I was reading one morning when my husband came in very upset and asked me if I thought he had put on a lot of weight since last winter. I asked him why he wanted to know. He groaned that he couldn’t get anywhere near fitting his jeans over his hips, much less getting them zipped up.
When I looked up from my book I exploded with laughter. He was trying to put on my jeans!
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’. Customer: ‘OK’. Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’. Customer: ‘No’. Tech Support: ‘OK.
Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’ Customer:
‘No’. Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’. Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’ Caller: ‘Yes.
That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ‘.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
What do you call a Woolworths that has burnt down?
Coals.
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu, ignore it …………it’s just spam
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower – Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve’s wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Steve’s widow’."
She said, "No, I’m not a widow!"
And I said, "I bet you a case of beer you are."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,’ he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.’
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.
‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage
One morning a crippled man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
"Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his back over by the holy water," the boy informed him.
"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, ‘Now, that’s torture.’" –Jay Leno
Although desperate to find work, I passed up a job I found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: "Must be able to swim."
A child’s prayer
Dear God, Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer…… Amen
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life–so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." –Matt Cartmill
An echidna trained to scuttle from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese, kabana and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime.
Crime doesn’t pay. So if you keep studying you’ll go broke!
A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’ ‘Really,’ answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’ ‘Twelve thirty.’
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him. ‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!
"Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner." -David Letterman
Tony was attending his 4wd club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the upcoming Innamincka little place way outback (a) trip because his missus wouldn’t let him go.
After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Tony left to go back home to the missus.
When Tony’s mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week who should be there but Tony sitting up in front of the Cruiser , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Tony ?"
"I didn’t have to", was Tony’s reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise ".
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ‘ Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .’
SO HERE I AM !
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am.
I married the wrong man."
The visiting Texan farmer, trying to outdo his Australian host made the remark, "you know what? If I get on my tractor at my homestead at 6 o’clock in the morning, drive to the other side of my ranch and back to the homestead, I wouldn’t get back until 10 o’clock that night! What do you think of that?"
To which the Australian replies, "yeah, I had a tractor like that once."
On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me … I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ear off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear…"
Doctor: "Hmm.. that’s normal… So if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to see…" The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop off."
As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.
A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly, the young man pulled back, smiled and said, "Honey, I have your gum."
She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn’t chewing gum."
Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand.. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard"!!
"That must’ve been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss but before she could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate her!!!! The teacher had to leave the room….
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre’d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you rike dlink?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were FOUR rittle pigs…"
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change. — Arthur Carlson
A Friday Funnies exclusive… President Obama’s first email to the American people: “All whites please report to the cotton fields for orientation.”
It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”
“If it was put there without my knowledge,” I asked, “how would I know?”
The agent behind the counter smiled smugly. “That’s why we ask.” — Kate Vetter
You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you do it, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize . . .
You’re listening to your iPod
A man once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments.
He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
“Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”
The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?”
The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat!”
“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” –Milton Berle
Reading the joke from the 4 year old in these funnies reminded me of something my 4 year old said when he was 2
He was in the bath and going through the stage of being fascinated with his male appendage (I think they grow out off that stage don’t they) he grabbed hold of his doodle and said
“look mummy, I have a tail”
A couple just got married and on the night of their honey- moon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.”
The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s that possible? You’ve been married three times before.”
The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
“Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”
Jill: What happened to you and that last boyfriend?
Mary: Well, you know how men are supposed to be hunters, and women are supposed to be gatherers?
Jill: Yeah, I know about that.
Mary: Well, he couldn’t hunt enough money to keep up with my gathering.
Husband says: When I get mad at you, You Never fight back.
How do you control your anger? Wife says: I clean the toilet… Husband says: How does that help? Wife says: I use your Toothbrush…..
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 2)… from Anthony
Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back."
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’
Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’
Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT’S A SCARF!"
"Obama held his first news conference today, as president- elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense." -Jimmy Kimmel
A definition of golf
An ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.
A nice story – will make you appreciate family . . …
however for most of us, it’s too late!
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. ‘And always remember this thing,’
she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’
‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.
She answered in her soft Scottish voice. ‘Makes your d i c k look bigger.’
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside For a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled.
There was no arriving general — we had almost played for the weather forecast. — David Yost
Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Student: "A teacher."
There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn’t happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.
About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."
"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I’m getting to where I only have to work half a day."
"Wow, that’s pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."
"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn’t matter which twelve hours you work."
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
Quote of the Week ‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.’ Thomas Jefferson 1802
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
