The Fabulous Friday Funnies

True story

A friend’s teenage son sat down at their kitchen table at 10 o’clock at night and poured himself some cereal. His mother asked him if he wanted some more dinner, as there was some left over in the fridge. He told her that he wasn’t really hungry but that he had to leave the house early in the morning and wouldn’t have time to eat breakfast then.

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. Her girlfriend is fond of playing online slots that is why she loved claiming slot deposit bonuses every time she encountered one.

“It’s me or the magazines,” Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.


Barry calls his boss and says, “I’m having trouble with my eyes.”

“What’s wrong with them?” the boss asks.

“I can’t see myself coming into work today,” says Barry.

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Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new survey reported that 40 percent of people think it’s a good idea to get engaged on Valentines Day. The other 60 percent were men." -Conan O’Brien


I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.


An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.

After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We’ll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath.’"


A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."


If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, …Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!


That was a lovely story and I have one of my own that might make you smile too. Our 6year old grandson has just finished prep and although he can spell a lot of words correctly he often gets the right letters but in the wrong order. Consequently his Christmas wish list began, "Dear Satan,…"
One for his 21st don’t you think?


Harry is at his local discussing nicknames with his mates—George has started calling his wife "Harvey Norman" he says..

Why is that??? "No interest for 18 months"

(Harvey Norman is a huge retail store)


There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"

The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?"

The redneck with he sack answered, "I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right."

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"


Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them.."


Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I’m from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug that thing in."


A backwoodsman was making his first visit to a city hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, "What’s that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don’t know nothing now."


There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"


Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A: A pinch hitter.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stray cat with a crocodile?
A: An alley gator.

Q: Where do cows go on their first date?
A: To the moo-vies.

Q: Why did the talking bird join the air force?
A: He wanted to be a parrot-trooper.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’


Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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Fabulous Friday Funnies

A true anecdote

As we hurried out of the airport, I asked my partner to pick up a box of chocolates for Father’s Day while I collected the car. She picked up one already gift-wrapped. My 90-year-old father unwrapped this and opened the box to be greeted by chocolate figurines in all sorts of weird and compromising positions. This was the Kama Sutra chocolate collection. Beware!

Dad was flattered.


"A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is no day at the beach either." -Jay Leno


SOME RESULTS OF THE USA RECESSION

  • C E O’s are now playing mini golf.
  • I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
  • If the Bank returns your cheque ‘insufficient funds’ you call themand ask if it’s you or them.
  • Parents in Beverley Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
  • A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
  • A picture is now worth only 200 words
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

There was a very gracious lady who was posting an old family Bible to her brother in another State.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the officer.
"Only the Ten Commandments" she replied


True story

I was out at the shops with four year old granddaughter when she informed me with astonishment that she had seen a man with one leg. Conversation as follows:

Me: Yes, that happens to some people.

Grandaughter: Why does he only have one leg?

Me: I don’t know – maybe he had an accident or something…

Granddaughter (triumphantly): Yes, and his leg fell off !!


A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can’t! I’ll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can’t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can’t take it off, or I’ll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".


"My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can…she’s always on my back." –Scott Wood


A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn’t know you were into earrings."

"Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


Some short jokes

A friend of mine became that upset with the Australian Taxation Office that he wrote to them to cancel his subscription and have his name removed from their mailing list.

Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

A group of terrorists took a building full of lawyers hostage and threatened to release one every hour if their demands were not met.

A young lad from a prominent private school was caught shop lifting and the police were called. Do you know who my father is yelled the lad? The shop assistant lent over the counter and said, have you tried asking your mother?

George said that he stays away from natural foods because at his age he needs all the preservatives he can get.

Patrick had all his electrical cords shortened to save on electricity.

The clever Scotsman only borrowed money from pessimists as they don’t expect to get it back.


English professors love to catch the errors students make in their term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch mixed metaphors. The "friends and survivors" of Calvin College English department collected this list of mixed metaphors and posted them on their web site:

  • "He swept the rug under the carpet."
  • "She’s burning the midnight oil at both ends."
  • "It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire."
  • "It’s time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard."
  • "She’s robbing Peter to pay the piper."
  • "He’s up a tree without a paddle."
  • "Beware my friend…you are skating on hot water."
  • "Keep your ear to the grindstone."
  • "Sometimes you’ve gotta stick your neck out on a limb."
  • "Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter."

After a long retirement from films and singing Roy Rogers was staging a comeback. The performance had been arranged, the venue ready and the rehearsals were over. Roy was dressed in his performance gear and the audience was streaming in. Roy was dressed and almost ready to go on, but missing one of his boots. Panic Stations ! ! All the stage – hands were pressed into help. Eventually one of them discovered a cat underneath a chair who was chewing into the boot. The helper who discovered the cat burst into song and –

‘Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoe?’


Q: What are dog biscuits made from?
A: Collie flour.

Q: What did the salt say to the pepper?
A: "Hey, what’s shaking?"

Q: What has two horns and goes, "Oom, Oom?"
A: A cow walking backwards.

Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the Eighth.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room …"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland !!!

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’


Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .
3.1415927 dead Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A middle-aged man asked the Trainer in the gym:
"IF I wanted to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use?"
The Trainer smiling replies:
" The ATM machine outside the gym…"


"Give a man a fish and you feed him for the day.
Teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks."

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Fabulous Friday Funnies

Taken from a question and answer style internal news story following the Canterbury earthquake in February.

“Two chaps were walking towards me down Hereford street in the direct aftermath of the earthquake. One of them looked devastated, and his mate was consoling him with the words “You’ll just have to get used to it, she’s just not interested in you”!”

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