The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.


I always find that the first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest


So good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, sure dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub in Westport in the County Mayo, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

During one ‘generation gap’ quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find them here at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try and stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn’t you hear what I said? I’ve made up my mind. Don’t try and stop me!"

"Who’s trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I’ll go with you."


"The reason most girls would rather have beauty than brains is that most men can see better than they can think."


Bill and Fred met in the bar, Bill sporting a new outfit.
"Nice threads," said Fred. "Where did you get them?" "My wife gave them to me as a surprise," responded Bill. "I came home from work early yesterday, and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."


Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps.

The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.

The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.

"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!’ Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’ She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken’


A man went into a pub.

“Good evening, sir”, said the landlord, what would you like to drink?

“A large whiskey thank you”, said the man.

“That will £3.50" said the landlord.

“No”, said the man, “I distinctly remember you invited me to have a drink. I thought it was very kind of you”.

The landlord turned to another customer, who was a solicitor, and ask for his support. The solicitor said that he was very sorry, but the landlord had definitely made an offer and the man had accepted it, so he did not have to pay. The landlord was furious and turned the man out, telling him never to come back again. But about 10 minutes later the man reappeared.

“I thought I told you never to come back”, the landlord said.

“I’ve never been here before my life”, said the man.

“Then you must have a double”, said landlord.

“Thank you very much, I will and I’m sure my solicitor friend would like one too.”


"Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time." –Dennis Miller


"People in L.A. don’t eat cereal, because they don’t like sugar because it’s bad for you. It’s OK to inject botulism into your face, but not to eat sugar!" -Craig Ferguson


Three North Queenslanders, Stretch, Bluey & Bazza, were working on a Telstra comunication tower: As they start their descent, Bazza slips and falls to his death.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, ‘Damn, someone should go and tell his wife.’ Stretch says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of XXXX.
Bluey says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Stretch?’
‘Bazza’s wife gave it to me,’ Stretch replies. ‘That’s unbelievable, you told a woman her husband was dead and she gave you beer?’

Well, not exactly’, Stretch says, ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Bazza’s widow".’

She said, ‘You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.’ Then I said ‘I’ll bet you a case of XXXX you are.


A man was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s’ voice in the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, sweetie? Do you want chicken, beef or lamb?"

Surprised, he answered, "Thanks! I’d like chicken."

"You’re having soup, drongo. I was talking to the cat."


Two guys are being chased by a bear, when one stops to put on his sneakers.

The other guy yells, "You idiot, you can’t outrun a bear."

The first guy gasps, "I don’t have to outrun a bear – I just have to outrun you."


A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid’s chain. "You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I’m fat."

"No, you’re not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I’ve never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied.


3 on Grandparents

My grandson was visiting one day when he said "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old," he replied.

 

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize. "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."


Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that ?’ ‘Don’t you start.’*


What’s the difference a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes "Thwack! …Darn" ……………..

while the other goes "Darn! …Thwack."


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Some true ‘nurse’ events

Nurse Meg, noticed in friend’s property a man working in a large digger doing a very spectacular excavation job, while smoking a cigarette. So asked the digger "are you digging your own grave?" … with a few choice comments on smoking cessation!

The staff at the local After Hours Medical Centre were wearing dancing piggy stickers attached to their name
badges- great for camaraderie during the Swine Flu epidemic, and put a few smiles on the patients faces.


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde.." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, ‘What’s your name?’ asked the chicken.

‘Bond, James Bond. What’s yours?’

‘Ken, Chick Ken.’


We have a teacher at our school who is a genius at fixing computers. When a student complains that their computer isn’t working, he just says "That’s okay, you can use the encyclopedias instead". Instantly the kid has no problems.


A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 2 years with 500 men." Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What’s that" said the Texan. "That’s the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan’s attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What’s that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning Sickness."


Paddy asks Murphy "Murphy, why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"

Says Murphy " You bloody pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the damn boat"!!!


Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’

Ian says to his pal, ‘ Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’

‘No worries, smiled Craig, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’

The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand , aren’t you?’

‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’

The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.


Don’t know if this is just a coincidence but….

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse……..

next year……

2010 – Chinese year of the Co*k – what could possibly go wrong?


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

She says, ‘I was in bed.’

‘In bed this early, doing what?’

