Thursday Easter Holiday Funnies

“Woohoo…Now I can wear heels!” —Nicole Kidman on divorcing Tom Cruise

We were trying to save money as the mortgage payments were pretty tough to work with. As you know I don’t drink that much – maybe a slab or two on the weekends with the boys. As a cost saving she told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.

It was tough, but I agreed. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up and I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back.

A lady on the light rail was reading a magazine article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to a stranger next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Geez,” he said sympathetically. “Have you tried mouthwash?”

A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says “sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There’s nothing I can do for you – just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”

So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he’s never been there before.

He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners – prize £350, and then gets any line and wins £3200. He also calls for a full house – and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000.

The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says “son – I’ve never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4 corners, any line, full house and the national grid – I’ve never met anyone so lucky.”

“Lucky??” he screamed, “lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got yellow 24.”

“Blow me down,” says the bingo caller, “You’ve won the raffle as well”!

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing,” the woman answered.”I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” “Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

An old man was a witness in a burglary case in Miami. The defense lawyer asks Sam,
“Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again,
“Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam,
“Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight might be failing. Just how far can you see at night?”

He quickly replied, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, “Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?”

“Why do you ask?” the man replied.

The tourist shrugged. “Just idol curiosity, I guess.”

A Catholic Priest was about to leave his Mission in the jungles, where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little
farther and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”

The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,”Riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes
ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other.

“How could you kill these people in cold blood that way”?
The chief replied, “My bike.”

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

“Don’t blow our cover. You’re in America now. Speak Spanish.”

25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these, 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: “What sort of people were punished in the stocks?”
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: “The small investor.”

Words that really should exist

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who’s not too bright.

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.

Zit Code: knowing where your next pimple will appear.

A bar in town is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.

13 Week Scan Photos

Here we go folks, the latest scans, hot off the press, taken on Thursday the 6th of April.

Kim and I are so excited, everything looks good.
Everything seems so weird as is new to us.
We went window shopping today for a pram and cot, just to get an idea of the market and my goodness, what a market!
There is obviously lots of money to be made there! – everything is sooooo expensive
So we’ll get a cot and pram new and buy some of the other bits second hand.
That’s if my brother (Croydon) doesn’t want to make a cot for us….. hint hint

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for the first physical exam of her life.
After checking all her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, “Well, Running Doe, you’re in fine health.
I could find no problems with your health, but did notice one abnormality.”
“Oh, what is that, Doctor?”
“Well, you have no nipples.”
“None of the people in my tribe have nipples,” she replied.
“That’s amazing!” said the doctor.
“I’d like to write this up for The American Journal of Medicine, if you don’t mind”
She said, “I guess, if you’d like to do that, it’s fine with me.”
“First of all” asked the doctor, “how many people are in your tribe?”
She answered, “Approximately 500.”
“And what is the name of your tribe?” asked the doctor.
Running Doe smiled and replied, “We’re called…The Indiannippleless Five Hundred.”

Little johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, “39 and holding.”
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, “and how old would you be if you let go?”

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “don’t pay for me daddy. I’m under five”

“Oh, I sure am happy to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother’s side.
“Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked.
“I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit” the little boy answered.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.. he squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”
Mom smiled and then replied….. “I remember.”

“My parents told me,
‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’
I tell my daughters,
‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'” –Thomas Friedman

Think about this one…

Next month on the 4th at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
That won’t ever happen again in our life time.

Things that only woman understand:

  • Cats/dogs facial expressions
  • The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
  • Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
  • Fat clothes
  • Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
  • The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
  • Cutting your curls to make them grow
  • Eyelash curlers
  • The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her
husband, “You need a piece of tail.”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite”

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”
They were seated immediately.

How to treat a Woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Pray for her.
Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her
flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to
the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked. Bring beer.

A real life story This is a really funny story that is actually a true one courtesy of one dear friend (not blonde either)……..

A couple who are friends of mine had a little kitten that they were just doting over & wanted to give it nothing but the best, so off they went to the butchers to get some meat for it.

The male partner of the two was asking the butcher what would be the best meat to buy for it. The butcher enquired as to how old the kitten was, to which he replied 2 months old, his female partner looked at him in horror & said very seriously ‘don’t be so stupid Dwayne he’s only eight weeks old’, male partner said the look on his & the butchers face was priceless & they both couldn’t speak for a while.

She was later told that there is no difference between 8 wks & two months, she did see the funny side of it eventually but never did return to that butchers shop!

Apparently, this is the most popular screensaver in the US.
Hope you get a laugh from it. If he gets stuck, just move him with your cursor.

Words that really should exist:

  • Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
  • Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer
  • Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
  • Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
  • Mandals: sandals for men.
  • Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving
    directions in an overly-critical manner.
  • Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
  • Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty
  • Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.

An investor received a notice from the ATO (Australian Tax Office) that he was to be audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours waiting for any questions while the ATO auditor pored over them.

Finally the auditor looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.” “Why would you say that?” replied the investor.

“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

Deep Sea Fishing Trip Photos

So here we were, ready to brave the elements off the coast of Whakatane, New Zealand.
The date was 1st of April 2006, the time was 5:20am, time to get up and wake the troops. After a quick breakfast and coffee it was off in the cars to the port, an hours drive away.

Once there we chucked all our stuff onto the boat and headed off into the wild blue yonder.
Another hour was spent battling the swells whipped up by the storm passing over New Zealand to the north.
There was an airy smell of fish in the air, we knew we were close to the action.
Once at White Island, we set up the lines and dropped them down 300 metres to the ocean floor below.

After a half hour of inactivity, well I don’t think a couple of small Terekihi class as activity, 🙂
It was time for me to take over a line and jig to my hearts content, and it wasn’t long until I struck a winner.
Cue ‘We are the Champions by Queen’

I fought the beast and I won!, I’m telling you this thing was huge, it was a monster!
It was a 14kg Kingfish, or kingy as it’s commonly called.
I battled with the mighty fish for around 10mins, dragging it from 300 metres below sea level.
He fought hard at every chance, which made for some great entertainment for the fellow crew.

Then a few of the other guys caught some fish and we went home….

Only joking, nah, it was an awesome day as you can see in the photos,
Everybody had a great time and bacon & egg pie was flowing freely all day.
It was great to spend the day with my mum and dad, father in law and brother.

We are thoroughly looking forward to the next trip

Check out photos from the trip in the Photo Gallery

Welcome to Adrian

Wellity Wellity Wellity

Welcome to my new website designed to keep everyone informed with what me and the family are up to.
I hope to write in this online blog at least weekly, similar to my update with the friday funnies each Friday.

Please enjoy your visit and if theres anything you want to hear about, watch, or listen to, don’t hesitate to ask.