A speaker was about to address a public meeting when he realised he’d lost his false teeth.
He told the chairman he wouldn’t be able to deliver his speech.
But a man in the front row produced a pair from his pocket and said "Why don’t you try these?".
"President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous jet to Iowa to visit a wind-power plant." -Jimmy Kimmel
An "older" gentleman works for a Bunnings store, helping direct customers at the entrance. He’s a great success with customers and staff and everyone loves him. He has an easy way with people, but has
Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They stop in front of Flaherty’s house still singing.
After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, "Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else!"
"Are you Mrs. Flaherty?" asks one of the drunks.
"You know dam well I am," she says.
"Well, can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"
Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!!
"A new study from the Centers for Disease Control says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse — only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube." -Jimmy Fallon
"It was on this day that Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by members of the senate, ironically, while pleading for healthcare." -Jay Leno
Recently a young woman came into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven’t had any problem.
This is Benjamin and this is Elizabeth."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
Ron’s Arab sheik story reminded me of an incident during my 1988-90 stint in the Infant Department of an English-medium school in Kuwait just prior to the Iraqi invasion. One of my far-too-young pupils was rebelling vociferously at having to come to prep grade. His father, at parent/teacher interview, confided to me that he had offered to take the child to Paris for a holiday if he would just agree to come to school without fuss!
By the end of the interview I had persuaded the parents to take the child out of school for the rest of the year and try again when he was old enough to cope with the reality of school. Phew!
Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days! 61 days!"
The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"
One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-to-6 years!"
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.’ Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’
Q: What has eight legs and goes up and down?
A: A spider in an elevator!
Q: Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness?
A: He wanted to get the story straight.
Q: What do you call six stones with electric guitars?
A: A rock group.
Q: Why did the polar bears go to the South Pole?
A: To visit their Aunt Arctica!
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?"
the man asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone…….."
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you."
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home, and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!"
During one ‘generation gap’ quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find them here at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn’t you hear what I said? I’ve made up my mind. Don’t try and stop me!"
"Who’s trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I’ll go with you."
"The reason most girls would rather have beauty than brains is that most men can see better than they can think."
Bill and Fred met in the bar, Bill sporting a new outfit.
"Nice threads," said Fred. "Where did you get them?" "My wife gave them to me as a surprise," responded Bill. "I came home from work early yesterday, and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps.
The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!’
My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!’ Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’ She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken’
A man went into a pub.
“Good evening, sir”, said the landlord, what would you like to drink?
“A large whiskey thank you”, said the man.
“That will £3.50" said the landlord.
“No”, said the man, “I distinctly remember you invited me to have a drink. I thought it was very kind of you”.
The landlord turned to another customer, who was a solicitor, and ask for his support. The solicitor said that he was very sorry, but the landlord had definitely made an offer and the man had accepted it, so he did not have to pay. The landlord was furious and turned the man out, telling him never to come back again. But about 10 minutes later the man reappeared.
“I thought I told you never to come back”, the landlord said.
“I’ve never been here before my life”, said the man.
“Then you must have a double”, said landlord.
“Thank you very much, I will and I’m sure my solicitor friend would like one too.”
"Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time." –Dennis Miller
"People in L.A. don’t eat cereal, because they don’t like sugar because it’s bad for you. It’s OK to inject botulism into your face, but not to eat sugar!" -Craig Ferguson
Three North Queenslanders, Stretch, Bluey & Bazza, were working on a Telstra comunication tower: As they start their descent, Bazza slips and falls to his death.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, ‘Damn, someone should go and tell his wife.’ Stretch says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of XXXX.
Bluey says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Stretch?’
‘Bazza’s wife gave it to me,’ Stretch replies. ‘That’s unbelievable, you told a woman her husband was dead and she gave you beer?’
Well, not exactly’, Stretch says, ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Bazza’s widow".’
She said, ‘You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.’ Then I said ‘I’ll bet you a case of XXXX you are.
A man was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s’ voice in the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, sweetie? Do you want chicken, beef or lamb?"
Surprised, he answered, "Thanks! I’d like chicken."
"You’re having soup, drongo. I was talking to the cat."
Two guys are being chased by a bear, when one stops to put on his sneakers.
The other guy yells, "You idiot, you can’t outrun a bear."
The first guy gasps, "I don’t have to outrun a bear – I just have to outrun you."
A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"
Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"
"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid’s chain. "You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password……. she said that it had to be at least eight characters long.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24."
"Stuff me," says the bingo caller. "You’ve won the raffle as well!!"
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." –Elayne Boosler
98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don’t sell that cow."
Three religious leaders were discussing how they divided up the offering with regard what was spent doing God’s work and what was used for their "expenses"
…the first guy said " I take the money into the vestry where I have a line drawn…
I throw the money in the air and what lands on the right I use for God’s work and what lands on the left I use"
…the second guy says "I have a similar system but I stand in a circle what lands inside the circle I use for God’s work and outside I use"
…the third leader admits to a similar system but says he simply throws the money into the air and "what stays up I use for God’s work….."
Q. how does the blind parachutist know when he is getting close to the ground.?
A. the lead on the guide dog goes slack.
"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month’s Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month." –Dennis Miller
"I was walking through the park last night and had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know…I should have heard them hiding." –Emo Philips
A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn’t have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.
With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please!"
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where’d you pick ‘em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I’ll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.
"They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.
"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.
"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."
"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: ‘Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