‘Getting a second opinion!’


If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Why is it that a girl with the least principle gets the most interest?


As a staff nurse doing a shift on an orthopedic ward I was looking over the student nurses documentation to counter sign. She has been looking after a man who had knee replacement surgery and an operation on both wrists for carpel tunnel syndrome. Prior to his op the man had difficulty in eating his dinner and cutting up his food.
His mobility was greatly affected and he have severe difficulty in bending his knees.

Students are encouraged to write concise reports rather than big long stories. Her report read as follows.

Mr Brown 6th post op day was able to mobilize to the toilet independently, bend at the knees and eat himself!!!

She did explain later he had managed his lunch without assistance.


The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit in a forest and each organisation has a go at catching it.

The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations, the FBI concludes that the rabbit does not exist.

The CIA goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies, stating the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit ! I ‘m a rabbit !"


Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.


An actuary is like an accountant but without the personality.


A little known fact…

The first t**cular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important !


A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "There’s no charge."


We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and he was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

“Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee please back up to the men’s tee!!”

Our man was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement:

“Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”

Our golfer simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled:

“Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, PLEASE!”

Finally our focused golfer stopped. He turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, “Would the person in the club- house kindly shut up and let me play my second stroke?”


“I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My husband says, ‘Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?’ ‘Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.'” –Rita Rudner


It must be difficult to keep coming up with jokes that nobody has heard before. I have an original quip. My fourteen year daughter asked me 34 years ago, if I had heard about the Irish dictionary…..”It has an index.” Maybe not hilarious, but, at the time, original.


I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”

“Oh, no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of Sex?”

“No,” I said.

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you even care?”


The Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into town one hot dusty day. After tying up the horses the Lone Ranger told Tonto to run around Silver, flapping his poncho to keep Silver cool while he went into the saloon for a drink.

A little while later a cowboy came in to the bar. “That your horse out there?” he enquired of the Lone Ranger. On being told it was, he continued, “Thought I’d better tell you – you left your injun runnin’ “.


A Texas farmer went to Australia for a vacation. There he met an Aussie farmer and they started talking. The Aussie showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

They walked around the ranch a little and the Aussie showed off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately said, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation had almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, “And what are those?”

The Aussie asked with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

love it…love it…


A new supermarket opened in Tampa, Florida. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying…. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.


A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”

“That’s your father.”

“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”


When I was a kid I said I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. Everyone just laughed at me!


After a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had had it. “Why,” she cried out in exasperation, “do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!”


It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!”


How to Turn Down Unwanted Men

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I’d rather have the money.

HE: Hi. Didn’t we go out once or twice?
SHE: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
HE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I’m a female impersonator.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father found his small son looking very unhappy.

"What’s wrong?" he asked.

The boy said, "I can’t get along with your wife."


One day, a New Zealander on holiday in London walked into a curio shop. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.

"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and £100 for the story that goes with it."

"I’ll take the cat," says the tourist, "but you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.

By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of cats several blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the Thames River.

Clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the curio shop.

"Ah, so you’ve come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Australian."


You are suffering from what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."

The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It’s not all that bad."

"Yes..(snif)…yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all…he’s a married man!"


After a torrential rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his brother by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

‘Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!’ she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

‘We were just playing ‘church’ mummy,’ he said. ‘And I was just baptizing him … … in the name of the Father, the Son and in … the hole-he-goes.’


An Israeli doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

An Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra , and soon about half the country will be looking for work.’


I reckon airports should have a room allocated to atheists so they can go there and not pray.


No One Could Ever Dream Up A Story Like This One.. As a young piper in Newfoundland, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch,but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I’d never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.I closed the lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, ‘Lard Jeezuz b’y, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.’


A lady went to the doctor and said ‘my husband thinks he’s a refrigerator’.

The doctor said "don’t worry he’ll get over it".

She said, " It’s not that", she said, "when he’s asleep with his mouth open, the little light in there keeps me awake!"


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked Up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I Would like to buy some cyanide.’

The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things Will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’


As a special treat, my partner took our 2 kids to see the stage show of Wicked. It was a late night for our 6 & 10 year old girls… I collected them in the car and on the way home, our very tired 6 year old was trying to remember which day she had to do "Show & Tell" so that she could report on Wicked….. "I cannot remember which day it is but it has ‘Day’ in it’s name….."

