The Fabulous Friday Funnies

One day a truckload of fertilizer went by this farm where a young boy lived.

The boy stopped the truck and asked the driver, "What are you going to use this fertilizer for?"

The man said, "For my strawberries."

The boy replied, "Well at my place we put sugar and cream on our strawberries."

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous jet to Iowa to visit a wind-power plant." -Jimmy Kimmel


An "older" gentleman works for a Bunnings store, helping direct customers at the entrance. He’s a great success with customers and staff and everyone loves him. He has an easy way with people, but has Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They stop in front of Flaherty’s house still singing.

After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, "Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else!"

"Are you Mrs. Flaherty?" asks one of the drunks.

"You know dam well I am," she says.

"Well, can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"


Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!!


"A new study from the Centers for Disease Control says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse — only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube." -Jimmy Fallon


"It was on this day that Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by members of the senate, ironically, while pleading for healthcare." -Jay Leno


Recently a young woman came into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven’t had any problem.
This is Benjamin and this is Elizabeth."


A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’


Ron’s Arab sheik story reminded me of an incident during my 1988-90 stint in the Infant Department of an English-medium school in Kuwait just prior to the Iraqi invasion. One of my far-too-young pupils was rebelling vociferously at having to come to prep grade. His father, at parent/teacher interview, confided to me that he had offered to take the child to Paris for a holiday if he would just agree to come to school without fuss!

By the end of the interview I had persuaded the parents to take the child out of school for the rest of the year and try again when he was old enough to cope with the reality of school. Phew!


Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days! 61 days!"

The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-to-6 years!"


A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.’ Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’


Q: What has eight legs and goes up and down?
A: A spider in an elevator!

Q: Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness?
A: He wanted to get the story straight.

Q: What do you call six stones with electric guitars?
A: A rock group.

Q: Why did the polar bears go to the South Pole?
A: To visit their Aunt Arctica!


A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?"
the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone…….."

"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"


A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you."


A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home, and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

During one ‘generation gap’ quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find them here at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try and stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn’t you hear what I said? I’ve made up my mind. Don’t try and stop me!"

"Who’s trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I’ll go with you."


"The reason most girls would rather have beauty than brains is that most men can see better than they can think."


Bill and Fred met in the bar, Bill sporting a new outfit.
"Nice threads," said Fred. "Where did you get them?" "My wife gave them to me as a surprise," responded Bill. "I came home from work early yesterday, and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."


Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps.

The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.

The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.

"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!’ Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’ She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken’


A man went into a pub.

“Good evening, sir”, said the landlord, what would you like to drink?

“A large whiskey thank you”, said the man.

“That will £3.50" said the landlord.

“No”, said the man, “I distinctly remember you invited me to have a drink. I thought it was very kind of you”.

The landlord turned to another customer, who was a solicitor, and ask for his support. The solicitor said that he was very sorry, but the landlord had definitely made an offer and the man had accepted it, so he did not have to pay. The landlord was furious and turned the man out, telling him never to come back again. But about 10 minutes later the man reappeared.

“I thought I told you never to come back”, the landlord said.

“I’ve never been here before my life”, said the man.

“Then you must have a double”, said landlord.

“Thank you very much, I will and I’m sure my solicitor friend would like one too.”


"Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time." –Dennis Miller


"People in L.A. don’t eat cereal, because they don’t like sugar because it’s bad for you. It’s OK to inject botulism into your face, but not to eat sugar!" -Craig Ferguson


Three North Queenslanders, Stretch, Bluey & Bazza, were working on a Telstra comunication tower: As they start their descent, Bazza slips and falls to his death.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, ‘Damn, someone should go and tell his wife.’ Stretch says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of XXXX.
Bluey says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Stretch?’
‘Bazza’s wife gave it to me,’ Stretch replies. ‘That’s unbelievable, you told a woman her husband was dead and she gave you beer?’

Well, not exactly’, Stretch says, ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Bazza’s widow".’

She said, ‘You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.’ Then I said ‘I’ll bet you a case of XXXX you are.


A man was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s’ voice in the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, sweetie? Do you want chicken, beef or lamb?"

Surprised, he answered, "Thanks! I’d like chicken."

"You’re having soup, drongo. I was talking to the cat."


Two guys are being chased by a bear, when one stops to put on his sneakers.

The other guy yells, "You idiot, you can’t outrun a bear."

The first guy gasps, "I don’t have to outrun a bear – I just have to outrun you."


A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid’s chain. "You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password……. she said that it had to be at least eight characters long.


