The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A frog walks into his local bank branch, asks for the loans officer. He goes in, sits on her desk, and sees shes called Patricia Whack. He asks her for a $50,000 loan to do a world cruise. She asks what security he has and he produces a 4 cm pink porcelain elephant and says his dad is Mick Jagger. She asks the manager for advice – he says
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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?" He replied, "Thank you, I’ll have chicken."

"Don’t be stupid. You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat."

Granddaughter being instructed about drink driving.

Annabel aged 4yrs

You must never drink & drive Annabel.

No Dad because you might spill it.

Fun with words

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  • Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
  • We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man…

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Time’s Up’?"

A young farm boy comes down for breakfast. His mother asks if he has done his chores.

‘Not yet,’ said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig…

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.

‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, ‘You gonna tell him or should I?’

A Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?" A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A lieutenant said it was 50-50%. An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

There were two Irishmen working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig,

The other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are you doing with those?"

He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

A Russian and a Czechoslovakian were out hunting one day and were attacked and eaten by a Ma Ma Bear and a Pa Pa Bear. The two bears were finally found and shot. They took both bears back for an autopsy. They found the Czech was in the male.

A Texan, an Englishman and a Frenchman are having a drink.

The Texan says, "I know this bar in Dallas that if you buy one drink the next one is on the house."

The Englishman says, "That’s great but I know a bar in London where if you buy a drink the next two are on the house."

The Frenchman says, "Big deal, in Paris there is a bar where all the drinks are free and they take you in back to get you laid".

The Texan and the Englishman are intrigued. "Where is this wonderful bar?", asked the Englishman.

"I don’t know", replied the Frenchman, I’ve never been there. But my sister goes all the time".

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q. What do you call two straight days of rain in Auckland?
A. A weekend!

Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once we’re worriers

"To promote the use of clean energy, a Swiss adventurist is going to fly around the world in a solar-powered airplane. He’s just praying that nothing bad will happen…like night." -Jimmy Fallon

In a brave and decisive move, disregarding the counsel of many of his conservative advisors, President Bush asked Congress to increase the penalty for corporate malfeasance from not going to jail for 10 years to not going to jail for 20 years.

Q. What do you get if you cross a doberman with Lassie ?
A. A dog that rips your arm off and goes for help.

Today I attempted to explain to my class what a mobile library is. "If something is mobile, it means that it can move around, and not just be in one place, such as a mobile phone," I hinted, "so, what might a mobile library be?" One little fellow put up his hand with a big grin. "It’s a library full of phones!" he declared.

The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break- fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he’d finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start."

"My mother used to say"….. Actually it was my father in law who used to say when he finished a meal "I’m totally fed up". We knew what he meant!

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it’s superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."

A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Get outta here, man–we don’t serve your kind here." The mushroom responds, "Why not? I’m a fun-guy."

Following on from the euthanased/anaethestised story: I once took my sick 10 year old daughter with me to work, and on the way had to take her tiny chichihua to the vet to have a grass seed removed from its ear. Vet examined the dog, and said "To get that out, we’ll have to put her to sleep." Of course, daughter only hear the last part, and became instantly hysterical, assuming it was the euphemism for euthanasia rather than anaesthesia. So I’m trying to separate hysterical child from grabbing hysterical dog, yelling at both of them, while the poor vet is standing there wondering what he just said.

The saying that I remember from way back was:

Have you the ordassaty to insinuate that I would tolerate such bombastic faciology from a low down no good ninkenpoop like you. and still to this day, I don’t really know what it means, but I’m a mother of 3 teenager daughters and 1 male toddler and I say it to them and it puts them in line, cause they don’t know what I’m saying either, but they sure listen.

Q. What do you find on small beaches?
A. Microwaves.


How would you pronounce this child’s name? "Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Detroit, MI. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It’s pronounced "Ledasha"; When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don’t be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If they axe you why, tell them "the dash don’t be silent."

A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.

The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I’m tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."

"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie…"

"You’re not listening to me," the director protested. "I don’t want to make any more movies."

"But we’ve got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed.

"I don’t want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.

"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!"

"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare…How can I go wrong? I’ll do it!"

"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There’s only one small hitch… I’ve got a girlfriend who sings…" With The Ashes about to start, this is from Dugald.

In order to assist people who not familiar with the game of Cricket, we offer this explanation . . . . . Cricket is a game in which there are 2 sides – one out on the field, and the other in. Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out until he’s out and then he comes in. When the side that is in is all out, the side that has been out goes in, and the side that was in goes out and tries to get out the side that went in. Sometimes there are men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out. When both sides have been in and out, including those not out and no longer in – that is the end of the game . . . .