What followed was an annoyed 10 year old trying to explain that all days have days in their names…


She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, "Grow your own dope."

How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient.

Then I noticed the rest of her message… "Plant a man."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

This was so cute I had to share it…. I was explaining to my class of Australian six-year-olds that we wouldn’t be returning to school until Tuesday because of the Queen’s Birthday long weekend. They looked blank. I told them I meant the queen of England. Still blank. She is Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles’s mother and we are having a day off to remember her birthday, I added hopefully.

At last one little girl put up her hand with a smile. “So are you going to her party?” she asked.


These were results for an Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition. You’ll need to be an Aussie to understand.

  • billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
  • bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work but is kept as a pet. (this one’s gotta be the winner!)
  • dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.
  • fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.
  • flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.
  • yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.
  • bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
  • shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep
  • technicolour lawn: the front yard after a rave party

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. “I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”


Some years ago our family was showing our new puppy to the grandparents. Grandad (whose nickname was Gaa-Gaa) remarked that the puppy looked like she had a bit of whippet in her. He also said he used to race greyhounds. My four year old who was running around the car at great speed then asked “Did you beat them, Gaa-gaa?


I’ve noticed a number of real-life experiences in the Friday funnies lately, so here’s one you may consider. Early in the year, a new Year One student who was immaculately dressed, with flowing blonde curls and the biggest blue eyes, was sent to me with a note stating that she had spoken ‘inappropriately’. Often when notes are couched in this way, I am reticent to ask the student what they actually said, however on this occasion her look of demure innocence led me to take the risk.

Eye’s lowered, she replied, ‘I said ‘Shut-up’. With some relief I gave a sad though severe look, stating, ‘Oh dear, that’s not very nice is it?’

With some affront, she looked me straight in the eye and replied, ‘But I didn’t say s h i t’.

Guess I’d better go back to not asking.


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise.’ The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. ‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. ‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you did you order?’ The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’ You’re going to love this………………

‘Ah! So solly,’says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’


A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

“And what will your third wish be?”

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”

“Sheesh! I wish you’d make up your mind,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “That was your first wish, too!”


“I think it’s finally starting to sink in to Hillary that she didn’t get it. Today she went down to Ikea because she realized this was her only chance she was going to have to put together her own cabinet.” -Jay Leno


Invented by a four year old beginning comedian

Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. To get to the bottom


My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he crowed, “I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath.”

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, “When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest.”


“Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had what they called a secret meeting. One of the topics rumored to be discussed is Hillary’s $20 million campaign debt. Obama may help her cover some of that. Today she outlined a plan for recouping that money: She plans on marrying, then divorcing, Paul McCartney.” -Jimmy Kimmel


A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, “Man, what a rip off!. It was all over in four minutes!”

The wife replies, “Now you know how I feel.”


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the Night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not Be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.’ Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Shoite’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘Shoite, Shoite!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No fockin’ way’.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed.’

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says ‘Fock it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?’.

Paddy says, ‘I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?’

‘Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?’

‘What dear?’ She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you’re bad luck, bugger off!’


The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?”

“Oh, yes” the mother answered. “They do wonders for me.”

“And how is your son now?” he asked.

She replied, “Who cares…”


I prefer to describe myself as a “Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer” because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides….”stalker” is such an ugly word.


I recently passed a convoy(of 3) septic tankers. Their personalized number plates read Peepee, Weewee and Poopoo. Someone who owned the business had a sense of humor.


A guy meets a childhood pal. “What are you doing for your- self these days?”

“I’m a fireman,” his old friend replies.

“Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman,” says the guy.

“Well,” says his friend, “if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

“Well, did your son become a fireman?”

“No,” moans the guy, “but my daughter is a stripper.”


"Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.” —Robert Heinlein


-A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, “Excuse me, but if it’s not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?”

Our good samaritan replied, “Just a minute.” He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, “Yes, I can see you fine!”


Random thoughts

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you in a movie, but you’re on TV?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”, calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice boobs,” says the man, “Where do you want the blinds?”


“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” –Aesop


I met an older woman at a club last night.

This isn’t usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear.

She asked me if I’d ever had a sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter 3-some?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: “Mom, you still awake?”


An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.

