A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder."
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Maggie – put your hat and coat on, lassie.’
She replied, ‘Awe Jock that’s nice – are you takin’ me tae da pub with you?’
‘Nay, Jock replied, I’m switchin’ da heat off while I’m oot.’
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password……. she said that it had to be at least eight characters long.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24."
"Stuff me," says the bingo caller. "You’ve won the raffle as well!!"
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." –Elayne Boosler
98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don’t sell that cow."
Three religious leaders were discussing how they divided up the offering with regard what was spent doing God’s work and what was used for their "expenses"
…the first guy said " I take the money into the vestry where I have a line drawn…
I throw the money in the air and what lands on the right I use for God’s work and what lands on the left I use"
…the second guy says "I have a similar system but I stand in a circle what lands inside the circle I use for God’s work and outside I use"
…the third leader admits to a similar system but says he simply throws the money into the air and "what stays up I use for God’s work….."
Q. how does the blind parachutist know when he is getting close to the ground.?
A. the lead on the guide dog goes slack.
"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month’s Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month." –Dennis Miller
"I was walking through the park last night and had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know…I should have heard them hiding." –Emo Philips
A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn’t have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.
With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please!"
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where’d you pick ‘em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I’ll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.
"They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.
"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.
"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."
"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: ‘Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?”
“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asks feebly?
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. “It’s a boy,”
she announced, “six feet tall, 178 pounds!”
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
My mother had us in stitches on Mother’s Day. She told us the tale of a 96 year-old gentleman who goes to her oil painting classes . Recently, he was finally talked into moving into a retirement unit by his son. A couple of weeks later he returned to his son’s home in a taxi. When asked why he had left he admitted that the food was good but the place was full of boring, old people!
Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, “Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn’t he?”
The other replied, “He ought to; he hasn’t had a drink in three days.”
“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” –Ira Gassen
A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.
Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”
“Wow,” said Banker Bill, “what did the vet do to that bull?”
“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.
“What kind of pills?” asked Banker Bill.
“I don’t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint.”
A husband and wife came for counselling after 40 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. “
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “My God; the cook’s working for the Germans!”
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky,a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “if you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!”
It worked.
When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more lightning.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
“They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, which is a good thing to remember the next time you get lonely.” -Fred Stoller
There is a lovely small historic town Coromandel which is situated half way up the Coromandel Peninsula. Fortunately the developers have not got in there, yet! The local Lions Club has a roadside sign on the left “Welcome to Coromandel, please drive carefully. We have no hospital and two cemeteries.”
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be, new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.’
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked –
‘What are you selling here?’
One of the men replied sarcastically,
‘We’re selling arse-holes.’
Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,
‘You are doing well … Only two left!’
I was at a meeting the other day when a woman jumped up saying I have just had an idea. It was like a little fart going off in my head.
Q. What goes cloak, cloak?
A. A Chinese toad.
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. –Fran Lebowitz
“A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over $5 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to two doors down.” –Jay Leno
YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN AUSTRALIAN IF:- (Part 2)
Hymn #365
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
With even greater emphasis he said,
‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
‘For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’
“My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it’s time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature.” –Kevin Hench
Sign on condom machine in Men’s Room: “Don’t buy this gum, it tastes like rubber.”
Left over jokes from Christmas crackers.
Q. Why do cows have bells?
A. Because their horns don’t work.
Q. What do you get if you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A. A bird that plucks itself.
Q. Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A. They have two left feet.
Q. What type of shoes do frogs wear?
A. Open toad.
Q. Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
A. Because it was in a pickle.
Q. How can you tell which spiders are the trendiest?
A. They have their own websites.
Q. What’s a polygon?
A. A dead parrot.
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
