“Woohoo…Now I can wear heels!” —Nicole Kidman on divorcing Tom Cruise
We were trying to save money as the mortgage payments were pretty tough to work with. As you know I don’t drink that much – maybe a slab or two on the weekends with the boys. As a cost saving she told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.
It was tough, but I agreed. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up and I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don’t think she’s coming back.
A lady on the light rail was reading a magazine article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to a stranger next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Geez,” he said sympathetically. “Have you tried mouthwash?”
A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says “sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There’s nothing I can do for you – just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”
So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he’s never been there before.
He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners – prize £350, and then gets any line and wins £3200. He also calls for a full house – and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000.
The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says “son – I’ve never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4 corners, any line, full house and the national grid – I’ve never met anyone so lucky.”
“Lucky??” he screamed, “lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got yellow 24.”
“Blow me down,” says the bingo caller, “You’ve won the raffle as well”!
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing,” the woman answered.”I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” “Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
An old man was a witness in a burglary case in Miami. The defense lawyer asks Sam,
“Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again,
“Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam,
“Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight might be failing. Just how far can you see at night?”
He quickly replied, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, “Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?”
“Why do you ask?” the man replied.
The tourist shrugged. “Just idol curiosity, I guess.”
A Catholic Priest was about to leave his Mission in the jungles, where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little
farther and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,”Riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes
ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other.
“How could you kill these people in cold blood that way”?
The chief replied, “My bike.”
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
“Don’t blow our cover. You’re in America now. Speak Spanish.”
25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these, 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: “What sort of people were punished in the stocks?”
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: “The small investor.”
Words that really should exist
Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who’s not too bright.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.
Wackajacky: very messed up.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.
Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Zit Code: knowing where your next pimple will appear.
A bar in town is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.