A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.
As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, ‘What’s this?’ It’s a Lion,’ the boy replied. ‘That’s good,’ said Grandfather. ‘And what’s this in the next one?’ ‘Its tiger’ replied the boy.
‘Well done,’ said Grandfather ‘you’re so clever. And what’s the big one over there.’ ‘It’s a fricking elephant.’ Said the boy gleefully. ‘What did you say,’ queried the Grandfather? ‘A fricking elephant,’ he repeated. ‘And where did you learn that?’ asked Grandfather sternly. ‘Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’
the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken!
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish city office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a cent to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army ?’
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, ‘Uh… no, I didn’t know that.’
‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘my brother, a disabled Vietnam veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and their six children.’
The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. ‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’
The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’
And the lawyer says, ‘So…if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?
While watching a movie recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
‘Excuse me,’ I said, ‘I can’t hear.’
‘I should hope not,’ she replied sharply. ‘This is a private conversation.’
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’ Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……
……. . . .
“Bug gers won’t let me far t.’
‘According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.’ -Jay Leno
Funny things are all around us……….
I was standing in a shopping centre and a young dad walked past me with a toddler in a trolley. The toddler was earnestly trying to tell him something important but it just came out as babble. The dad stopped walking, looked straight at the little guy and said ‘I’m sorry mate but I don’t speak Swahili!’
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO…..,’ answered the blond. ‘They’re watch dogs!’
Two guys are in a bar talking.
‘I fought over a girl last night.’
‘Oh, yeah? With whom?’
‘With my wife.’
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tam pons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’ ‘Eight,’the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me.
They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either one.’
Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he’d tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the ‘Irish Times Newspaper’
“OYSTERS KILL PATRICK”
My Pop is so forgetful he once spent three hours in a grandfather clock trying to make a phone call.