I couldn’t stop laughing!
Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says "Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her… so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt..so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy… "
And here I am.
Two young men from Glasgow, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding .
"Och, it’s all going like magic," says Jock. "I’ve got everything organized already – the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night….."
Archie nods approvingly. "Man, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!"
Continues Jock, "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?"
"Oh," says Jock, "I’d imagine she’ll be in white."
"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
–George Bernard Shaw
I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I’ll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh, no," I replied. "I’m not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don’t," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care?"
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house.
The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there…
An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.
"Two men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you. Akshay will be the lucky one."