One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.


A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24."

"Stuff me," says the bingo caller. "You’ve won the raffle as well!!"


"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." –Elayne Boosler


98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don’t sell that cow."


Three religious leaders were discussing how they divided up the offering with regard what was spent doing God’s work and what was used for their "expenses"

…the first guy said " I take the money into the vestry where I have a line drawn…

I throw the money in the air and what lands on the right I use for God’s work and what lands on the left I use"

…the second guy says "I have a similar system but I stand in a circle what lands inside the circle I use for God’s work and outside I use"

…the third leader admits to a similar system but says he simply throws the money into the air and "what stays up I use for God’s work….."


Q. how does the blind parachutist know when he is getting close to the ground.?

A. the lead on the guide dog goes slack.


"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month’s Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month." –Dennis Miller


"I was walking through the park last night and had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know…I should have heard them hiding." –Emo Philips


A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn’t have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please!"


"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where’d you pick ’em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I’ll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."


‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.

"They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.

"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: ‘Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning Sickness."


Paddy asks Murphy "Murphy, why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"

Says Murphy " You bloody pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the damn boat"!!!


Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’

Ian says to his pal, ‘ Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’

‘No worries, smiled Craig, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’

The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand , aren’t you?’

‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’

The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.


Don’t know if this is just a coincidence but….

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse……..

next year……

2010 – Chinese year of the Co*k – what could possibly go wrong?


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

She says, ‘I was in bed.’

‘In bed this early, doing what?’

‘Getting a second opinion!’


If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Why is it that a girl with the least principle gets the most interest?


As a staff nurse doing a shift on an orthopedic ward I was looking over the student nurses documentation to counter sign. She has been looking after a man who had knee replacement surgery and an operation on both wrists for carpel tunnel syndrome. Prior to his op the man had difficulty in eating his dinner and cutting up his food.
His mobility was greatly affected and he have severe difficulty in bending his knees.

Students are encouraged to write concise reports rather than big long stories. Her report read as follows.

Mr Brown 6th post op day was able to mobilize to the toilet independently, bend at the knees and eat himself!!!

She did explain later he had managed his lunch without assistance.


The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit in a forest and each organisation has a go at catching it.

The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations, the FBI concludes that the rabbit does not exist.

The CIA goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies, stating the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit ! I ‘m a rabbit !"


Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.


An actuary is like an accountant but without the personality.


A little known fact…

The first t**cular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important !


A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "There’s no charge."


We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, ‘You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.’ The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’ The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, ‘When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, ‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’


"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." – George Clemenceau, 1841-1921


After a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had had it. "Why," she cried out in exasperation, "do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!"


An elderly gentleman…

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’


‘If at first you don’t succeed, do it the way your wife told you!’


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

" The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning." "Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought she was having her picture taken."


Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends’ and relatives’ birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.
I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye’ll no bring it back!"


A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but….. something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did…better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.’

The man perks up at this. ‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’ The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. ‘So,’ says the doctor, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’ ‘I have,’ says the man.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘Yes, she has,’ says the man. ‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. ‘We’re getting a new kitchen.’


It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the Children’s’ sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat Down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’

The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on Microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’


My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway.
Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener."

"I love mine too," my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage. — Gene Ward


A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I’m afraid I can’t", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message"

she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."


The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can’t stand to cook."


I read this statement….

"How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you can afford."

Having been through a divorce settlement, I believe it should read…..

"How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twice as many as you can afford." !!!!!

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O’Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn’t you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ he’s only speaking to the groom." -David Gunter


Right before Christmas our 4 year old son, Nathan – ok, he’ll be 5 on March 3rd 09, surprised us at the dinner table with this one:

"How did the crocodile eat the brick?"

… pause and use a slow, growling voice (as he did),

"With very sharp teeth and plenty of time!"


"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.

“But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I’ve tried that – it’s never worked."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’


Q: What goes cloak, cloak?

A: A Chinese toad.


I’ve just signed for parachute school. I asked the instructor, "How many jumps do I have to make successfully before I graduate?" He said: "All of them."


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"


"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin


My daughter has had a terrible time. First off she got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that she got rheumatism, and to top it off they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. Those primary school spelling tests are really hard these days.


I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.

The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes."


Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency."


25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 1)… from Anthony

  1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . ‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
  2. My mother taught me RELIGION. ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
  3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
  4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’
  5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’
  6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
  7. My mother taught me IRONY ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
  8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. ‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
  9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. ‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
  10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
  11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. ‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
  12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. ‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don’t they?