There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out ‘My God, I know who that man is. It’s Jesus!’

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, ‘Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?’

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

‘Yes, I am Jesus’ he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him ‘I’d like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.’

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, ‘Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?’

Jesus smiles and says, ‘Yes, I am Jesus.’

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus.

This the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, ‘Oi, you! D’ya reckon you’re Jesus, or what?’

Jesus nods and says, ‘Yes, I am Jesus.’

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Schooner of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement

‘Oh God, the arthritis is gone,’ he says. ‘The arthritis I’ve had for years is gone. It’s a miracle!’

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman’s eyes widen in shock.

‘By Jove’, he exclaims, ‘The migraine I’ve had for over 40 years is completely gone. It’s a Miracle!’ Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers. ‘P!ss off mate, I’m on Workers Comp’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Have you heard that a committee in Canberra has suggested naming the surrounds of The Lodge "The Kipling Gardens". Apparently this is because it’s now Rudd’s yard.


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a idiot. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age


Our twenty-two-year-old son, who moved out last year, came to visit his father and I for the evening. He was looking around and smiling, so I asked if he missed living with us at all. "Oh, no," he replied,"I was just going to congratulate you on keeping the place so tidy these days!


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I’ll go right away Father. Do ya ‘think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya Tell me the dog was Catholic?"


Tom and James came into my classroom very annoyed with each other. I asked what the matter was and Tom complained bitterly that James had sworn at him. James, with great indignation, said that he hadn’t. Accusations of, "Did!", "Didn’t!" flew too and fro. Finally I asked what had actually been said. Tom replied that James had used the ‘F’ word. They set too again, "No I didn’t!", "Yes you did!" with increasing animosity, until Tom finally exploded, "Yes you did, you called me ‘Fathead’!"


‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’


Here’s a quickie:

At the recent Irish Sheep Dog Trials, only 6 were found guilty.


"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."

-Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal’s TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"


Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I’m sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul…and all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies’ tees!"


I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.

Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.


While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."


An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money. After the transaction is completed she asks the teller

"Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money; today I only get hunat eighty?" The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly … "fluctuations". The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says …

"fluc you Aussies too"


The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.

The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie — you might at least stop while I’m talking!"


"At the recent big consumer electronics show, in Las Vegas, Apple unveiled their first combination ipod and cell phone. They say their goal is to create the most annoying person ever to sit behind you in a movie theater." –Jay Leno


A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What’s wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it’s a wonderful gesture."

"We hadn’t started eating yet."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”


Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky,a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “if you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!”

It worked.


When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.


“They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, which is a good thing to remember the next time you get lonely.” -Fred Stoller


There is a lovely small historic town Coromandel which is situated half way up the Coromandel Peninsula. Fortunately the developers have not got in there, yet! The local Lions Club has a roadside sign on the left “Welcome to Coromandel, please drive carefully. We have no hospital and two cemeteries.”


Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be, new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.’

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked –

‘What are you selling here?’

One of the men replied sarcastically,

‘We’re selling arse-holes.’

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

‘You are doing well … Only two left!’


I was at a meeting the other day when a woman jumped up saying I have just had an idea. It was like a little fart going off in my head.


Q. What goes cloak, cloak?
A. A Chinese toad.


No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. –Fran Lebowitz


“A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over $5 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to two doors down.” –Jay Leno


YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN AUSTRALIAN IF:- (Part 2)

  1. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
  2. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
  3. You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
  4. You understand that “you” has a plural and that it’s “youse”.
  5. You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
  6. Hamburger. With Beetroot. Of course.
  7. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
  8. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
  9. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
  10. You believe the phrase “smart casual” refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

With even greater emphasis he said,

‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

‘For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’


“My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it’s time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature.” –Kevin Hench


Sign on condom machine in Men’s Room: “Don’t buy this gum, it tastes like rubber.”


Left over jokes from Christmas crackers.

Q. Why do cows have bells?
A. Because their horns don’t work.

Q. What do you get if you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A. A bird that plucks itself.

Q. Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A. They have two left feet.

Q. What type of shoes do frogs wear?
A. Open toad.

Q. Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
A. Because it was in a pickle.

Q. How can you tell which spiders are the trendiest?
A. They have their own websites.

Q. What’s a polygon?
A. A dead parrot.